To be a boulder in the river: worn smooth by the current flowing around it – steady, unmoving, solid footing over the hurried stream. Someday – many, many years from now – the waters will etch away this boulder into a memory, the river rushing onward, carving its path across the landscape, uninterrupted and sure.
I hate weeding, but it’s one of those things you have to do.
In order to make room for new growth, in order for plants you have to flourish, you must weed. One of the things I’ve learned, as I’ve gone through plucking and cutting weeds from our yard this summer, is that weeds aren’t necessarily ugly. In fact, one of my favorite flowers last year was the gloriously aubergine morning glories creeping along our fence. But by the end of last summer, it had killed a full branch of our lilac tree and all but destroyed our peony bush. Beautiful as it may be, the morning glory (bindweed, I learned later) had to go.
When I started blogging over three years ago, I clung to the words of fellow bloggers experiencing infertility. Mel had introduced me to an already overwhelming collection of ALI bloggers. Since then, her blogroll has exploded. In my own Google Reader, I needed to weed.
It’s not that I didn’t think there wasn’t value to all these blogs, but my Reader had become overgrown – or, rather, I had been outgrown by so many blogs I followed.
Like the stone in the river, the current moved on around me.
. . .
As I clicked through each blog (and there are many), I saw that some blogs had stopped entirely, a few with some kind of closure – many with no sense of finality. Their last words hang there, in the stride of life but frozen, as though someone just plucked the blogger right from her keyboard and into… who knows where. And some blogs, with what faint traces they had left, had vanished simply into the internet ether: blogs deleted, disabled, removed – gone.
(I’ve moved several of these into a list I’ve dubbed “Blogger APB/Defunct” and I’ll actually post more about them Thursday.)
But the bulk of the blogs I encountered had gone on to parent. I was greeted with chubby little cheeks and smiling faces. Happy announcements of milestone moments and laments about the reality of new parenthood – sleepless nights, fussy babies, bottle vs. breast and so on. All of those things about which I long to write, to experience for myself.
And one by one, I carefully moved them from my “Infertility” list to my “Parenting” list, the former shrinking with each minute that passed. After an hour and a half of pruning, all but a handful of the bloggers I started following three years ago are either pregnant or have gone on to parent.
Know that I still care about those blogs, those bloggers and their journeys – but I just might not be checking in on them as much as I used to anymore.
My “Infertility” list might as well just be a dusty road of tumbleweeds right now.
. . .
There’s a quietness in the blogosphere right now. I’m certainly guilty of that myself.
A lot of folks are gearing up for BlogHer in a few weeks. Sadly, I am not one of them – I couldn’t get my shit together for a variety of reasons so now it looks like I’m missing out. Folks are on vacations, preoccupied with the splendor of the season. I get it. The summer has always brought a sense of barrenness even in the ALI blogosphere.
I’m not the only one who’s noticed how quiet the blogosphere in general, ALI or otherwise, this time of year. The SITS Girls even asked on Twitter today if folks slowed down their blogging in the summer; many replied that yes, they don’t blog as much. Probably in many of your own RSS Readers, you may have noticed fewer words during these long days.
And some would even argue that the blog as medium is dead.
. . .
I long for company in these quiet months. To read other ALI bloggers of those who are cycling now or soon will be. Who are dreading the needles, pouring over egg donor contracts and filled with anxious hope for their upcoming cycle to work.
It’s like when you get married, you kind of forget how to go on a date. How to work a crowd to land a phone number (and, if my being out of the dating pool for 15 years is any indication, I have no idea if this is what people do to actually land said date). I’ve been so married to the words of my own journey that I feel like I’ve forgotten what it was like to be newly diagnosed and wide-eyed – how to connect with other similar bloggers.
Part of it was that I curated this list of infertility blogs with a high standard – for whatever reason, those blogs clicked with me. Now, I feel like I’m starting all over from scratch, but I have less patience and more world-weariness to find just the right blogs for me to follow.
I never bothered with finding a cycle buddy because for three years – I never cycled.
And now my blogs have moved on without me, while I’m left waiting – a stone in the river of family building.
. . .
My toes sink into the sand with each step, as cold white sea foam coats the tops of my feet. I step carefully, the breakers smashing against my shins. The undertow is strong as my legs are nearly pulled out from under me as the current draws away from the shore. Tide’s coming in and I wade out carefully.
I stay in the water for hours in that sweet spot between the waves: I float, the water nearly up to my ears but my feet still able to touch sandy bottom. Finally, I see Larry waving for me. I’ve gone much farther out than I realized – my toes reach for bottom and barely scrape the sand. I turn around, fighting hard against the current, trudging back to shore as the breakers pull at my calves and ankles.
For the rest of our beach day, I merely stand hip deep just past the breakers, wading carefully now in the hungry ocean.
. . .
I am so close I can nearly taste it.
I’m so close to beginning treatment, to parenting – to resolving. It’s right there on the horizon. Like the ocean tide, I can feel myself being pulled toward resolution.
And at the same time, I feel like I’m wading/waiting with cautious hope in these uncertain waters.
Of knowing that when all goes well, one of you will move me from your “Infertility” list to your “Pregnant/Parenting” list in your Reader.
. . .
To be an infertility blogger is to join a transient community, a revolving door of heartache, resolution and moving on.
. . .
Some of us are the stones in the river.
Some of us are the water.
Some of us are wading, testing the waters of life paths for which we did not plan.
. . .
I’m looking for new blogs, especially of folks who are cycling now or planning to cycle in the next couple of months. Got one? Link up. I’m all ears right now.
I just found this post! Love it dearly! I am bookmarking it for sure! Adding you to my blog list. You’ve captured what I’ve noticed myself these last few months regarding the blogging world.
I delight in, lead to I found exactly what I used to be having a look for. You’ve ended my 4 day lengthy hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye
I’m current, undergoing our 2nd cycle of IVF. I have a history similar to yours with POF (sort of). Here is a link to my blog! IF can be a lonely journey, I’m very grateful for others’ blogs to share in the agony/ journey!
http://Luvnmysailor.blogspot.com
*~ Melanie
This post inspired me in a piece I just posted — had to mull it over for a while. http://sharah.wordpress.com/2012/07/25/780/
I really relate to this post as so many of the bloggers in my reading list are now parenting after infertility or in the last few weeks of pregnancy. The quiet I feel is my own isolation from what used to be so familiar. You write it very well here. I will spend this ICLW cultivating a reading list that better reflects where I am in my infertility treatment–waiting to cycle for IVF #2.
This is a brilliant description, me too am moving one blog after another into the pregnant and recently parenting folders. It’s powerful and lovely but I long to be there too. not just waiting. Just had a failed cycle and are planning on a frozen embryo transfer in a few months. I wish you the best of luck and will follow along.
I wonder if you have read this post: http://www.bloggersforhope.com/2012/07/pregnant-or-infertile-which-is-it.html
This post really resonated with me, K. I am in complete agreeance with you- I feel stuck in the infertility world. We’re not cycling, we’re on the adoption route- but I feel stuck in between. We only did three medicated cycles, so I don’t feel like the veteran many IFers are, we haven’t adopted yet so we don’t really fit into the adoption community- and we’re planning to adopt via independent domestic adoption, so we don’t fit in with the agency crowd nor the international adopters. It’s a weird place, to feel like we’re on the road to resolution but can’t quite make out the destination yet. Though I must admit, moving forward feels a lot better than sitting and waiting on the side of the road while so many others pass by.
I know I’m not truly an IF blogger, but you can feel free to always keep up with us at our blog: http://www.scaredtobehappyhappytobescared.wordpress.com
It’s good to see we’re not the only ones wading/waiting.
I’m nowhere near a cycle, but when I get there it will be with donor eggs. I look forward to reading along as you go through your journey, as I might be following in your footsteps in a couple of years!
I am doing my second FET at the end of September/first of October. I blog about my journey here: sullivan139.blogspot.com .
I love this post…the imagery of the water and the boulders….thinking about what resonates with me more right now – being the boulder, forever changed and still changing – or the water, moving forward and forging new paths.
I have been trying to schedule IVF since May, but I think we will probably start our first IVF cycle in September after trying to have a baby unsuccessfully for 4 years or so. I’m nervous and excited and would love to find other bloggers on a similar schedule. http://triedandtrying.wordpress.com.
Keiko, I too am cycling in September. I am doing a DE/DS cycle in the Czech Republic. After 4 OE ivfs, 1 frozen transfer, & 1 DE transfer in the CZ in 4/12 – I hope no genetic involvement is the magic thing that will work for me. I am tired. This trial (journey is too soft a word for what my husband and I have been through) has really been a long road. I hope we are nearing the end. I’m not sure how much more I can take. I know God only gives you what you can bear, but I sometimes feel a little ignored by the man upstairs. I wonder what lesson I am learning. Good luck to you and everyone else who is cycling soon. Sometimes the hope is all that keeps me moving that someday all will be right with my world.
-Lori
Beautiful post. Okay, I blog about a lot of things, many recipes and my muse from my first round of IF treatments. Though I did a week long series of posts on IF (I need to put them in a header) during IF week. Even got my husband (who’s a writer) to contribute his point of view. We are signing the paperwork for our first round of DE – should be ready to go sometime this fall. Not sure how long the DE process will take. Best of luck to you! I’ve lived on this quote from Conan O’Brien for a few years. It’s kept me sane while TTC.
“Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get.
But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.
I’m telling you, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you, it’s just true!”
Hi, Keiko (and fellow commenters) — I don’t have a public blog about my infertility, but I am planning to cycle in September or October. I’d love to support you in your journey (and all these other ladies, too!) as we wade through these waters. – S.
Good Morning Keiko!
We are almost done saving! Our plan is to be ready to start cycling in October. I still haven’t been able to decide on a clinic to pursue treatment at though. I am in the Los Angeles area, so if you hear of any good places I am open to suggestion. I really am trying to get in a good healthy eating/exercising routine starting NOW so that I give myself the best chance I can.
Hi Keiko!
I’ve just joined this wonderful world of blogging as my husband and I recently learned that IVF will be our only treatment option due to severe MFI. I’m in need of new friends and cycle buddies! I should begin cycling end of August-September if all goes well, and I’ll be talking about it at http://road2ourbaby.wordpress.com
Feel free to follow along. I love your posts and will be right here rooting for you 🙂
What a beautiful post. And I also love what Luna said.
I was sad to hear you wouldn’t be at BlogHer. But I do plan to track you down some how,someway, somewhere.
I know I’m not part of the tribe you’re looking for right now, but I do feel we are tribe-mates nonetheless.
I really enjoyed this post. I still feel like I am fairly new to the IF world and am very new to the IF blogging world. We TTC for 1 year and then through testing discovered MFI as the reason we were not able to conceive. We have gone through 3 IUI’s with Clomid (2 with trigger shot). I often think about all of the women whom I read about through blogging and everything awful they have endured and wonder how long I will endure the same pain. I wish us all a happy ending, but also fear being left behind as others move on. August 8th I will begin meds for our first IVF cycle. I would love to have you as a cycle buddy!
Keiko, this is such a beautiful post … and yet so poignant. For me, though, here’s where the analogy is less perfect: the water rushes ahead of the boulders, not really caring about them, shaping them perhaps, but headed towards its ultimate destination. Some of us, though we’ve moved “forward,” still circle back, still read bloggers who are cycling or adopting or who are somewhere else on the journey, not yet resolved. I know it’s not the same as having a partner, as having someone to go through this with. And we should expect that people prune our blogs sometimes. But my heart is with you. And I so hope that this is the year for something more than wading or treading water.
I’m really, really bummed that you’re not going to BlogHer. A reason for me to go to Boston. It’s really not that far away.
Keiko, I love reading your posts, you always manage to evoke discussion and debate. This particular peice was especially poetic. I will be entering my second IVF cycle, my first FET in the next month or so if you or anyone else wants to be cycle buddies. I hope to someday be a blogger who is talking about her child not just my hopes for one. My blog is http://nurseryrhymesandfaerietales.blogspot.com
I love this analogy. such a gorgeous post.
while I felt like the boulder for years, I always wished I was the water — flowing with the current, moving on, strong and free. now, so many years since beginning my journey to parenthood, I can see that I was the water all along. sometimes I meandered like a stream and seemed to go nowhere. often times I went the wrong way and hit a wall or dam. but really my river was just diverted — i.e., it didn’t look how I envisioned, it didn’t flow how I thought it would. but it twisted and turned and kept on going until it reached it’s destination.
for me, one of the most powerful places in the world is the spot where a river meets the ocean. so much life swirling in abundance, but only the most unique creatures can survive and thrive where salt water meets fresh.
wishing you all the best in this next phase of your journey. and life and love in abundance.
I’m about to blog about my second IVF cycle. i’ve been away from my computer so I didn’t blog for the last few weeks of decision making. http://justanotherivfstory.blogspot.com/ . It’s not particularly long, so I recommend starting from the beginning for my story.
((hugs)) my friend. I haven’t been blogging long, and have only a handful of IF blogs that I follow…yours is one. I appreciate your blog. And your honesty. (I only have a few post, but my blog is http://wantingjustone.blogspot.com/… )
The image from this blog really hit home for me. The one thing my IF therapist keeps telling me is to “be the water” because it always finds a way around things. I need to be the water in my quest to become a mother.
I’ve lost count of how many women on my blog list have moved on from when I started blogging 18 months ago. I’m happy for them. I’m so glad they’re no longer stuck in this hell. But I’m sad because I miss them and I no longer know what to say about their new lives as mothers. It feels like we don’t speak the same language anymore.
P.S. My blog can be found at http://aboutsproutblog.blogspot.com
I just realized that I never mentioned in my post that yes, I am happy for them. As happy as any infertile blogger can be when one of their one moves on.
There’s another water/river reference shared to me by some dear friends: the idea of rowing a boat upstream, fighting the current – and then just pulling oars in and letting the water take you where it needs to take you. It’s a hard choice to make, but the image is a comforting one in times when I need to remind myself to let go.
Thanks for sharing your blog link – I’ll be adding it to my Reader list today!
Love this analogy! My hubster and I are huge believers that everything happens for a reason. I feel like this puts the perfect image to that saying.
We have been TTC for 4.5 years and have decided to adopt instead of fertility treatments (which doesn’t make the infertility part any easier) but your blog has been something I’ve read and “leaned on” for a while as we’ve been trying to decide what our next steps would be toward parenting. My blog is eventually.blog.com and I just started it for the adoption… a fresh start of hope. Hope to see ya there 🙂
@MeganMartignago Thanks for sharing your blog link – just added it to my reader and left a comment for you 🙂
I totally get this, at first it was my real life friends moving on without me, then the women on my TTC board, then the women on my IF TTC board and now it is the IF bloggers I follow, some who I have only found recently who are overtaking me. I am happy for them all, but I do find I have to keep searching for those in a similar place to me.
I am about to ovulate on my first ever round of Clomid after we seem to have sorted out our MFI issues. I don’t know if there are other issues lurking and I am petrified of the next two and a half weeks.
@EmHart Sending you lots of ovulation love for your first round (and hopefully last) round of Clomid this week. And I totally sympathize re: real life, then online friends in terms of folks moving ahead.
P.S. my blog can be found at http://followeveryrainbow-emhart.blogspot.co.uk/ if you ever fancy stopping by
I don’t blog publicly.. But I do keep a private journal of my journey in kind of a blog style on my computer. Just know that there are definitely others out there still cycling.. still in the battle. After 5 years, We are going in for our fifth (and final) IUI next week and then moving on… Trying to figure out how on Earth to afford adoption. Best of luck <3
@Sabrina96535 Amen, about how on earth to afford adoption — that’s where we are. But if you’d every like to chat you can find me on my adoption blog eventually.blog.com. Good luck to you 🙂
@Sabrina96535 Wishing you much luck on your IUI next week! I have some adoption/financing resources if you need them, but let’s hope you don’t.
@KeikoZoll @Sabrina96535 If you get a chance to FWD those resources to me I’d thank you forever! 🙂 My email is muggles218@gmail.com. Thanks!
@MeganMartignago I will be more than happy to share the resources that I have so far. I live in Indiana though and many of the resources are local. However, there are some national resources I can send. I just found today a state agency that does sliding scale adoption fees based on income. I actually found it by looking on our local Planned Parenthood website and seeing the adoption resources that they had for birth mothers. I also suggest searching for adoption lawyers in your area! I’ll email you the rest of the info I have and hopefully it helps.
I would love some adoption resources as well @KeikoZoll and @Sabrina96535 (I live in IN too!)…I just tested positive for the breast cancer gene and my doctor recommended no further fertility treatments due to putting me at increased risk. I guess that ends one leg of a journey for us in a sense. We are in our 4th year of this. I know that I tend to turn away from blogs that I have difficulty relating to, since connection is what we tend to seek when keeping up with blogs. I don’t have one myself, but I have found so much comfort from reading of others in the same situations. Thanks to all those that share.
Beautiful description. After being in this world for 5 years now, it seems that many of the people I started with are going onto their 2nd and 3rd kids by now so I’ve had to do much of the same rearranging. Right now, we’re just waiting on a better job (and therefore extra money) so that we can do our first IUI. We may be here for quite some time to come.
@simplyrochelle Thank you for the kind words. I think once you start hitting the 3 year range of blogging in this world, you start getting lapped by former ALI bloggers. And I know it’s really hard for people in support groups to be the only one left. It’s rough stuff. Wishing you much luck on your journey.
I just got a negative from my cycle, and since we have frozen embryos I will be cycling again in a month or so. We can be cycle buddies if you want.
I saw that and meant to leave you a comment. (As I’m sure you know, I’m a terrible commenter, but I do read!) I’m so sorry this one didn’t work out. I’m very interested to see how your FET goes – since it’s essentially half the work of a regular IVF cycle, yanno?
I would be honored if you would have me as a cycle buddy!