You know you’ve hit a new low when you’re blogging on your phone from the floor of your bathroom, curled up in a fetal position, head resting on a pile of (dirty?) towels:
So, I was really hoping to avoid any “let’s bitch about pregnancy symptoms” posts but, that’s going to be impossible. And enter: The Guilt, with a capitol G.
When you hear about morning sickness, you might think: “Oh! How splendid! Just a few hours of unpleasantness in the mornings! How delightful!”
FUCK THAT.
There was the middle of the day episode where I’m literally hugging a toilet in the bathroom of Whole Foods, completely overwhelmed by the panorama of smells assaulting me from every corner of the store. Then there’s the “Hooray! I’m finally about to get busy with my husband for the first time in a week!” moment just before bed and then I feel my stomach lurch. Nope, no nookie tonight hun – I might barf on you. There’s the nausea that wakes me up at 5am, the nausea before meals, after meals, in between meals… it’s just *relentless*.
And yet, I have not vomited once. I’ve had two rounds of dry heaves (Whole Foods and now today), but no actual barf. I have this strange hope that if I can just produce one round of barfing, it will magically make my nausea disappear. I’ve tried sour, mint, ginger, fruit, water, smaller meals, larger meals, eating more frequently, eating less frequently, going for a walk, laying down, trying to distract myself and yet – NOTHING.
Back to The Guilt.
I lamented on Facebook today about my pregnant predicament and got lots of sympathetic responses and advice. All well intentioned, as usual. Many folks seem to believe I’m carrying a girl based on my parade of nausea, but I’m not so sure: I’m taking 0.1mg of transdermal estradiol, 4 mg of oral estradiol, 300 mg of oral progesterone and 2 doses of Crinone – DAILY. I imagine all these extra hormones are only exacerbating the situation. And I’ll be on these for another 3 weeks *sob*
And then I got a comment from someone telling me to “enjoy every minute of it – I know I did.”
Yes, I enjoy working half the time I normally do every day because I spend half of it in bed, wishing for the nausea to let up for just a half hour and thus losing the potential to earn more money as a freelancer. I enjoy laying on the floor of my bathroom (sweet Jesus I need to mop) while my cats pussyfoot around my moaning, crying body. I enjoy taking two bites of food in a restaurant only to carefully set my fork down and begin belching into my napkin as my stomach turns. I enjoy the perpetual worry about whether or not my baby is getting enough nutrients because I can barely eat and when I do, it’s usually easily digestible junk food or feeling bad that I skip my prenatal vitamins every few days or so because I just want to wake up one morning without feeling like I’m going to throw up my stomach through my mouth. I enjoy panicking that it’s almost week 9 (or may already be week 9 – I still technically don’t have a due date yet) and that I’m down almost 10 lbs and come 3 weeks from now, I should be gaining.
I get that I asked for this, that we wanted this.
BUT.
That does not make my perpetual nausea suck any less.
AND.
I do *not* have to enjoy it. I do not have to be graceful about this.
(Grateful, yes. But hardly graceful. Or pleasant for that matter.)
AND.
I refuse to feel guilty about this. Even though… I totally feel guilty about how I feel.
I’m going to go back to playing games on my phone as I try to distract myself from the fact that I all I want to do right now is hurl all the way up from the bottoms of my feet and all over this bathroom floor – and yet *nothing* comes.
Haha on me. I’m trying out new readers and didn’t realize how old this post is!
Icky. This sounds like a horrible existence for now. Hang in there! I’m thoroughly impressed that you managed to get this whole post written with humor to boot!
I think ladies that have gone through IF earned the right to complain 🙂
And I lost weight until about the 3rd trimester. Your baby is fine. Baby is taking all of your nutrients.
Your body will take care of baby first
Yeah, I did NOT enjoy any minute of my relentless nausea (I had this for 7 months) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperemesis_gravidarum, which, hmmm – I wonder if that’s what’s going on with you?) I feel you, really. That nausea is TERRIBLE. The only good thing about it was I was so busy feeling terrible that I spent a lot less time worrying than I probably would have. That’s a seriously pathetic silver lining.
That photo made me laugh 🙂 You and Larry (I don’t know him but I feel like I do?) are quite the dynamic duo 🙂
Never had nausea here so I can’t relate to that. But I do want to ease your mind on the weight gain. It’ll come. I worried about eating enough all the time, especially with two. And I lost 10+ lbs in the beginning even without nausea (I think I had enough to not feel like eating but not enough to dry heave). But I’m sure your little baby is getting just the right stuff and awesomeness is that if he/she isn’t then they will find what they need in your body and reserves to make it until you aren’t claiming your porcelain throne 🙂 Good luck. Hope it eases up soon.
I know the guilt is there for complaining because we tried so hard for this, but like a previous commenter said – it doesn’t make pregnancy or parenthood any different. We should have every right to post on our blogs or FB or tweet about how much it sucks to XYZ – we just tend to hear more backlash because we are tuned into the community that *wishes* to be in our shoes. But you have every right to complain.
I was also the nausea without puking all day long kind of morning sickness. I think that the feeling that you are going to puke is worse than the actual puking (but I am sure those who actually puked would say differently).
I know you have had plenty of advice, but I found taking my vitamin at night helped. I also found that upping my protien intake helped as well (Peanut Butter was my friend). And, if all you can keep down is carb rich, then that is what you should eat – and don’t let ANYONE give you any shit about how you should eat a balanced diet for the baby. Balanced can come when you don’t feel like hurling..
Hope this subsides for you as you make your way into the second trimester. Until then, we are here to commiserate.
“Morning” sickness is horrible. I spent six weeks of my first trimester literally running out of my classroom to throw up in the bushes by the back door. I remember one day looking up and wiping my mouth with my hand only to catch some dad staring at me, disgusted. He probably thought I was hung over or something, retching my smoothing in to the dried leaves. It was a low moment to be sure.
Dealing with those weeks of morning sickness while I was teaching was one of the hardest things I ever did. You are a warrior for getting through this, including all the guilt that goes along with it.
Good luck! I hope it gets better soon!
There are also helpful, less zofran drugs that might work too. Be sure you’re asking for help if you need it (yes, now you could use some drugs to see if you can return to semi-functional) and see if something will help. In the first trimester this time, I had terrible vertigo, especially looking at a screen for more than 10 minutes, so maybe take a break from blinky lights and screens and see if that helps. I also really like the more natural light I get by using a program to fix the lighting on the computer. It’s called f.lux and it’s free and amazing. Mostly I hope your hormones calm down and you can cope better. Don’t enjoy every minute. If you did that, how would you know when something was really awesome? Just wait and you’ll get to enjoy something again eventually. “Enjoy every minute” people are just nuts. #NotYourDoctorNotRealMedicalAdvice
I really hope this subsides soon. By the way, I don’t think there is any rhyme or reason regarding theories that more nausea means girl and less means boy. My sister threw up NINE times a day for FOUR MONTHS with each of her three boys. I NEVER threw up and really was not nauseated at all and I have a girl. So who knows what you are having! Oh, and along the lines of Annabel’s comment above, MANY people I know had great help from Zofran during their pregnancies. I had some in my IV after my c-section and the stuff worked like a dream! I hope you have minimal nausea from hereon out. 🙂
Any better today? 🙂
The nausea is awful awful. Mine thankfully went away at about 15 weeks. I also took zofran and it was amazing. The dissolvable kind since swallowing pills would make me throw up. Ask your doctor about it.!
The same thing is true of parenthood. Yes, we desperately wanted to be parents. That doesn’t mean it’s all Pollyanna here, all the time. Infertility changes everything … and yet, in some respects, it doesn’t change anything at all.
Hang in there, friend. You are absolutely allowed to hate hugging the toilet as much as any preggo does.
Love this post!!! You go!! I always had all-day-sickness and it lasted into the middle of the second trimester. I’d puke at least five times a day. It was horrible. And NO ONE ANYWHERE EVER ENJOYED PUKING!!! No one.
You have nothing to feel guilty for. On the other hand, anyone who tells you to love lying on your dirty bathroom floor.. they should feel quite guilty.
One thing that sometimes helped me that I didn’t see in your list… I used to carry around a small jar of cloves and sniff them any time I thought I may puke. Another trick I used was to wash my hands with very good smelling soap and smell my hands. Sometimes it kept me from gagging…. sometimes not. .
Just because you wanted to get pregnant forever does NOT mean you have to enjoy all the parts of pregnancy. Don’t feel guilty. The nausea is awful. I was sick my entire pregnancy. For the first trimester, I just prayed that I didn’t vomit on my students. My doc put me on Zofran first–and it worked for a while. Then he upped me to phenegran (sp). I took it from about week 16 until delivery–off and on. I was terrified the babies weren’t getting enjoy nutrition. I started taking my prenatal at night with my biggest meal. I don’t know that it made things better. I am positive that I survived on Taco Bell and Chic-FIL-A (good thing my pregnancy was before my boycott). These were the only things I could keep down. I think I ate Taco Bell everyday when I left work. Hang in there. I will tell you that a nurse at my ob’s office told me to try to limit my time in front of he computer and phone. She said that the light can trigger nausea. My ob told me that focusing intently for long periods on a book, computer, etc can increase vomitting–he gave a scientific reason, but I don’t remember it now.
Hang in there. No guilty. You are allowed to hate morning sickness, complain about being uncomfortable, bitch about how long you were in labor, and eventually, complain because your baby has been screaming for what seems like a whole day.
I saw that and I wanted to scream for you. I posted about similar things when I was pregnant – not the nausea, but the comments I got that made me want to kill people. And if that woman enjoyed being nauseated and puking for (at least) the first trimester? I’m sure there’s a job for her doing that somewhere…
I agree with Maggie – fuck trying to enjoy it, fuck the guilt. Fuck those who try to make you feel guilty for complaining. Fuck those who tell you “You wanted this”. No shit, but that doesn’t mean the pregnancy itself is any different. Perhaps more fraught with worry and guilt, but the symptoms? Nope, the same thing as every other woman’s pregnancy (within wide boundaries). You are entitled to ALL the feels, ALL the complaints, ALL the things, just like those who get pregnant at the drop of a hat. Don’t allow anyone to tell you any different.
The weight gain, though, that I might be able to help you with the guilt on. It’s quite normal to lose weight at the beginning of the pregnancy, due to the exact thing you are going through. The baby WILL take what s/he needs from you – sap it from your very bones and fibers, if need be. (A friend of ours in due in mid-December and she’s gained a whopping 2 pounds. Doc not concerned because baby is doing fine!) The important thing is to try and keep your levels up, which is what the pre-nates are for. If you haven’t already, try taking them at night…and try the gummy versions. My doc had me on 2 children’s gummy vitamins – you get the same thing, but in a different format. I found them a LOT easier to handle – didn’t upset my stomach nearly as much and I was better at taking them. I know others have suggested getting on zo.fran, and it might not be a bad idea if the doc will let you. At the very least it might give you a little relief!
Hopefully some of this helps. If I’m too “helpful” with my assvice, please feel free to let me know. I promise not to take offense. I know it can get overwhelming, and that those who think they’re being helpful often aren’t. I don’t want to be THAT person.
Just lay there and breathe….
Fuck trying to enjoy it.
Fuck the guilt.
chew papaya enzyme.
Sending love….