I feel like I’m about to tell the teacher that the dog ate my homework.
I had really wanted to write a full review of Silent Sorority by Pamela Tsidginos today, but I’m unable to finish the book right now.
I’m about halfway through; it’s wonderfully written and brutally candid in describing the emotions of her journey. Emotionally, however, I’m just not in the right head space to continue reading it. This isn’t a preemptive bad review or anything – far from it in fact. I’m very drawn to Tsidignos’ writing style and narrative.
Emotionally, it’s just too hard to read right now knowing what the “end” of her journey is. Spoiler alert: her memoir recounts not only her long and difficult journey with infertility, but their decision to live childfree.
I’m totally aware that this is an even smaller, quieter voice in the ALI community and that it’s important to raise awareness about those folks who do choose to move on. That’s why I think it was amazing that RESOLVE recognized this population within the ALI community by selecting Silent Sorority for the Hope Award for Best Book last year. It was an honor to meet Pamela in person, too.
Her book is far from hopeless – it’s just her descriptions of failed treatments are so vivid and intense that I’m finding myself emotionally overwhelmed. I know that the rest of her book focuses on their decision to move beyond treatments and her journey to regain her confidence and sense of purpose. I know full well how the book ends.
It’s just plowing through the book to get there that I’m struggling with so much right now. Folks, I have to be totally candid here: I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I have forced myself to read books I can’t stand (I’m looking at you, The Great Gatsby and The Scarlet Letter and just about every other required reading book from high school) and produce reviews and term papers before. But this time, I just can’t do it right now.
As I tried to finish the book this morning, I had to put it down. It triggered a full-blown emotional panic attack. As much as I want to separate myself emotionally from the book to deliver you a full review – I just can’t. I think it’s because of the fact that we haven’t yet begun treatment that it’s too hard for me to read through a book that describes failure after failure, at least in this much intensity.
I think it’s the reason that I do know the ending that makes my reception to this different than say, Good Eggs. Even though Potts’ story was ultimately unresolved as Tsidignos’ is, there’s still that hope that Potts will parent. I know that Tsigdinos will not. And where we are right now, it’s a thought I just can’t entertain in my mind.
I have immense respect for the author’s journey, her blog, and what I’ve read of her book so far.
I just can’t finish her book right now. It’s just too painful for me to read.
That said, I both encourage and challenge others to pick up this book and finish it. If you have read Silent Sorority, please do share your thoughts of the book in the comments.
You can also check out my other infertility book reviews from the summer:
- Conquering Infertility, by Dr. Ali Domar
- Inconceivable, by Carolyn and Sean Savage
- Good Eggs, by Phoebe Potts
And with that, I need to go calm myself down and get out of this emotionally overwhelmed headspace right now. Maybe go make myself a cup of tea and watch mindless funny cat videos on YouTube or something. I promise to come back at some point with a full review of Silent Sorority. Right now I just need a little non-IF related self-care right now.
See y’all Monday at my brand-spankin’ new WordPress digs.
Dear Keiko, I’ve debated whether to respond to this post and, if so, what I should say, and I hope I have chosen the right words. I certainly don’t want to push you into doing something that gives you panic attacks! But I did want to make a few points about childfree living, and Pamela’s book.
I’ve travelled a similar path to Pamela’s, and I can appreciate that her book might be a difficult read at this point in your life. Those of us who have chosen to live childless/free after infertility &/or loss realize that, for most infertile women (or even fertile women, for that matter), our reality is your worst nightmare come true.
The infertility community is very focused on supporting people going through infertility treatment and to some extent, adoption and/or parenting afterwards. Part of what makes the childfree option such a difficult one to accept, I think, is that there’s so very little information & support out there for those of us who choose to stop before we achieve the goal of parenthood. Success rates being what they are, I think there are far more of us out here than our online presence would indicate. Pamela’s book brings this choice to life — why some of us make it, and what life is or can be like afterward.
Pamela & I and others have made this choice, moved on with our lives (to varying degrees…!), & are still here to tell the tale. While I know I will always feel a little sad that I don’t have a (living) child, I am living a pretty good life, when all is said & done. I like to hope that, though blogs & books like Pamela’s, we can show that it’s possible to make this decision & survive, and have a good life, even if it’s not the life most people are leading, or the life we had originally planned for ourselves. Maybe if more of us wrote or talked more openly about our experiences, it wouldn’t seem like quite such a scary or unacceptable thing.
I wish you success — I hope you never “need” to read Pamela’s book — but I hope you will anyway, regardless of how your own story unfolds. It’s a great book, & I think both infertile & fertile people have a lot to learn from it.
I read that book, a long time ago when I was trying. I appreciated that it was one of the few books that ended the way it did, with a childfree life. I needed to see what that looked like, how someone lived through that, how someone survived. At them time, after my ectopic and after months and months of trying I was starting to wonder if I’d ever be a mother. All the books and articles on IF and loss were about people who’d made it to the other side and were now parenting. All the miscarriage stories were about people who had gone on to have healthy babies. There was so little out there about the unfinished stories or the stories with the endings no one wants to hear. That is why I sought out Silent Sorority. I wanted to read about someone who didn’t have that happy ending, because I was starting to think that women might be me some day.
I don’t remember a lot about the book. I do remember it was excruciating to read. But I also remember being so grateful that it existed because at the time I needed to see what it looked like to not make it to the other side. I think I needed to know that if I didn’t become a mother I’d be able to keep on living.
Thank you so much for this comment and for sharing your experience with the book. Maybe I’m just not in the right place right now to read it – that if, G-d forbid, treatments don’t work and I do start to worry about whether or not we can go forward with further treatment or adoption, maybe then it’ll be the right time to turn back to this book. I remember from Pamela’s acceptance speech at Night of Hope last year, she mentioned she was so grateful an organization as big as RESOLVE could recognize a population that often doesn’t get a lot of recognition, b/c I think a lot of us in the trenches just don’t want to entertain the childfree possibility yet.
I really do want to finish the book – just not right now. Not ready too yet.
First of all, loving the new look blog! I like the way you did the words above and below the pink line. Very classy.
I also have no shame in putting down a book that that is too intense when I cannot handle it. I couldn’t finish “Childfree and loving it.” I just couldn’t. Sure, the human species is overpopulating the world, but my kid is going to make a difference. And I recycle. So there!
Thanks for the kind words about my new header 🙂 I’m glad to know I’m not the only person to put a book down. Normally I’ll fight my way through a book even if I don’t like it, but I’ve tried to pick it up twice since this post and have had to put it back down again. It’s a great read- it is – but it’s just too emotionally intense right now. Perhaps my wound is still not as healed as I thought.
I imagine it is a terribly hard book to read when you are still in the trenches. There was a time when I existed in two worlds in my head, one when I became a parent and one when I didn't, and I learned to love both lives, even though I was only going to live ONE of them. Even though I 'survived' infertility to become a parent, a peek into that alternate universe every once in a while just for the heck of it. And to be honest, I think my alternate universe twin is having a lot more fun most days.
I truly believe that to survive infertility with your heart and soul intact that you have to believe that your life RIGHT NOW is wonderful and worth living, and that your life after infertility will be wonderful and worth living too, because it's yours. (the during part,on the other hand, we all know how much that sucks).
Thank you for this reply – I’m so moved by what you said:
It’s so true. I think that’s why it was just too hard for me to entertain the notion of a future I have no control over – I need to focus on this moment. Thanks for commenting.
I can totally understand. I have this book too and have yet to read it. It's so hard for me to relate to anyone deciding to live child free…especially after finally being successful through IF. I applaud your efforts and wonder how you have time to do it all! HUGS!!