On March 30, 2009, I started blogging at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed. I wrote under my Hebrew name then. My, how things have changed.
For a long time, the most I ever connected with folks online has been through my various internet pseudonyms: Miriam, MiriamsHope, OpheliasMusing and from WAY back in the days of AOL Instant Messenger, EverymansHero (I had a thing for Shakespeare – bonus points to anyone who can name from which Shakespearean play that last handle derives).
I hid behind these online identities because it was safer, or at least it felt safer, than parading around with my actual identity. All that changed for National Infertility Awareness Week back in 2010, when I made my What IF video. I talk a little more about this over at RESOLVE New England’s blog today, and more specifically, about why NIAW means so much to me.
That said, I understand the need for anonymity. I know that not everyone has the kind of support network that I do with friends and family. I know that blogging and speaking publicly about dealing with infertility has its own pitfalls. Could you imagine your coworkers finding out about your blog? What about your faith leaders? What would they say? How would they react?
I’m not sharing these questions to cast doubt on whether or not to blog anonymously or speak publicly about your infertility journey; rather, to provide context on a whole host of things to think about when considering that decision. It’s a deeply personal decision, one I wouldn’t pressure anyone to do.
That said, the infertility community as a whole does indeed benefit from more public voices sharing their stories and experiences. That’s why I pick up that baton here. I speak out for the people who can’t – at least right now. I hope to empower more folks to join me in publicly raising awareness for infertility.
Alright, enough soapboxing.
. . .
I bring up these concepts of anonymity and levels of internet disclosure because while I was at BlogHer Entrepreneurs last week, I got to meet four women IRL (in real life) who have interacted with my blog over the years. I’ve written before about how meeting and interacting with blog readers can be a surreal, but truly amazing and humbling experience.
When I sent out my eNewsletter before I left for Santa Clara (which, you have signed up for, right? All the cool kids are doing it ;)) I told folks that if they were local to the area to reach out to me to meet up. I really didn’t think I would get any takers. To my surprise, I got not one but two responses from readers.
I met up with L and T the night before the conference, at my hotel. Hm, that sounds awfully kinky. Rather, we met at one of the restaurants in my hotel. L was radiant, grinning from ear-to-ear to meet me in person. She even brought along her beautiful 4-month old daughter, sleeping peacefully in the stroller. I also appreciated that as we coordinated logistics, L asked if it was okay to bring her daughter along.
“I know that it can be hard if you’re still going through it,” she had said to me.
Even though I’m at a point emotionally where yeah, I’m cool with babies, I didn’t used to be, and I appreciated the thoughtfulness.
T joined us a little while later, and before we knew it, it had been three hours, just chatting away about all sorts of things, infertility and otherwise. The level of comfort and ease in our conversation (despite my wicked case of jetlag) was just wonderful. I learned so much about their unique journeys – L and her many exploits with alternative and complementary therapies, to her semi-known status with her egg donor. T shared what dealing with chronic illness was like while trying to start a military career, and how navigating infertility treatment with military health insurance (Tri-Care) is its own special nightmare.
The hours flew by, the conversation natural and flowing. I won’t lie: talking to people I’ve just met can be a huge struggle for me. I often hide behind written words because I think it’s easier than just talking to people sometimes. I know, I sound like a bit of an internet recluse, and I totally admit that I am some days.
I’m so grateful to have met L and T. I’m thinking of them both, so glad to have their emails so I can follow up with them both; especially T and her possible Easter weekend embryo transfer with her surrogate – fingers & toes crossed for you, T!
When I get to meet people who have read this blog and who have been touched by my words, it makes this more real. It makes everything I do here matter that much more because I know what I’m doing is working, is making a difference for others.
To make that connection beyond the monitor is both humbling and empowering: to know that your words have affected others so deeply while knowing that your words matter to others.
Meeting any one of you in real life keeps me going.
. . .
The morning I was to fly out back home, I grabbed brunch with Jessica from Too Many Fish to Fry and Esperanza of Stumbling Gracefully. I’ve been reading their blogs for just about as long as I’ve been blogging, I think, and we’ve traded comments between our three blogs, connected on Facebook and Twitter, and just generally gotten to know each other through the power of virtual media.
It was fucking AMAZING to meet them in person. Seriously, after spending a day and a half connecting and networking with empowered tech startup women leader superstars, capping off my trip with two empowered blogger/writer rockstars was like icing on the most delicious cake in the history of cakes. It was in short, #amazeballs.
I wrote earlier in this post about anonymity. Jessica is one of many brave individuals who like me, said, “Eff this, I’m going public.” Jessica came out of the infertility closet in a beautiful, inspired post this past September – you should go read it right now. Esperanza, on the other hand, still blogs anonymously. Does that make her any less brave?
Far from it.
Her eloquent, moving commentary on her life and marriage draw me in regardless of whether I know her real name or not. There’s power in her words, just as much as there is in Jessica’s words. And Esperanza has real-life privacy concerns that I totally get.
[Sidebar: I admit that even I’m wary of just how much I put myself out there knowing that it can never be deleted. The permanence and immortality of the internet should be a sobering reminder every time we log on. In the convenience and seamlessness of social network login integration, I think we forget that. I know I do. /sidebar]
Whether it was Jessica and Esperanza cheering me on to get the split for my morning Mimosa (“I mean, you’re getting on a plane right? Go for the split,” Esperanza eggs me on) to discussing my plans here at The Infertility Voice, to even hearing what life in the Santa Clara region is like (because boy howdy, California is vastly different from living in Massachusetts) – it was amazing how easily our conversation flowed from one topic to another, as if we had just picked up from our online conversation completely disregarding the fact that we had literally just met for the first time that morning.
I think it speaks to just how awesome, gracious, funny, intelligent and all around kickass these ladies are IRL. And I can’t speak highly enough of just how awesome their blogs are, either. They’re doing good work out there and if you’re not already reading them, you should. (Here’s those links again for you folks playing along at home: Stumblingly Gracefully and Too Many Fish to Fry.)
No trip with an IRL meeting is complete without photo evidence:
It was a pleasure ladies. Now we need to do this more often! And, I’m officially putting all the other bloggers I interact with frequently online on notice: let’s meet up! Y’all are such cool people and hey – I love cool people. Let’s do this 😉
Parting thoughts as I head into the weekend, for a weekend of Wrestlemania debauchery with old-college friends (yet another shocking truth about Keiko Zoll):
Have you considered blogging or sharing your infertility story publicly? Why or why not?
Have you even met another infertility blogger IRL? What was it like?
Share your stories in the comments and have a great weekend.
I for one, will be rooting for The Rock, because I just can’t bring myself to cheer for John Cena. I know, even though I can blog about my infertility til the cows come home, I’m still a mystery wrapped in an enigma.
😉
Happy Bloggerversary! I started about the same time as you. It goes by fast.
While we are blessed with one child, she is sadly our last because my husband is now infertile. I’ve never actually thought about blogging about it, but maybe I should. I get asked so many times whether we plan to have another and then it feels like a look of judgement when I say no. I don’t want to have to explain how we wanted more but can’t now, that we didn’t mean to have an only-child. I don’t think people think about the fact that it is not always a choice.
I started out much more cloaked than I am now. It is scary, for those of us who easily recall Life Before Internet, to think of the permanence of every word we now put out there.
Congrats on 3 years! Wish I could have joined you for Mimosas. And not for the Mimosas :-).
Jealous!! : )
I have met several online friends over the years (infertility & loss related & otherwise), but the first actual blogger that I met was Deathstar (A Woman My Age) last summer when she was in town. Awesome experience!
I suppose if someone was really, REALLY curious & persistent, they could eventually figure out my true identity — but I prefer to keep it under cover, if I can. I mean, people in our lives KNOW that we’ve struggled with infertility & loss — but they don’t really know all the gory details — and I’d like to keep it that way. It’s such a very personal thing, and I hate the idea that the people around me are feeling sorry for me at the best of times. I also like to be able to vent about some of them now & then too, lol. ; ) If they really want to know about what happened or want advice that they know I can give, they can ask me.
Yes, I am at least a teensy bit out about infertility on my blog, but nobody reads it and I’m anonymous blogging for professional reasons at least as much as infertility reasons. Well, maybe some people read it, but I am married to at least half of the two people who do. My goal is to focus my blog on the evolving mom/work balance that comes with being a pharmacist, and as a student how that is or isn’t going (and how the family building is/not going) so we’ll see how it all evolves. But look at me, here I am commenting using my anonymous me handle when I normally don’t, since I don’t want my blog and me attached if I can avoid it. My spouse is in education and it’s as much (in my mind) important for me to stay anonymous because they will google my spouse and it’s not my job to out my spouse (see that, there? non-gendered spouse even for good measure) and young people are such blabber-mouths as Esperanza rightly points out.
This is so interesting since right now I’m thinking a lot about sharing my blog or not with IRL friends and family. I’m still chewing on it. It’s tricky since I don’t want to feel like I need to self-censor myself. Trying to figure out who I want to invite and the real purpose of it. If I want people to know about our infertility I can but do they need to read every word of it? I’m obviously going back and forth about it. But am not as afraid today as a year ago that my blog will be found so I guess that’s progress.
And that’s a great photo of the three of you! Wish I could come and play as well 🙂 I have never met another blogger in real life but will meet a fellow infertile the coming weekend met through a forum. I’m really excited about that.
Keep doing the great work you do!
Happy blogoversary to a completely AWESOME woman and blogger! I haven’t met any bloggers IRL yet, but I can’t wait for BlogHer to do so. 😉
I am in a weird grey area with my blog, I guess. I don’t use my full name, but if you google me, you’ll come up with my blog, because my email address is public: I want readers to be able to reach me. My worry is really employers, and students. Not that I care so much that they know about my infertility journey … but that because I write about *everything*, it might not be good for my career (not that I have one at the moment, of course, so the point is sort of moot). I also can’t imagine a prospective employer reading my pretty graphic post about one of my miscarriages which I wrote for NIAW last year. Would they think that’s TMI for a student to read? Probably. Most people in my field don’t even think you should mix your personal and professional Facebook lives (I do, because I wanted my students to see me as human).
Sorry for babbling … still trying to work this out for myself, too.
I’m so glad that you got to meet up with some blogger girls on the trip! I’ve always been amazed at the connections that have come from blogging and sharing with like minded people.
That being said, I have outed myself and hubby as infertiles. I have shared parts of our story on facebook where family and friends can read. But I have never shared my blog. Some people would read into my blog the wrong way. My blog is infertility based, but I write about everything so feelings would be hurt in some way or another. I post by my given name, people can find me, if they know how but I don’t publish it on sites like facebook. But I did something today, I created a public blog just for the purpose of NIAW. Then I wrote. I wrote about NIAW, I wrote about us, and I’m creating a series of posts and sharing them on facebook with my parents, aunts, uncles and cousins, family and friends and the people I went to high school with. The first post was just answering common questions about infertility. The plan is to post one big information post once a week til NIAW and then post everyday during the week.
The response so far? Incredibly positive. Genuinely curious questions. Thank yous for speaking up. It’s giving me the courage to finish the stories now and schedule them to post when I want them to. I understand the fear that comes with outing yourself, but I weighed them myself and decided that we could do this and it was possible for us. And I understand why some people don’t. But I’ve made that decision that if they can’t come out themselves, I will fight publicly for them, because I know that they are still there supporting me. And just so you know, you are one of the people that gave me the courage to come out about our infertility. So thank you 🙂
Ugh I just tweeted you about this the other day. I am in a weird spot on this – I am out to 90% of my friends and my close family. I have told my boss and a few close co-workers (some of which are also in IF treatment). But, I am not out to EVERYONE at work and not out to all my randoms and acquaintances. There isn’t a real reason for it, just my own paranoia and awkward feelings about it. But, I truly want to be brave and just come out with it, once and for all. Coming out on FB would be a big step…
I live near several bloggers (you being one of them!) and would love a meetup in the Boston area.
It’s so interesting that you published this today. I’ve actually been thinking a lot about writing anonymously versus writing under my real name and I plan to publish a post on it early next week. The reason I’m thinking of it a lot is that I’m about to start a new space where I will be publishing under my own name. I will continue to blog in my current space anonymously and now, whenever I think of something to write about I ponder where it would fit best, on my anonymous blog or on the blog with my name out it. The truth is I’m a brutally honest person. I don’t mind people knowing pretty much anything about me. What makes it complicated is that I’m also a teacher. I’m a middle school teacher with technologically advanced students who can easily find information about me. And while I trust my adult friends and colleagues with even sensitive information about myself I don’t trust 7th or 8th graders with the same. Can you imagine if one of my students read my “Busted Vag” piece? “Hey Ms. G, I heard you have to massage the scar tissue on your vag, how’s that going?! Um yeah, no. Not okay. Also, my employers, and the parents of my students also have expectations of what I will keep private because being in my position is very sensitive. Take my last post, about using the word “pussy” pejoratively. While I would love for people I know to read that, is it appropriate for my students to find it? And even if I think it’s okay, would their parents, or my principal, agree? In this day and age, if you put it on the internet with your name on it and people can find it you can’t claim you didn’t want or expect your students to find it – it’s fair game. And many believe it’s the same as announcing it in your classroom. So I have to be careful. I google my name on a weekly basis to make sure my blog doesn’t show up. I just can’t risk my students accessing that information and using it in irresponsible ways.
Oh, and meeting you was totally amazeballs. Your energy, drive and focus are an incredible inspiration to me. There have been many times in the past week when I’ve felt overwhelmed by what I want to accomplish, and when that happens I just remind myself of how much you’re doing and how fearlessly you do it. Thanks very much for spending your morning with us.
“Hey Ms. G, I heard you have to massage the scar tissue on your vag, how’s that going?!” That would be awkward,
What Esperanza said about feeling inspired by your energy and drive and motivation and fearlessness: WORD.
I love that picture. And our meet-up was so empowering and yes, amazeballs. Love that picture and that Esperanza and I were wearing turtlenecks and sweaters and complaining about the cold, and you were in a short-sleeved shirt thinking the weather was mild 🙂
It’s interesting: I have been thinking lately that sometimes Esperanza and other bloggers can be much braver than me with their posts. Since my name is attached, sometimes I actually hold a lot back. I KNOW! My latest post is called “Sluts Vote” but I hold stuff back! Seriously, I totally do.
Happy 3 year anniversary! Your voice is so necessary and needed and I am so happy the ALI community has it.
Oooh, ohh, I know miss *has hand up in her most goodie goodie manner*. Its Much Ado About Nothing referring to Hero’s supposed infidelity *sits back in chair with smug grin*. I knew that Shakespeare MA would come in somewhere
I truly hope that one day I will feel brave enough to blog about infertility as the real me. It is a goal of mine.
Ding ding ding! You win the prize. The Yes You DO Know Your Shakespeare prize. I played Hero in my high school fall drama my senior year: “Even she; Leonato’s Hero, your Hero, every man’s Hero.” – for whatever reason, I found this line hysterical (even though in truth, it’s horrible as the other characters spread lies about Hero’s supposed infidelity to Leonato). And it became my AOL identity through most of college. Oh AOL Instant Messenger. Does anyone even still use you?? 😉
I once played Kate in the Shrew and Bianca has a line ‘I shall shift my bush’ which had us in convulsions every single night. Thank goodness it is near the end of the play.
I have been thinking about going public about my experience with infertility, because i was inspired by you – to give infertility a voice, a face and a whole body to look at. I found the experience so isolating. Then when i started speaking to a few people about it, i found out they too had infertility issues to contend with. (In fact one older woman said she has m/c 6 times). Yet no one would ever talk about it. I never went public with my blog, mostly because i also wanted a place to kvetch (and yes sometimes about RL people). I don’t know about starting a blog, but my “outing” will hopefully be an article in the local Jewish newspaper. I’m just not sure which angle, or where to start!
I owe you an email – I haven’t forgotten about you, promise! 🙂
thats ok. i know you be busy! 🙂