Throughout our process of trying to conceive, I often watched people around me and wondered when I was next. When was it my turn to be happy? Why couldn’t my life be that easy? Why do I feel so hurt all the time? What is the reason for this hardship in my life? When will I be able to get back up again?
When will it be over? When will a baby be in MY arms?
What I’ve learned most of all about infertility is that even though I’m fighting through the illness and disability of infertility – and yes, infertility is a disability!! – I’m learning how to heal, too.
Those scars that infertility creates do heal and can heal while you’re going through the process. Sometimes I think we become so consumed with the process of getting pregnant that we don’t actually enjoy it. I have learned to make jokes. I’ve taken the time to get to know my nurses – when I see them every two days, how can I not? I’m trying to find ways to truly enjoy my process.
This is my process and how my children came to be. Our process, our journey – it’s not like anyone else’s and perhaps not what many would call “normal.” But it’s our story and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Here’s how our story starts.
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On retrieval day during our first IVF procedure, we had a newer nurse. The nurse couldn’t get an IV in me, which was a lovely start to the day. Now, here’s the thing: I’m pale as a ghost and you can see my veins through my skin, so I was a little shocked that should couldn’t do the IV. The anesthesiologist even ended up with my blood all over him and needed to change scrubs when he finally got my IV in. Fabulous.
Next thing I know, I’m coming out of anesthesia and they’re telling me to get ready to go home… but my husband hadn’t “done his part” as they say. Now my eggs are no good if they aren’t fertilized, right? The nurse begins spazzing out because The Room is busy. My poor husband is given a paper bag and a sample cup – and then he has to do his part right there with me! We’re worried this spaz of a nurse won’t make sure that our specimen isn’t mixed with the other husband’s specimen who was in The Room. (It wasn’t.)
[clickToTweet tweet=”I was a hot fucking mess during the entire IVF process. I’m here to tell you is that it’s all normal.” quote=”I was a hot fucking mess during this entire process. I’m here to tell you is that it’s all normal.”]
Looking back, our story is hilarious and we laugh and joke about it now. In the moment it was anxiety- provoking and stressful. But you know what? It’s our story. For us, it’s the story of how our twins were conceived and it’s pretty exciting. No boring babymaking sex stories for us!
We didn’t get that fun and fancy family pregnancy announcement since everyone knew we were doing IVF (because how else do you explain why you’re going to the doctor so much and you need so much time off from). But you know what? That’s okay. I am happy with my story and because of that I have healed myself through this process. That’s not to say I don’t still have scars, but they heal when you look back and realize your story is pretty damn fabulous.
We have to choose to appreciate and enjoy our journey. I say this with the deepest sense of hypocrisy because in that moment before I had a healthy, beautiful child in my arms, I could have never thought this way. Are you kidding me? Hindsight is 20/20, so don’t let this insight fool you.
I was a hot fucking mess during this entire process. I’m here to tell you is that it’s all normal.
You are normal for feeling like a hot mess. You are normal for not enjoying the process. It’s not fun! But realize that it is your story and your journey. Your story means something it will be what you make it. Let the journey happen how it will happen and know that it’s okay to not feel happy all the time.
It’s your story and you’re the author: and how it all unfolds and how you perceive each chapter is all up to you.
