I’ve Become Keiko Ka-boom.

I grew up watching The Animaniacs as a kid; Yakko, Wakko and Dot were staples of my childhood. After this week, I’ve been having all sorts of flashbacks to one of my favorite segments on The Animaniacs, Katie Ka-boom:

There’s a good reason for that. Ladies, I’ve been on Provera. I’m sure your familiar with the hormonal joys and sorrows of this delightful little drug? And, after a slight cycle mixup* at my clinic, I’m looking at another 5 days of this hormonal bliss. As a result, I’ve become my own Keiko Ka-boom in my house. (*more on that in a sec.)

I have turned into a raging, hormonal bitch of EPIC proportions. My husband, G-d love him, has been on the front lines, in the blast zone without a shield and the fact that we’re still married is a testament only to our cosmic connection as soulmates at this point.

Let me just walk through you some vignettes of our week so far:

Saturday, after spending an exhausting but fantastic but seriously exhausting vacation in Montreal the week prior, we sat on the couch watching TV all day. For lunch? We ate a box of chocolate chip cookies. It was glorious. (Getting baby-ready be damned – sometimes you just need to eat a box of cookies and watch TV all day with your husband.)

At about 4:30am Sunday morning, I wake up from THE second most terrible, realistic nightmare I’ve ever had. Basically, I dreamed that some mummy-thing with no eyes and a huge, creepy toothy grin was trying to suffocate me with its nasty, rotting hand. I woke up literally sobbing in terror.

I refused to go back to sleep or turn off any lights, so we decided to get up and go to the breakfast diner around the corner. We ate eggs, sausage and toast. I broke down and had not one, but two glasses of regular Coke (remember, I’m trying to wean off caffeine). Larry goes back to bed. I stay up for another few hours watching TV. He wakes up around 1pm, I go to sleep around 2pm, and the day is basically a wash.

Monday, I begin the Provera. Monday night, I dream that I’m teaching in a high school that’s infested with wasps. They keep landing on my clothes. I’m afraid to swat at them because I know they might sting or bite my hand. My students keep laughing at me. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep very well Monday night.

Tuesday, I’m battling nausea from the Estrace and Provera. I develop a nasty headache. I feel, generally, like poop. From the moment Larry comes home, I am a complete raging bitch. We fight. I nearly make a scene at Five Guys when we go to get dinner. We get home, I stomp upstairs and watch 2 hours of Korean drama on Hulu while he does whatever the hell he did for two hours. I fall asleep with my computer on my lap, and then wake up because of more nightmares.

Yesterday, I was still rockin’ the bitch when I woke up (remember, didn’t sleep well now going on Day 3) and Larry left for work in a huff. He gets home, starts to make dinner and while he’s mid-sentence talking about something work-related, I burst into tears apologizing for the previous day. Like, inconsolable sobbing for five minutes. Within another half hour, it’s like nothing ever happened. I’m cracking jokes and eating cookies for dinner.

At some point last night, we were having a discussion about financials related to our cycle (which are climbing higher and higher past what we had budgeted/prepared for) and mid-sentence, I burst into tears (again) and am inconsolable for about 20 minutes. Within the hour, we’re watching TV like nothing ever happened.

This – this is my life right now.

This morning, I started spotting. I wasn’t sure if it was from the Provera or the fact that we had great makeup sex last night, because hey – these things can happen. Regardless, I call my clinic and am like, “Um… what do I do? I still have a day of Provera and Estrace left.”

Turns out, my cycle plan got a little screwed up somewhere down the line.

CD1 was last month. I started taking Estrace on CD2. I was told to take the Estrace until it ran out, but on the last 5 days, to start taking Provera. All hunky dory, right? Wrong. My Rx only had enough Estrace for 24 days, instead of 30. So, when I had 5 days of Estrace left (as I had counted out), I started taking the Provera this past Monday, which means my last day of meds was going to be tomorrow, August 17th.

According to my cycle plan, I wasn’t supposed to start Provera until next week. Our donor’s cycle had been synced per this plan. And I didn’t realize the discrepancy until today, with one day of meds left. In a series of phone calls back and forth with the clinic today, I was panicking that I had completely fucked up our cycle, since our donor is already on her suppression protocol. There was a chance that I needed to do ANOTHER round of Estrace+Provera, which could potentially push us back another MONTH.

Thank G-d, Dr. Warmenfriendly to the rescue. He ordered another 5 days of Provera + Estrace. I’ll take it until next Wednesday, bleed and call in my CD1, then start the box o’meds coming to my house this Tuesday on CD2. In the interim, I need to keep an eye on the spotting and see if it turns into a full blown bleed or is just the bloody result of a bit of rumbly-tumbly with the mister.

So… five more days of this stuff. And I have even begun my PIO shots yet.

Cue: my husband’s nervous laughter.

“Her family knows that anytime soon,
our little lady Keiko
goes KA-BOOM!”