As I have mentioned on many occasion, I have a thing for Anthony Bourdain. Larry is fully aware that I would leave him for Anthony Bourdain, should the opportunity present itself. It’s strange: I’m not really an “older man” kind of gal, but there’s a hipness, a realness, a damn fine sexiness about the man.
I’m sorry, I need to mop up this puddle of drool down the front of my shirt.
Now that I’m commuting to work, I’ve got nearly two hours in my day of uninterrupted me time. Since checking my email or reading the internet while driving is generally frowned upon (in fact, now recently illegal in MA), I could get back into my habit of listening to NPR in the mornings. Instead, I’m taking the audiobook route. I just finished The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Medium Raw IS a great read/listen. This morning, I felt almost dirty listening to Tony describe his favorite bowl of Hanoi pho in his chapter about food porn, aptly titled “Lust.” And as I listened to the opening chapter [SPOILER ALERT] where he describes his practically godless experience consuming ortolan [/SPOILER ALERT]- I felt almost ashamed listening to it… and instantly jealous.
So, knock me over with a feather as I’m bawling last night after I finished chapter 13, “Dancing.” I was listening to it over dinner since Larry was at a lodge meeting. Bourdain devotes an entire chapter to his 2.5 year old daughter and why he wanted to be a father.
Fuck, I can’t even listen to an audiobook in an entirely non-infertility related category, read by one of my celebrity crushes no less, without being reminded of this profound lack in my life. Thank you infertility, for managing to crash yet another “I thought this was a safe area of my life” parties.
Not to spoil the whole chapter, but Bourdain speaks of how he practically worships his little girl: she’s his whole world, and rightfully so. From prying Play-Do from under his fingernails to dancing without a care, to ditching the leather motorcycle jacket for a pair of Dockers khakis – Bourdain leaves for his daughter a loving, razor-edged legacy of wit and wisdom, and ultimately, a love letter of empowerment.
He does spend a good bit of the chapter talking about his desire for fatherhood. After his 2006 ordeal in Beirut, where he and the crew of No Reservations was stranded due to nothing short of a war, Bourdain came back to the US and pretty much got off the plane, went home, and made a baby. Seriously. This isn’t so much paraphrasing as it is nearly verbatim from the book.
Lately, I have been way down on myself. There’s been some flutter of varying pregnancy-related announcements again in my life, so once again I feel like the last kid picked for the team. I’ve been wrestling with the idea of getting a second opinion, and worrying that depending on what Doc #2 could say, might change all of our plans. This past weekend I had to scurry home suddenly after a lunch date with a friend. After we parted, I continued to browse the little shops all over Salem’s downtown, when I was suddenly hit with an overwhelming sadness and ache.
I want a little kid to dress up for Halloween, too.
I nearly burst into tears in the middle of a confectioner shop. FFS, I was surrounded by chocolate and yet I nearly started to cry. To add insult to injury: the fastest way home is right past a boutique maternity wear shop.
As I walked briskly home, I watched that same movie reel play out in my head that I fear sadly, will never play on any major screens in my actual life: a passionate love scene, a nervous glance at a watch, coming out of the bathroom with a positive test, our faces glowing, eyes glistening, clever announcements to family and friends, three seasons of bliss and preparation, and the climax of the film: a slap, a baby crying, tears and laughter and gazing adoringly into the eyes of the future.
Roll credits.
When I saw Larry that afternoon, I told him how down I was. I told him, “I just want to make you a daddy.” He hugged me, I cried, and he assured me that we’ll get there.
So last night, when I thought I could get just an hour of non-infertility related headspace, I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I was eating dinner at the time and I actually lost my appetite.
It was the moment where foodie met iffy.
I fucking love food. Probably a little too much, as reflected in my BMI. Food is a highly sensual experience. Flavors may last only a few minutes on the palate, but forever in the dark recesses of our memory. Flavor, much like aroma, marry themselves to very acute, precise memories and when recalled, unleash such a hunger of both physical and mental proportion that the latter can nearly overwhelm the former. It’s a sort of culinary nostalgia: the memory of taste awakens the ache of something once delicious long ago.
Like tilting my nose toward a sizzling, aromatic entree as the waiter passes by my table, I feel that twist in my stomach: I want. It’s that ache, that hunger – that I understand, that can consume me.
I want a baby. Forget adoption for the moment, because hunger can make us irrational – I want a baby of my own. I want to experience motherhood, parenthood, of imprinting the clean slate that Bourdain speaks of when referencing his daughter. I want the intimate baby-making. I want the swollen belly like an ancient Goddess totem, to feel the surge of the Divine Feminine, to fill this most gaping absence in the story of Women’s Mystery and Creation.
Infertility is an ache that reaches far deeper into our bellies, unlike any other hunger we have known.
When Foodie met Iffy. Foodies savor abundance and hunger for more. And this iffy weeps for her empty plate and hungers for just the chance.
Just give me a taste of what this could be like.
I'm so sorry that your safe (and sexy — I love him too) space was rendered unsafe by the seemingly uncontainable creep of infertility. I actually remember reading that he had a baby at some point during our IF journey, and thinking (unkindly) that it was so unfair that the world-traveling, chain-smoking, generally a-hole-ish (but in a sexy way of course) Bourdain got to be a parent.
Wishing you some peace and a nice safe place this Sunday.
This was really profound and touching. I'm right there with you. I really hope that it's your turn soon.
ICLW 128
(Hugs) I Hope you get to experience all those things and more. Your description is perfect..I am a Foodie too.
It's awful when someone sneaks in something about kids (or in my case loss) and then blindsides you with it. Food should be a safe topic.
Thanks for a great post. (ICLW)
First visit to your blog. Great post! It is awful having those raw moments of desperately wanting to have a baby. I look forward to following along your journey!
Okay, I'm back! First, I'm glad to hear about this new Anthony Bourdain book, as I also have an annoyingly long car commute. And, yeah, food stuff is pretty dreamy. How's that for inarticulate? I love the title of your blog, now that I get it. When I first read it, probably on an ICLW list, I thought maybe Hannah and Sarah were your daughters, and so doubted that there would be much I'd identify with, being childless thus far myself. But now that I've been here and read about this Hannah and this Sarah…it's brilliant. And Jewy (like me)! I'm so sorry you were hit with the no one-to-dress-up truck in such a public place, and that AB (of all people) made you lose your appetite. 🙁 You write beautifully; I'm so glad I found you.
– lady pumpkin
ICLW #23
I feel your pain. I, too, have had a rash of pregnancy announcements from friends and near break downs in Target after seeing cute "My first Halloween" onesies.
I hate that your one love backfired into a hunger for a child.
Hang in there.
Hey Keiko – it makes me crazy that IF affects so many experiences that are supposed to be great in life and when/where you least expect it, childlessness hits you like a Mac truck. Hope you're pulling through ok 🙂 ICWL
Lovve Anthony Bourdain. I'm usually busy looking at him rather than the food on his plate.
I hope your hunger for motherhood is satisfied sooon.
I have been in a similar place, where it hurts to hear just one more pregnancy announcement.
I agree with those saying a second (or third) opinion is a good idea. Also, try a Chirpractor and get yourself tested for food allergies. I had massive placental issues cos of food allergies and hormone issues because my back was out.
Don't wait, test anything you can think of, cos now is when you need the answer.
My hopes are with you. The baby urge is so overwhelming.
Keiko! I just clicked over here after seeing the title of this post on someone else's blogroll and absolutely knowing that it was something I would enjoy reading…and then I watched your video, which was totally wonderful and made me cry…and now I have only just read the beginning of this post, because I'm a teacher with a long commute and need to get myself to bed. But I see you're on the ICLW list, as am I, and so I'll be back tomorrow, when I have a little more time to read. I just wanted to give you a big hug. See you soon.
I'm so grateful that you posted this. I'm in a similar situation, and I've been having a tough time dealing with things being on hold, and this sounds like exactly what I've been feeling.
I'm sorry you were caught unawares by this!
Hi. I'm visiting from ICWL. Wow. What a powerful piece. Truly. I hope you get that experience you long for…that iffy becomes just a memory that ended happily.
Oh Keiko, I am so, so sorry you are feeling so down. This is such a powerful, eloquent, and, yes, beautiful post.
Lovely, sad post. I definitely empathize, and you were eloquent in your description.
*hugs*
Wow. I'm damn near speechless. Your post hit such a nerve with me, I felt like I've just been punched in the gut and wrapped up in a big IF sisterhood hug all at the same time. You have so eloquently put into words the exact feelings I have been feeling for years.
Thank you.
And I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting another opinion…a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, whatever it takes to make you feel like you've done everything you can.
I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers!
I can relate to wishing that we could have something in our lives that doesn't relate to or remind us of infertility. Unfortunately, it always sneaks in, doesn't it? Keep enjoying your food and I'm hoping that your plate gets very full very soon. Thinking of you.
OH Keiko,
I had a very similar experience the other day. I am so sorry you are feeling the deep ache of loss. Infertility does leave a deep dark that I often fall into again and again where nothing seems right, and nothing is satisfying.
I send hugs
I have this happen all the time… Somehow everything comes back to be childless. All my friends have or are having children and even at work I am surrounded by pregnant women. In over 6 years there has never been a time when someone in our department was not pregnant. I always hope I will be the next one and yet am saddened because I know I won't be. I see friends pictures on facebook of their pregnant bellies and newborns and did you know there was a "Mommy week"?!? I watch TLC and Discovery Health on my down time which consists of nothing but hours of baby stories. Every movie, someone is a mother. Every book has a childhood story. It is unexcapable! It is torture at the hands of people who have no idea what they are doing. I want so badly to be happy for them, as I hope that one day they will be for me, and yet I find myself secretly jealous and hateful. I see shows on TV like "19 kids and counting" and I want to just punch that woman in the face! I never thought I would be this person! It's not who am… Or at least it's not who I was. I suppose this has changed me, it changes us all.
well put…thanks for sharing. I also have a thing for Bourdain!
Oh, Keiko. Near-weeping in a chocolate store … I'm sorry you didn't have a safe place to be.
I suspect that a taste will make you even hungrier. But I know that Larry's right; you *will* get there some day. Whether or not it will happen according to reason or hunger, that's harder to say … but your passion, your drive, is powerful … it comes out in your (really wonderful) writing, your speaking, your activism … so if you have anything to say about it, motherhood will be in your future.
A second opinion might not be a bad idea … I ended up getting three before I found someone I felt was really listening, and had some possible answers. Though I'm not sure that my thyroid doctor solved the infertility issues, I also can't be sure he *didn't*, at least this time around.
I hope that your "taste" comes sooner rather than later. *hugs* to you today …