Whoa, folks. You all really let loose on my last post about parenting twins! As I mentioned in one of the replies to the 22+ comments I received, I don’t think I’ve ever learned so much about twins, parenting, desires of parenting, fears and hopes as I have in one set of comments before.
The comments (so far) have broken down into three camps: parents of twins, people who don’t want twins, and people who do want twins. And I had a few unique posts from people who are either twins themselves or have had lots of lifetime interactions with twins.
Each camp of comments seemed to have their own collective message within that camp.
Parents of twins seemed to unequivocally agree: they love their kids but boy howdy, they would not raise twins again if they had to. The general consensus here was that parenting twins is crazy, overwhelming, exhausting, but ultimately rewarding. Their kids are growing up with playmates and perhaps even at a developmental edge. These kids have someone who has their back like no other person on the planet. For all the exhaustion and expense, they’re grateful and blessed for having their twin children.
People who don’t want twins shared many of my concerns as well as identified additional concerns: strains on marriage, lifetime expenses, high-risk pregnancies and NICU stays, etc. We all shared the same general fear of such responsibility to two helpless poop/pee/eat blobs. I was particularly struck by commenters who shared about their fear of divided attentions between twin children.
People who do want twins seem to largely be motivated by an urgent desire to parent combined with advancing age. I got a sense of lot of these folks were very “if we’re going to do this, let’s DO THIS!” Many wanted siblings for their children, but since they were X years old and not getting any younger, the likelihood of conveniently spaced children was not necessarily in their favor, so twins afford a more realistic approach to their family building. I could also appreciate the sentiment shared by so many: “I don’t care how many I have, just let me be free of all these years of waiting.”
Before I go any further, I do want to fully acknowledge that I have no reason to worry about any of this at all, right now, because it’s simply a non-issue. I’m not pregnant. We’re not cycling any time soon. But damn you, Infertility with a Capital I, how you make a gal worry for no apparent reason regardless.
To be very honest, by putting this fear out there and getting feedback – both validation and contradiction – has made me worry less about having twins. I’ve realized there’s no point in getting worked up over what is – at this moment – a hypothetical.
So – thanks for calming me down, everyone 🙂
Yesterday’s post also brought up some pretty touchy stuff, like the fact that parents of twins are more likely to divorce. I’d like to think that Larry and I have been through a lot together in our 15 years together but let’s face it: after draining our savings to achieve pregnancy only then to turn around and try to raise two children at once, as new parents? I don’t have a crystal ball but I can assure you: there will be exhausted fights and resentment over sharing childcare loads. Oh, and you still have to raise your kids in the process.
I realize in my post I didn’t share Larry’s thoughts on the whole subject. We share the same view: if we had a choice, we’d rather parent a singleton to start. We stray on the path of whether or not we want one or two kids (I’ll have two please!) but we do of course share the opinion of being happy and grateful for what we can get. That said, higher order multiples such as triplets, quads, etc., though rare, open up an entirely different can of worms, one that commenters touched on yesterday as well:
Selective reduction.
Sometimes it’s almost absurd to think that after years of infertility a couple would actually choose to selectively reduce their potential offspring, but the fact of the matter is: to each their own. It’s a subject that Larry and I have discussed privately and is something we’ve agreed that I won’t discuss here when it comes to our personal decisions, should we have to make such a difficult decision in the future. I won’t lie: the idea of reduction doesn’t sit well with me, but neither does the idea of raising something akin to the Gosselin or Suleman clans.
It’s almost like selective reduction is infertility’s cruel Catch-22. It’s a shitty situation no matter how you slice it and it is totally not my place to judge.
So, after all this talk of twins, where do I stand now, 48 hours later?
If I was in the stirrups right now, waiting for the ultrasound tech to confirm – I’d be keeping my fingers crossed for just one baby. That’s just where I’m at right now. Maybe in 8 years if we still haven’t had children yet, I might be singing a very different tune.
So – where we are right now? Just one please.
Well, one to get us started 😉
But first things first: let’s find a way to finance our cycle, find an egg donor and get the ball rolling before we can even start worrying about double-decker strollers or matching onesies.
And it’s back to waiting and hopefully, at least with regards to the possibility of twins, a little less worrying.
I just wanted to clarify I would parent my twins all over again. Or wait, were you saying would we parent ANOTHER set of twins in addition to my existing twins? Because HELLZ to the NO! I actually know of someone (not well) who did that: she had twin boys, then two years later, another set of twin boys. Rumor has it her husband is a very rich man so at least there’s that.
I personally love the IDEA of twins, but my concern is for my relationship. Being ‘hit’ with twins after infertility will put a strain on any relationship. The better our marriage, the better stability for the child. 🙂
I am currently struggling with the dilemma of whether to transfer one or two donor embryos. I am also in a country that promotes single embryo transfer and only ever allows two to be transferred as a maximum, but will have to travel overseas for DE. I am tempted by the higher chance of success and desperate to get off the TTC treadmill. But I am also worried that if something goes wrong I will forever feel responsible.
I am most terrified of the worst case scenario outcomes associated with really premature birth, but it seems really hard to get a sense of how much of a risk that really is. Especially when you start trying to calculate – “If 2 embryos = 50% chance pregnancy; if pregnant, 30% chance of twins; if twins 60% chance of premature birth, if premature 50% chance of complications…. ” If those numbers were accurate the risk is less than 5% per transfer,
But then people talk about low birth weight or being a few weeks early as having all kinds of more subtle or longer term effects in terms of learning or of risks of later developing diabetes etc.
I really appreciate reading everyones thoughts, it is helping me work through a difficult decision!
When I was ttcing 9 years ago, I would have fallen in your “advancing-age-let’s-get-it-all-done-now” group. And my BIL and SIL had twins when she was 44. But the fact is, any multiples are higher risk than a singleton. Here in NZ, the government will fund two IVF cycles, but only if one embryo at a time is transferred. The reason being that IVF success rates are now so high, and that the extra costs of another IVF cycle are less than the ongoing costs of complications with twins, premature births etc. (My nieces were born at 30 weeks – fortunately all ok, but it might not have been).
It’s a very interesting dilemma, and personal to everyone who has to make the choice.
I’m with you. I teach and so I have seen many sets of twins come through my school. Although some twins (like DH’s brothers) have no developmental or learning delays, many do. That is something people don’t talk about too often. In addition, there is a set of twins at my school who are seriously, physically small, and it is becoming a major worry to their parents. I also think of 2 day cares, 2 college tuitions, etc. etc. I am only implanting 1 embryo with my IVF for this reason.
It’s interesting about the divorce statistic. In all the twin books that I read, which were numerous, partnerships were STRENGTHENED by the experience, not weakened. Fathers of twins are more than TWICE as likely to do childcare than father’s of singletons. I think if your marriage is on the edge, anything as difficult as twins…or infertility…is going to topple it. If you’ve already made it through the storm of infertility, though, twins are a piece of cake. The first year with my twins was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but my husband and I are like best buds that have become even closer under fire.
A lot of things that you, and other people, are afraid of is the unknown. I don’t want twins again, but it is for totally different reasons for the most part than the reasons you give. I know that most twins are born healthy and full term, in spite of what we are told by our REs, I know that it isn’t hard to give two babies enough attention…anything but!, and the added expense of two cribs and car seats is a pittance compared to ART. The things that scare me are the things that I know, like how two babies screaming at the same time literally drove me crazy because I couldn’t always help them both at the same time, or how I was hallucinating because I had so little sleep. But that was one year, and it passed, and now there are other challenges.
This really has been fascinating. And, I think I fall into all three of your categories above in one way or another. I’m excited about my twins, I know we’ll be overwhelmed, I’m terrified of pregnancy complications, NICU stays and prematurity, I’m afraid of not bonding with them individually, I’m excited for them to have a playmate, I was relieved to have two implant given age, IF and financial pressures of IVF, I worry about the impact on my marriage, etc., etc. My brain goes in all sorts of different directions when I think of the two of them getting here. But, at this point I want them to get here and be healthy. The image on the ultrasound screen of them kicking each other through the membrane just melted my heart. We’ll deal with the rest as it happens.
As the phlebotomist said to me last week “well, as a first time mom, you won’t know any better — if you’d already had a singleton, then you’d know how much easier it could be. This way, it just will be what it will be.”
Not sure if that was actually helpful, but, yes, it will be what it will be and we’ll make our way through it. Just like we made our way through IF.
I completely understand your position. From the start of my infertility journey, the thought of having twins scared the crap outta me. In the end, I didn’t have twins – I have triplets! It hard, it’s financially draining (I had to move in with family), but its the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I do admit to wondering what it would be like to have just one – but which one would it have been?
I really hope your able to do a donor cycle!
Just now reading the last post. FWIW, I was given a 50% chance of conceiving twins on a DE cycle at a major national clinic and my local (small but top-notch) clinic. As a single woman, I absolutely didn’t want twins. But as a long term fertility patient, I also didn’t want to contemplate my DE cycle not working. I transferred two. Two implanted, one miscarried, and I now have a singleton. I know I made the right choice…but I don’t know what I would have done if I actually continued on with a twin pregnancy…
I had an interesting comment from my (new) SIL, who has 18 year old twins, who raised them as a divorced Mom. She watched my three year old and 7 month old for a day. Both of my kids are fairly “easy” on the spectrum.
After a full day with both of them, she has come to the conclusion that, though the first year or two was craziness, she thinks raising her girls as twins was way easier than having two at such different ages/stages. Meeting the needs of two kids at the same stage, while tiring, was way easier than navigating the differences, which is still tiring. (All her words.)