It’s not a matter of IF, but WHEN.
In that regard, I’m banking on the inevitable. While I remain a realist: that yes, our first shot at IVF might not work – I must remain positive. I must envision success. I must live and breathe as if I was pregnant right now. I am, in a very literal sense, expectant.
Expectant that this will work, in its own time, and remaining hopeful that means the first time.
I’m not putting pressure on myself, as much as it might sound otherwise. As Tracey noted in her reply to my post yesterday:
I think your goals are great, but hope you will be kind to yourself if you find that you’re not able to meet them all. You sound like me and I know when I set many big goals in the face of a major life event, I can be very hard on myself and feel like a failure if I don’t meet them all.
Good catch, Tracey. It’s true: I don’t want to be so strict and rigorous with myself that G-d forbid if this doesn’t work, I’m kicking and cursing myself for not eating well enough, not exercising enough.
But right now, in this moment: I have to assume that it will work. That I will become pregnant. That by this time next year, I’ll be a new mom.
As someone who dallies in superstition, these are not easy things to type. But these words, these beliefs are necessary to this process of aligning my body and mind into a place of positive visualization. I’m not so overly hopeful as to begin creating pinboards on Pinterest of nursery designs and baby things, but I won’t lie: the thought has occurred to me. I refuse to buy a single pregnancy-related item until such time is appropriate, the only exception being my prenatal vitamins.
That said, when I mentioned wanting to start prenatal yoga, it’s simply to get my mind and body into that headspace of expectant motherhood.
G-d knows I expect to be a mother one day. Here’s hoping I can nail it on my first shot.
I’ve been juggling a careful balance of hope and realism, naïveté and cautious optimism, self-control and motivation. I temper these perspectives delicately, as I don’t want to perch myself too high on the Hopeful Horse, only to fall that much harder should our cycle fail.
. . .
I bring all of this up because I recently had someone confuse a question I had asked on one of my social media channels with a subtle pregnancy announcement. I also was told, via a friend of a friend of a friend, that someone I know in real life was hoping I’d be making “a special announcement” at a social gathering this weekend.
I know: I too winced at things like these, as I have for the last three and a half years. But now I need to prepare myself for the possibility of making it to “the other side” of infertility – at least, in a physical sense; I foresee my infertility will remain with me emotionally, regardless.
…Which means inevitably (and again, hopefully sooner rather than later) – I’ll be making a genuine pregnancy announcement of my own here. And I know how incredibly hard that is to read if you haven’t yet resolved in some way. I’ve felt that way for the last three and a half years, watching other bloggers resolve, parent, and even lap me.
. . .
Esperanza had a really moving post last week about The Sucker Punch BFP. She writes specifically about surprise pregnancy announcements, particularly in the ALI blogosphere, about how they can very painfully catch us off guard. But Esperanza goes much more deeply into her tumble of emotions following one of these announcements that I think holds true for any pregnancy announcement, whether we expect them from ALI bloggers or not:
I have this cycle of thoughts I run through, it goes something like this. First I run through all the people I know who recently got pregnant easily. Then I wonder why I can’t do the same. I list all the possible reasons why it’s not happening…
Then I decide that it’s obvious what the difference is between these people who get pregnant and me: They want it more… They deserve it more. It’s my dark envy that keeps me from getting pregnant…
Of course I don’t believe these things to be true. If someone said this to any of the women I know who are trying– and failing– right now to get pregnant I would be the first to stand up in their defense. I would never think these things about someone else, but I am always thinking them about myself.
I relate so much to her words because I’ve felt them too. Felt the instant smile masking the sting, the burn of tears filling my eyes as I type “Mazel tov!” and hit “Reply.” And I know that when the time comes, so many of you will feel the same way – that my eventual resolution, even as joyful as it may be, will be just as tinged with pain for you as all those resolutions I’ve been reading and yearning for over the last three years.
I think, had my blog not evolved in the myriad ways that it has over the years, had my readership stayed small and intimate – I might not have cared how my words would land. But now? After everything I’ve invested into this space and the overwhelming reciprocity of support, compassion, and flat-out love I have received from so many of you over the years…
I care very deeply about how I will break the news to everyone who reads my blog that yes, by G-d, I’m finally pregnant. I truly care about how those words – and everything that comes with them – will impact each and every one of you. I have to face this strange reality that the moment I began sharing my name and face, that I would never be able to couch myself or my journey in anonymity again.
. . .
It’s finally dawning on me just how very public my first cycle will be. It is both comforting and reassuring to know that I have so many people cheering me on. It’s genuinely humbling and I’m deeply grateful every day for the words of support and encouragement, both here and on Facebook and Twitter.
At the same time, it’s daunting to know just how many people are all up in my biz 😉
I’m not complaining – I threw open the gates of my journey wide and with pride of my own accord. I guess it was just easier to conceptualize without having yet been through treatment than it is to actual live and be in it in the moment right now. In short: I’ve brought this on myself – and (I think) I am okay with it.
I should confess: for as much thought and as many words I’ve just written to hopefully sharing my BFP with you and soon – I’ve spent equally as much time composing a BFN post in my head. I share that not to end on a downer, but to explain my rationale: it’s been helpful to write a BFN post in my head to stay grounded. Posts like these? And the way I want to write my BFP post? They keep me hopeful.
I struggle with coming off as naïve; that I’m too positive for my own good so that if this cycle does fail, it’ll hit me that much harder. I wonder if sometimes I come across as if I’m barely considering the possibility of a BFN or worse, a loss. Truth is, I do think about it – quite frequently, in fact. I just don’t necessarily write about it here.
Instead, I use this space to channel a positive perspective, to commit myself to positivity and self-empowerment, while composing BFN posts in my head such that if I do unfortunately need to commit THAT to paper – I’ll be ready.
Until that time, I need to walk and act and breathe and behave as if failure is not an option – at least, not in this moment.
. . .
I realize this post has gone off on a LOT of different tangents. I’d like to explore them more in some future posts. That said, I’m off to Montreal for a long weekend into mid-next week. I’m hoping I can schedule some posts while I’m gone, but we’ll see.
In the meanwhile, I’d love to hear your thoughts on any and all ramblings in this post. And don’t worry about offending – I’ve branded myself on candidness, so it’s certainly welcome in the comments.
I will be overjoyed for you. I am long past any BFPs having a sucker punch effect on me (except maybe seeing one from a fellow surrogate who has had 1 or more complete surrogate pregnancies in the time since I tried and failed to have a second journey). But I do remember how it felt to be genuinely happy for someone and still feel like crap for yourself.
Your words on this post remind me of two of my previous posts. Well, three previous posts. Somewhere around the start of my blog and the first surrogacy cycle that I documented there, I wrote a post called “How Do You Hold Your Hope?” A bit more than a year later, I revisited that post. It’s amazing what a year of failure can do to a how a person holds their hope: http://thesmartness.com/smartone/2009/04/how-do-you-hold-your-hope-revisited.html.
The other post that this reminds me of is called “Illogical Deduction:” http://thesmartness.com/smartone/2008/03/illogical-deduc.html. It’s about how cycling and seeing others’ BFPs can cause mind games with you, as if the more BFPs you see from others, that’s the less likely you might be to get yours. ILLOGICAL, and yet, the thought was there.
I know I’m all over the map with this comment, but you covered a lot of ground with your post. 😉
Having been around the cycling/IVF block a few times, in my opinion, you’re handling things well. Be hopeful, but stay grounded. Stay grounded, but don’t get mired in all the negative what ifs. Be a floaty, soaring, optimism-filled balloon, but keep your string tied to realism. That’s how I always tried to think of it.
Sending positive thoughts your way. Good luck!
Oh and if you haven’t read the book “What Alice Forgot” you should- it’s good. Heart wrenching at times but positive and good and so real about IVF and struggles – of course there are other storylines too.
Esperanza’s post really was something: especially the mention of “dark envy”: I remember feeling that way.
I was a Type-A control freak during my cycles. (“Shocking!” said, no one.) The good thing about treatments is there’s so much busywork, so many things to do. I worked on just completing those tasks to the best of my ability. I didn’t think much…except during the 2 ww when I dove into the most escapist drivel and crap I could: “The Hills” was my crack and Lauren was my BFF. “Jason is a DOUCHE!” I would yell at the TV. She didn’t listen.
ANYWAY. This?
“Until that time, I need to walk and act and breathe and behave as if failure is not an option – at least, not in this moment.”
Is a great approach.
I believe the positive thinking can bring you a long way. Good vibes, relaxation for your body, mind and spirit. Congratulations!
I totally support your being positive and expecting! I’m a big believer that attitude plays a huge role in what goes on in our lives!
in the spirit of positivity – Congratulations on your pregnancy!!! 😉
There was a lot of talk this weekend about your blog being your space, a space that you own and control, rather than a space that controls you. I like what you say here about making a choice to use it for hope. Maybe it doesn’t tell the whole story about what happens in your head ALL THE TIME. So be it. I believe in the power of written language, perhaps not to create positive outcomes, but at least to help us tend to our hearts. You are an inspiring woman, Keiko. And we missed you like mad in NYC.
I loved this post and I’ll be cheering you the whole way! =) I really believe in positive thinking and think it can only help to visualize the cycle going great. Let’s do this!
I’ve both watched people pass me while TTC, run laps around me, and I’ve also went to “the otherside,” after 4 years I managed to carry my son to term, and yes- I lost readers. I’m okay with that, I understand the pain and the inability to relate once a blogger has “moved on.” The journey isn’t the same, my reasons for blogging have changed too.
I will be overjoyed for you if this works. I understand, and applaud, your desire to stay positive and hopeful. That was something I was never able to do. As the years went by I lost more and more of myself; I lost hope. I don’t think your naive either, you are way more informed about the “what ifs” than I was when I jumped into all this. I think you’re in a great place, mentally and emotionally, and I truly hope you stay there. I hope that your cycle is fruitful.
Ive felt that odd juxtaposition, too, and while it is easy for me as an IVF vet with four cycles under my belt and no baby to show for it to shake my head at that “naïveté” you mention — well, I don’t think I can say in any fairness that you ARE naive. You’ve been around the block with so many of us, that I know you are well aware of the myriad ways this could go. I think Loris approach is what is best FOR ME, and what I will attempt when/if we cycle again. But what is best for me,or her, is ot necessarily what is best for you. Only you know what is best, and if you feel the need to approach this with positivity and gusto, then I admire that. Everything after my first loss has been so terrifying that I have never enjoyed a single “pregnant” moment since. I say embrace hope while you can, because you are never prepared for it not to work, o matter how much you downplay it in advance.
i appreciate your words and I am in the exact same boat. living in the hopeful and positive, while trying to be aware of the possibility of loss. it’s a fine line.
i try to remember that i will have plenty of time to mourn if my treatment fails- so why not embrace the joy of optimism while i can. ( of course, as you mentioned there are concerns with this approach too).
the other issue i have is that i have gotten pregnant 2x, but they ended early on. A BFP would be so wonderful, but i’ll have to continue to live in the flux of hopeful and realist.
the truth is, i am in horrible emotional pain. I am managing enough to function and keep telling myself that these times will somehow make me a better person, a stronger person, more aware of emotions, loss.
I hope we all become moms SOON and these times will be behind us, but the we will survive one way or another and likely have GROWN into a stronger person.
Urrrggg. So hard
No one really reads my blog, so I don’t worry about the public-ness of my journey, but I can relate to the attempt to balance being positive and hopeful with realistic and grounded. I feel like I am always preparing myself for the possibility that it won’t work, so that it isn’t as hard to accept down the road, but it almost starts to chip away at my ability to be hopeful. I want to embrace the idea that ‘failure is not an option,’ but it’s hard…especially being 38 and feeling like I’m running out of time. Reading your post is inspiring, though, and I’m starting to think I just need to keep telling myself that failure is not an option, instead of preparing myself for a negative outcome.
During the one and only assisted cycle we did, I thought of Shrodinger’s Cat (http://drama2bmama.blogspot.com/2009/09/schrodingers-box.html), both alive and dead at the same time, according to quantum physics, until someone observed it.
Which is kinda mind-blowing So I tried — really TRIED — to stay in the present and not make any projections into the future.
Not sure how to measure success in either endeavor. That cycle did not “work” but I eventually did become a mom.
I will be here with you on your journey. XOXO