Learning to Love My PCOS

Welcome to the 2014 Voices of PCOS blog series at The Infertility Voice, in honor of PCOS Awareness Month!

I have several wonderful guest blogs to share with you this month. Bonus: I’m participating in NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) and this month’s theme is healing. You’ll find a brand new post about healing from me every day this month, with Voices of PCOS guest blogs interspersed throughout.

Today, I’m thrilled to open this year’s Voices of PCOS with fellow NLC alum and inspiring, empowering writer and speaker, Rachel Estapa.

Learning to Love My PCOS

By Rachel Estapa

I’ve seldom seen an article or conversation regarding polycystic ovarian syndrome that has a happy, positive tone to it. Living with the disorder for over fifteen years, I can understand why few report back with kind sentiments. It’s a frustrating, complex, bewildering condition that touches deeply the core identities of the women who live with it. It strikes where we hurt most – our bodies, well being, our femininity and sense of “normalcy.” PCOS is very real and for many, very painful.

I experienced symptoms of PCOS the day my period began at age eleven. Within a few months soon after, my period became erratic and unpredictable, leaving only a trail of weight gain, unexplainable at the time. I went from an average-size girl to a heavy-set adolescent in the blink of an eye. My healthy and active lifestyle remained the same, but my body transformed into something I felt embarrassed of.

Years upon years of dieting, of fruitless doctors visits, and increased body-shame, I continued to blame myself for what was honestly, beyond my total control. “Just lose weight!” was the common answer from doctors, along side a cocktail of birth control pills and exercise pamphlets, relics from the late 80’s. And despite successfully losing over 50 pounds, the periods never regulated and the physical and mental exhaustion from constant dieting was wearing me down.

It wasn’t until I had to have an ovarian tumor removed that I learned much of my struggle was due to undiagnosed PCOS. Did I feel better knowing the source? Not really. I had believed for so long that my weight was my fault and something to fix, but now, I had another burden upon my body to lament. While the diagnosis answered some questions, it didn’t answer the one which kept me up at night: Why did I get stuck with this kind of body in the first place?

My quest to answer the question sparked one of the best changes in my life.

Today, my attitude towards my body is one of gratitude, amazement and unconditional love. I’ve spent the past few years actively engaged in body-acceptance, choosing to take back the power of my worth from the hands of shame and guilt. It is not an easy road, but it’s been the only path forward that keeps both my health, self-esteem and well-being in balance.

For me, it’s a choice between living in fear and anger towards my body, or cultivating trust and good faith in my ability to manage what life gives me. I’m a smart, capable and loving woman in many areas of my life — why wouldn’t these apply to how I treat my body?

To get to this place I had to face what I feared most: accept my body for what it is. I had to trust that despite an uphill battle compared to others without PCOS or weight issues, my body was doing exactly what it could do to make sure I was ok.

\Rather than focus on what was broken and needed to be fixed, I swapped that perspective out for recognizing and appreciating my bodies natural strength and beauty. And when the medical advice aligned with how I wanted to manage my PCOS, I accepted the additional support.

I understand I am responsible for my body, to care for it and treat it well, not only through actions, but thoughts and attitude that focuses on my bodies worth, not its burdens.

Acceptance is not resignation. Accepting my body’s weight, it’s difficulty with balancing hormones and other symptoms that come with PCOS has given me the ability to make peace with what is and manage what is truly in my control.

I gave up fighting my body and over the past two years, it’s responded amazingly to my kindness. I no longer take any hormonal treatment to induce a period and for the past few months now, I menstruate regularly. I no longer suffer from the inflammation and bloating in my pelvis because I listen to what my body wants regarding food and exercise.

I don’t connect with pain anymore, I’ve replaced it with recognizing the multitude of signals it might be giving me and to respond with rest, movement or something more compassionate.

But perhaps the biggest shift has been I no longer support the idea there is a separation of my body from myself – it’s not some frustrating vessel I’m trapped within. I consider my stomach and hips to be as crucially important to my whole essence, just like my laugh and sense of determination is.

That balance alone brings peace and while I cannot anticipate what might happen to my body next, I can guarantee I’ll be here to support and love it, as it’s done for me even when I didn’t want to love it back.

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Rachel Estapa, founder of More To Love, is a writer, speaker and certified coach devoted to helping plus size women cultivate confidence and body acceptance. Through her signature online program, the More To Love Class (next one begins September 2), she educates plus size women on how to redefine what positive body image and wellness can be, enabling them to lead happier, healthier and more empowered lives. Rachel’s work has been featured in Huffington Post, XOJane, Boston Magazine and numerous publications in health and wellness.