I’ve been talking about my butt a lot here the past few days, more than I think I ever would on this blog.
In case you missed my PIO shot video, I have, according to Sir Mix-A-Lot (pictured, above and right) what he calls a “healthy butt.” In fact, I believe Mr. Mix-A-Lot would like me to “shake my healthy butt” because of its great health.
The thought of shaking my healthy butt kind of makes me want to throw up.
Despite the cheekiness of my Cheeky Bum Shots PIO video, I’m not really having a very good time at all with the PIO shots. Many of you have been leaving me comments, links to blog posts, videos, other resources to make these PIO shots a little less hellish.
Yeah, about that.
I know it’s all well-intentioned… but none of anyone’s advice is working for me.
None.
I know, because I’ve literally tried all of your advice.
Have I iced before? Yup. How about after? That too. Skipped the ice entirely? Yeah. Heating pad? Yup. Moist heat? Oh yeah. Warming the vial? Sure. Warming the syringe? Totally. New needle tips? Of course. Make sure the alcohol is dry? Every time. Get my shot laying down? Si. Standing up? Oui. Bending over a chair? Da. Move around afterward? Always. Yoga poses to deeply stretch those ass and hip muscles? Even those. Massage for 5 minutes? 10 minutes? 30 minutes? Check, check and check.
N O T H I N G W O R K S.
I am literally in constant pain 24/7 right now.
And because of my “healthy butt” I do carry some extra padding around my hips and ass. Which means when I walk down the stairs, my fat jiggles and settles with each foot strike. Which means my butt hurts with every step I take.
Watching me get in and out of my car is a practically a farce.
I have a pretty high pain threshold: don’t forget, I’ve had a tooth nerve DIE in my SKULL without pain medication before (quickly followed by my first root canal… of many) and had an ovarian torsion WHERE MY OWN OVARY DIED IN MY BODY that went undiagnosed for THREE DAYS without medical intervention. Let’s just say, I know how to handle pain.
But this? This is just a constant, hot, throbbing ache on both ass cheeks and my hips 24 hours a day. Sitting down, laying down, standing up, bending over – all of it just hurts. And the pain varies in scale; sometimes it’s an 3 or a 4, sometimes it’s as high as an 8 or 9. But I’ve got pain hovering around a 5 every single hour of the day.
It’s exhausting – literally.
I’m a side sleeper who tosses and turns. When each side of your ass and hips is riddled with lumps, bruises and soreness, I try not to move as much in the night. I pretty much find a position that’s (somewhat) comfortable and try to stay in it. But I can’t control that my body wants to flip over like a pan of breakfast sausages. So when I do, the pain wakes me up, even out of my deepest sleep.
I’ve been a bit bleary-eyed for the last few days because I’m just not getting any sleep.
And waking up? Fuck, I’m wincing just thinking about it.
Waking up and getting out of bed is literally the most painful part of my day. It’s almost extraordinary how difficult it is for me to get out of bed first thing in the morning. I nearly wet the bed this morning because I had to pee so bad, and yet I was dreading just trying to sit up.
As if having 2ccs of progesterone coursing through my veins every day isn’t enough, the pain has turned me into a major grouch. I feel so bad for my husband; I’ve let him start giving me the shots again because I just don’t have the morale to do them myself. I’m glad I know how to do them when he’s out of town early next week, but still – I just can’t do them myself right now. I’m not motivated enough.
My evening routine consists of cry, bend over, get shot, make creepy, scary pain management moaning sounds while the medication goes in, try not to freak out when I feel blood running down my leg after he pulls the needle out, eat a piece of chocolate and fall asleep crying. No joke, this has been the last four nights in our bedroom.
Let me tell you – it’s doing wonders for our sex life.
And now, here’s a hefty dose of guilt and self-loathing, just to cap off this already cheerful post.
I haven’t yet talked to my RE about this because I don’t want to go makin’ a big deal over this, if, come Thursday, we find out this cycle didn’t work. That 2WW flip-flop of uncertainty leaves me constantly wondering if this worked or not. Sometimes, I really believe it has. Other times, I’m just not so sure. As someone who’s pretty in touch with her own body’s signs and signals, I have no idea what to think since all this progesterone mimics early pregnancy symptoms anyway.
I figure my beta is Thursday, so I can suffer through at least 4 more nights of this. There’s no need to change anything now if, G-d forbid, I won’t need to take another shot past Thursday, yanno?
And of course, I don’t want to sound like I’m ungrateful for the prospect of having to do this for another 12 weeks. I know this is just a temporary thing. I know that right now, these hormones are supporting the health and growth of the Team Zoll MVPs.
I desperately want to meet them and I already feel like a horrible woman for wishing that this pain would just go away, for wishing I could just take ONE NIGHT OFF from this horribleness. Fact is, when you have kids, you don’t get nights off. I know all of that. And then I feel bad that I’m harboring such negativity – I feel bad for feeling bad – because the last thing I want to do is fuck any of this up. It’s a vicious cycle of guilt and self-loathing.
Add to that a layer of 2WW tension in our house so thick you could cut it with a knife – well, let’s just say, I’m glad that beta is just 3 days from now.
Thanks for letting me rant about my butt. I’ma go back and take a nap now and try not to aggravate it further.
UPDATE: Talked to my RE since I’ve spent all day in bed and crying. Going down to 1cc PIO shots and Crinone vaginal gel 2x a day. He’s just not ready to pull me off IM injections yet. I’ll take it. Only 1 more 2cc shot: tonight’s. Thank you all so much for your support and kind words today. They have REALLY meant a lot because I have NOT been doing well with the pain at all today.
I know how annoying tips can be, too.. My PIO shots hurt like hell this cycle. Last cycle was a breeze but this one has left me bruised and sore after jut 5 shots. I have a small butt (I call it my rump shaker) and even that jiggles when I bounce, trott or sprint across a crosswalk. I cycle and have a pair of compression shorts I wear for long rides and crazy yoga sessions. Weird as this sounds, they help cut down on the jiggle and the pain. Some days I slip them under my skirts. Just a thought in the event you have 8 to 12 more weeks of these suckers staring you down. Compression shorts ain’t sexy, but neither is holding your bum in pain 🙂 I’m sending you all the positive thoughts I can muster right now and very much hope you and your husband spend the weekend celebrating good news. xoxo
That’s a really good idea re: compression shorts! Thanks for the tip! 🙂
I’m so sorry this hurts so much! Talk about insult to injury, as if this wasn’t hard enough. You’re in my prayers!
Thanks so much for the kind thoughts!
Oh honey!! I’m so sorry! Pain sucks.
I’m thinking of you and really trying hard to sit on my hands and not ask if you are going to POAS. (Oops. I guess I just did. Heh)
🙂
Keiko,
PIO shots are horrible!! I can’t believe that you have had to do 2 cc’s at a time… Just so ya know though, the crinone, while not painful, isn’t the most fun either. Full disclosure: it is like having cottage cheese randomly come out of your vagina. Sorry for the gross descriptor, but I certainly wish I had had some warning!!! Good luck! I know that there are so many people out there who are rooting for you, myself included.
Suzanne
So far, knock wood – it hasn’t been that bad. I will take cottage cheese over a sore ass any day 🙂
This sounds AWFUL! I am so very sorry. I am a bit worried that the pain levels reach that high a level 🙁 Can you maybe talk to a nurse in the RE’s office and tell her what’s happening?
I have no advice (I didn’t do the PIOs) but just lots of hugs. You are such a hero.
Larry said the same thing and after spending most of the day Monday crying in pain, I finally called the RE; moved me to Crinone and 1cc of PIO. Thank goodness!
PIO was AWFUL for me and no one’s advice worked. For me, I had huge muscular knots from the shots that you could see from the outside. They were painful and awful. The only thing that made it better was acupuncture and switching to Endometrin. They let me switch to the suppositories once I had my beta. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. 🙁
Thanks for abiding. How are you doing?? When are you due?
I’m doing well. Due Jan. 1 but doubt I’ll make it that long. CONGRATS on your good news!
I had a similar experience. PIO is horrible. I’m so sorry.
IF you get that bfp, you should insist on another means of progesterone supplementation. There is no good scientific reason that you should have to suffer like that. Gels and suppositories work just as well. They’re yucky, but at least not excruciating.
Wishing for fantastic news on Thursday!
Yanno, I was all like “shots are the best, who wants to deal with yucky suppositories” – yeah, not so much anymore! 🙂
YOU ARE DOING GREAT!! Seriously, No words of advice, you’re doing the exact right things. And remember the way you feel today (mental/physical state) is no guarantee of how you will feel tomorrow. Hang in there!
🙂 Thanks so much for the inspiring words!
I’m sorry they’re so hard on you. I was sore, and I had the lumps bad, bruises too, and a warm shower running on them offered some relief but it was still uncomfortable. Even weeks after stopping. I know that doesn’t help, but remember there is an end in sight, no matter when it is, you will not be taking these for an entire pregnancy!
You may want to mention this to your doctor. Maybe it’s the type of oil in your PIO making it so much worse? They do have some with different oils, since some people have peanut allergies and the common PIO is in peanut oil. It doesn’t hurt to call your doctor regardless and ask what you can do or take to help with this. There’s no sense being in so much pain.
I hope you find some relief. Hang in there!
Thanks for the advice – I finally broke down the day I wrote this post and my doc moved me to Crinone and 1 less CC of PIO. We’ll take it!
Hurts. Tell the truth. HURTS. Babies, and toddlers and young children and pre-teens and teens and young adults and…. always. Trouble, sometimes pain, sometimes glory. YOU KNOW THIS and you are going forward knowing this. It is why babies are miracles of love. Keep on telling the truth. People need to hear the truth.
Because it does hurt and you are doing it anyway. . Because parenthood isn’t easy. Because we do it voluntarily and with love.
I hope you get your hearts desires because I know you understand it will not be easy.. Life isn’t easy, and you are going forth in courage and knowledge and the belief it will all be worth it.
Fingers crossed
Thank you so much for the kind words and motivation.
I have to admit that I want every shot (twice a day) to be the last one… not really, of course since we are still 5 days out from Beta#1, but I do think it every time! We must just be strong enough to endure all this physical (and emotional) pain, right? That said, I don’t think a quick call to the Doc would hurt. Maybe there is something you can do to get some much needed relief!
The important thing to remember, despite the pain – every shot is worth it. Every shot is worth it 😉
I was too chicken to even aim for what you’re aiming for. I salute you, even though doing so does NOTHING to ease the physical pain.
Just hanging out with you for the next 3 days, and beyond 🙂
XOXO
🙂
You might have the wrong KIND of PIO, as in, you’re having an adverse reaction to it. I don’t know what your oil is, but when I asked for advice most people told me to avoid the sesame oil if I could, because it seems to cause adverse reactions. Mine is the olive oil kind, which is most viscous and I don’t seem to have an issue with. But there’s also ethyl oreate, which is supposed to be MUCH thinner, too.
I now it’s only 3 more sleeps until the beta, but that’s a lot of pain. You don’t need to go through that if you can avoid it. Just my opinion, of course. In the meantime, hang in there.
xoxo
I finally relented the day I wrote this and called my RE who moved me to Crinone and reduced the PIO by 1cc. I do have the sesame and it is the worst. Thanks for the well-wishes. How are you holding up??
Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry that the PIO is being such a literal pain in the ass. I understand your reasoning behind just wanting to tough it out for the next four days. BUT —
Do not start yourself on the infertile guilt spiral of feeling bad because you’re not 100% physically okay. You’re allowed to be miserable now in the 2ww, and you’re allowed to not love every single iota of pregnancy. If you find yourself facedown in the toilet for days on end, don’t feel guilty because that aspect of it makes you miserable. It doesn’t make you any less grateful or unhappy about BEING pregnant. That type of guilt spiral is one bag that infertiles don’t have to carry. I know we tend to self-edit that out of respect for other infertiles still trying, but the truth is that we shouldn’t have to fake the funk. We can be miserable and be grateful for having something to be miserable about at the same time. Mmmkay? Don’t do that to yourself.
Maintaining a semblance of sanity is hard enough as it is. 😉
I feel like this should be a blog post in its self. Thank you for the important reminder.
Oh Keiko, I’m so sorry. That sounds awful. I hope the pain subsides soon and that it’s all worth come Thursday. Abiding with you.
I am sorry you are having such a tough time with the PIO. I didn’t love them, and my (also ample) butt was lumpy all over by the time I was allowed to stop them at 12 weeks gestation, but apart from that, I actually had a pretty easy time with them. (A fellow DE IVF-er I know had pain, lumps, and localized allergic reactions which resulted in welts, no matter what formulation she used.) I don’t know how your RE would feel about letting you used progesterone suppositories, but that is certainly another option some doctors consider for patients who cannot tolerate PIO for whatever reason.
Oh, and don’t feel bad for feeling bad. I had a horribly difficult pregnancy, and I often felt guilty for not “enjoying” my pregnancy or for feeling like sh1t. You know what? When something sucks, it sucks. . . even if it’s moving you toward a very-much-wanted end. So feel free to feel bad and to vent about it! 🙂
On a related note. . . you are now 9dp3dt. . . are you going to POAS? I got my first + HPT 7dp5dt after my DE IVF cycle, so basically at the same point you’re at now. . . just sayin’. . . .
No P-ing OAS here. Thankfully, my ass is recovering.
Sending you good energy. Feel as crumby as you want, you are entitled!
Thanks Liz!
I know this is going to sound a bit backward, but do NOT feel guilty about feeling fed up with the pain. How you are feeling is completely natural. No one can offer any advice that will make it better, so I’m not even going to try. I can only offer big hugs and super sticky vibes!
Thank you 🙂 Sometimes I need to remind myself to own my pain.
I have no advice on PIO shots. I’ve never cycled. But I will send lots of good wishes for your beta in 4 days and I hope it is a BFP. Good luck and G-D bless.
Thanks so much April, and happy belated birthday! I know you just recently got dropped the IVF bomb and just wanted to say: you’ve got the willpower. Wishing you the best in your endeavors!
You know what, PIO SUCKS. And it’s ok to HATE it. Hate it visciously! It doesn’t make you ungrateful, it doesn’t curse your cycle. It makes you human. Who wants to be in pain? Clearly you are WILLING to be in pain for the end results, but you don’t have to like it and you don’t have to suffer without complaint. I’ve seen many, many IF-moms feel SO GUILTY about feeling badly about newborn sleep deprevation or colicly babies or hating breastfeeding, and you know what, there is NO reason that you can’t and shouldn’t feel what is NORMAL in a given situation because you have IF. You didn’t ASK to be infertile. You didn’t ask for shots in the ass for weeks at time. Go ahead, HATE IT. COMPLAIN. You earned it. No guilt.
😀 Thank you so much – I’ll be revisiting this comment again and again whenever the shots start getting to me again 🙂 Also, I’ve noticed you’re a new, frequent commenter. Welcome, and thanks for stopping by!
Long time lurker, moved to post to root you on! Can’t wait for Monday! Praying and hoping for GREAT news.