This post is part of Time Warp Tuesdays hosted by Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed. The second Tuesday of every month, we dig into our archives and find a post that relates to this month’s theme and reflect on how we’ve grown. This month’s theme is hope. Swing by Kathy’s blog today to see who else is participating and join in the fun!
For the better part of my life, I have dreaded the home pregnancy test.
Because if I was taking one, that meant I didn’t actually want to be pregnant.
Oh how things have changed.
The last one I remembered taking was in November of 2008. I hadn’t yet been diagnosed. We hadn’t even been married a year. I was so panicked, I actually went out and bought emergency contraception as soon as I realized the error of our timing. We just weren’t ready then.
In the end, it didn’t matter anyway and I wasted $45 on EC to prevent a pregnancy that had no chance of existing.
Apparently though, I took another HPT again, in August 2009. I was 5 months out from my diagnosis. You’d think I would’ve learned by then, but apparently not:
Today I promise to stop peeing on sticks, b/c in this economy and in a single-income household, I simply cannot afford to buy anymore. I’ve had persistent nausea and migraines for the last week. I thought *maybe* – maybe baby.
$13 later, maybe not.
When you haven’t had a period in 7.5 months (227 days to be exact, but who’s counting?) it kind of makes any odd early pregnancy symptom jump out at you, even when you know you have a busted ovary.
Today at lunch, I P’d OAS. I didn’t even set a timer. 20 minutes later my husband reminded me- Hey, did I check it? Oh yeah, duh. The single line of doom. Toss it out like every other one. And every POAS I’ve ever done in my life- including the handful in college- has always been for the same reason: Oh crap. Am I? Did we?
Previous to my diagnosis, one line meant relief. Now, it’s an annoying reminder. A minus sign. Me minus a baby. Me, incomplete in some way. Two lines are an equal sign. Two lines equal completion.
Today, I promise to stop peeing on sticks until we’re actively trying, which at this point, is so up in the air right now it makes me want to scream. I need to stop overanalyzing myself and my body. I need to stop thinking that my POF will reverse itself, magically, on a whim. And every time it comes up negative, I just get into one helluva foul mood.
Today, I’m giving up believing in chances, in maybes, in what ifs. It’s not a matter of giving up hope; it’s a matter of fiscal responsibility. It’s a matter of survival.
As far as I can tell, that was the last time I used a pregnancy test. I’ve kept my promise to myself.
I find it interesting that I saw the act of POAS as a sign of weakness then, and that by giving up HPTs, it might be indicative of somehow giving up hope. For me, at that point in my journey, it was about emotional survival.
And here I am, 10dp3dt of my very first IVF cycle, which means by all accounts, I could totally POAS today with accurate results.
And yet, I won’t.
I’m on the PVED Boards, in the Fall Cycle group. It’s a huge group of women, all discussing their adventures in donor egg IVF. It’s been immensely helpful. There’s lots of free-flowing urine in there. For many women, the act of POAS is like an act of control, since so much control is ripped away from us.
Not every woman in our group has been successful. And it breaks your heart to read about someone taking an HPT, getting a BFN only to have it officially confirmed at their beta a few days later. Or worse, a very faint line but in truth, a beta that wasn’t viable.
I feel like HPT should stand for “Hope Possibility Test” at this point, because I feel like these (entirely too expensive) hormonal litmus tests can turn us into pee-stick obsessed crazy ladies.
Beta is in just 2 days from now. I begged Larry to let me POAS over this weekend, but he has expressly forbidden it. And I realized he’s right. We just don’t want to play any games with the hope that we’re clinging to right now. After all, I’m pregnant – until proven otherwise.
I only have 2 more days until the moment of proof.
I’m not pissing all over anyone who needs to POAS every day of their 2ww, let me be clear; I just feel that we’ve invested so much emotionally into this first (and we pray, only) round of IVF that if I were to POAS and get a negative, it would just crush me – and any hope we have right now – before ever walking into my clinic on Thursday morning.
This 2ww has not only been an exercise in epic patience, but one of constant abiding hope. Hope that yes: our Team Zoll MVPs have stuck around and that in about nine months from now, we’ll get to meet them in person.
And truly, no matter what happens, no matter how beta goes this Thursday: hope is not something I can just “give up” anyway. It’s just not who I am.
Dum spiro, spero.
While I breathe, I hope.
~Cicero
Hoping, praying, dying with anticipation. I can not wait to celebrate with you.
😉
Fine. I will still be your friend even if you aren’t POAS. I’m soooo hopeful for you! XO
Ha!
Oh man, I didn’t POAS with my first IVF either, and that state of hope I was in up until the beta was great, until I got the wind totally kicked out of me when I got that phone call that it was negative. I will never NOT poas before a beta now. I’ve had three more IVFs since that first one and knowing what was in store made the bad news SO much easier. Seriously. Just the thought of not having a clue about what’s coming on beta day makes me sick right now….it’s just so far to fall. I don’t mean to rain all of your hope right now….really, you’re totally stronger than me for holding out so far. With that being said, I can’t friggin wait to hear about your beta! I’m really hoping for the best for you!!!! Fingers crossed!
Thanks Erin!
Am keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you! Best of luck!
Thank you!
Even though I broke up with Hope for ME, I am re-friending her for YOU.
Love that Cicero quote. I’ll be hoping right along with you on Thursday morning.
🙂
I can’t believe it has come down to you being just two days away from the big beta!!!
So glad you decided to do the Time Warp again with us this month and appreciate the direction you went with this post…
I did A LOT of POASing over the years that we were trying to conceive on our own, but never when we were doing ART cycles. I just preferred or convinced myself to wait. I will never know what the other way would have been like, but I was proud of myself for holding out. Of course it made waiting for those phone calls on Beta day all the more excruciating, but I felt like that way I knew for sure via blood test,
It was nostalgic for me to also read about you being part of a cycle group. I was active on IVFC in 2007 when we were doing IVF and FET and it was so awesome and bittersweet to share that experience with other women who were going through the same experience that I was. That is actually how I met Carolyn Savage and bizarre to reflect on where our journeys led both of us since we connected there over five years ago now. But I digress…
I am so proud of you and have everything crossed for you that this will be the cycle that brings you the baby(s) that you have hope for and dreamed of for so long. If you do get that BFP beta in two days, you can always POAS then! 🙂 Oh Keiko, I want this so much for you!!! If only hoping, wishing and praying made it so…. As you said, you are still PUPO and that is a wonderful place to be! I hope that it is a state of being that you get to maintain for the next 9 months of or so! xoxo
Thank you so much Kathy – your support has really meant a lot. And how amazing that you met Carolyn that way – small world! I <3 my PVED Boards. While it's a little overwhelming sometimes, the sanctity of that private online group has been amazing. Thank you for hosting such an excellent Time Warp this month! Such a fantastic topic. 🙂
LIke you, I refused to POAS. I held onto hope for as long as possible, refusing to take away even a single moment of feeling like “this is a possibility.” Good for you Keiko. I’m watching and waiting anxiously with you. I know the PIO shots are… well… a pain in the ass. But damn, I can’t help but hope that you have to continue them for the first 10-12 weeks. It’d be amazing to hear that news in two, short days. Sending love and hugs to you and Larry as you hang in there. XOXOXO
Gil, you must have caught the vibe I was sending out there about you this morning. In writing this post, I found myself re-reading some of my earliest posts, including this one: http://theinfertilityvoice.com/2009/05/staying-inspired-and-motivated/ – where I quoted such a beautiful passage/moment from your blog. As I reread it, I thought: “Gil’s right. We all deserve this. And that yes, it’s all worth it.”
Keiko,
Those last few days of the 2WW are absolute torture. I am keeping everything crossed for you and I am also anxiously awaiting your daily posts to see how things are progressing. Good for you for holding out on POAS. I am one of those people who does much better with keeping my hopes up if I don’t have an (albeit early) negative hanging over my head, so I was a staunch supporter of not POAS every day….
[I want to preface this next info with the fact that we had lots of sickly embryos that looked like you shook up a bubble container and didn’t make it to freeze and that our success was with a pair of gorgeous embryos from a donor embryo cycle.]
After my first failed IVF cycle where I got THE CALL while at work (and worse yet, in my bosses office), I decided that POAS the morning of the Beta was the way to go. That way, I got a preliminary result with my hubby by my side to (either celibrate or commiserate). When we finally did get a “PREGNANT” readout on that HPT, we were able to hug each other and cry – which was so much better than a phone call would have been.
I also meant to comment on your video of your cheeky bum – IM shots are inter-muscular. I was having some trouble injecting my bum and I got the OK to add my thighs into the mix. It wasn’t nearly as painful as it sounds, the surface area was a bit more and also more easily accessible. Perhaps you could add your thighs to the rotation and give your bum a rest…
The wait has been something else, that’s for sure. Thanks for the kind words of support!
Keiko, I am so hopeful to you and I have been eagerly awaiting your posts each day! I was the same way with my IVF cycle and not wanting to POAS. I also meant to comment yesterday about the pain you’re in with your shots. I’m so sorry, first of all, that you’re suffering so much! That sounds beyond how bad it’s meant to be.
A couple of thoughts: I noticed in your video that you put the needle in and pull it out very slowly. I’ve found it hurts less if both happen very quickly. Far less bleeding as well. But in terms of the ongoing pain, see if your RE will switch you to progesterone in ethyl oleate. It’s a thinner solution, easier for the body to absorb and less likely to cause knots. It can be injected with 1 1/2″ 25 gauge needle, which is much thinner than the PIO needles need to be.
I totally understand wanting to wait until the beta to figure this out… but even if they can just get the new prescription lined up now, so that WHEN! you get your positive on Thursday, you can fill it right away, that means the pain will (hopefully) lessen sooner. Just want to say too how much I admire your ongoing hope and positivity. You are honestly a beacon and inspiration to us all.
Thank you so much Shelley! I realized, after I made the video, that I was taking WAY too long to put the needle in and pull it out; in fact, that video was pretty much the last night I did shots on myself – I made my husband start doing them again.
Good luck! I’m one of those “pee every chance you get” types, but I buy my HPTs either online for super cheap or at the dollar store if I’m in a pinch…no $13 tests here! I have my fingers and toes crossed for you!
😀