I titled my post today thinking about LIFE, a game I didn’t actually start playing until I moved in with Larry 6 years ago; I never owned the game growing up, but Larry took his set when we moved in together. We’ve played it maybe a dozen or so times. It’s one of those game that I’m like, “Oooh, let’s play LIFE!” and then I forget how much of a pain it is to setup and kind of boring to play once you get into it. But I’ve been thinking a lot about it in the last 24 hours, and the fact that our favorite acronym, IF (infertility) is right smack dab in the middle of it.On our drive home from our awesome weekend in NH last night*, Larry asked me if he thought we should pay off our credit cards with the money we currently have in savings. (*General updates on life lately at the bottom of this post). If we did this, we’d have about $1500 left in savings. We’ve worked really hard to save what we have so far. I’m all for paying off credit cards (I managed to successfully pay off two very high interest cards with over $10K in debt with the help of a debt management plan 3 years ago), but I’m reluctant to let go of our nest egg so quickly. We rarely live on credit anymore, compared to six years ago when that’s just about all we had (and thus, what caused me to nearly drive us completely into credit card debt).
Our conversation shifted to the old debate again: do we buy a child or a house? Because let’s face it: adoption or DE/IVF, we’re still “buying” a child. It’s not a pretty thought, but it’s our reality. If we were to soften it, let’s say we’re buying “a shot at parenthood.” We then drifted our conversation into very uncharted waters: choosing to live childfree.
Advantages: not worrying so much about money (hopefully) in that our resources would not be spread across three family members; the ability to travel more; more freedom in general; buying lots of cool things because we are rather consumerist people by nature. Disadvantages: Oh… you know… that whole “not ever having kids” thing. We decided that ultimately, we feel like we’d regret not having kids together, but it was a worthwhile argument to float out there, see what that felt like for a few minutes. We gained a new found respect for some of our childfree family friends in the process, as we talked about their lives and what they’re able to do as a result of being childfree.
With my current job situation all topsy turvy (it’s so complicated it makes me a little nauseous thinking about it) and my desire to move out of higher ed, we’re faced with having to find our own place to live for the first time in three years. We’ve done the renting gig before, but our first apartment experience was a rare one: we rented a condo, paid no utilities, and our rent only went up $100 over the course of three years. Did I mention this place had a washer/dryer and dishwasher in unit, free parking for two cars, allowed us to have pets with no deposit, and air conditioning? Yeah, we live in a much different rental market. Boston/Metro ain’t cheap. This has been quite the wake-up call in recent weeks.
So now the question is, do we rent or buy? I don’t want to keep pissing away money by renting, especially when we’ve managed to save so much. But we’ve basically got enough money to afford either a 3% down-payment on a very modestly priced home, or all of the initial payments for adoption. The problem of buying a home in MA is that if we want to live anywhere nice, convenient, or T-accessible, there’s nothing under $500K. We’re in the $200-300K market, and $300K is pushing it. I don’t want to live in Lynn, South Boston, or Dorchester. If we buy a home, I don’t want to buy a “starter home” (that term drives me insane). I want this to be the place we put down roots, which for us, is a daunting prospect considering we’ve lived like gypsies the past 6 years.
It’s like the game of LIFE. Here’s this little formula you’re supposed to follow: education, career, marriage, house, kids, blah blah blah… And here’s your stack of starter play money. Sadly, we don’t have that starter stack of cash, and the stack that we do have we’re holding onto for dear life. Spinning our brightly colored decision wheel isn’t just a part of playing the game: it’s a real gamble for our future. It’s frustrating and disconcerting sometimes. My husband likes to remind me that this is all about opportunities but I suppose I can be a bit of a pessimist, and all I see is struggle.
I hate this feeling of inaction, of holding dice in my hand with a wide swath of possibility before me, unable to commit to anything right now, afraid to roll a wrong number and making the wrong decision.
The game of life is really the game of “if.”
(Photo by Meganne Soh via Flickr.)
General Updates:
Thanks for an awesome ICLW last week! Great to meet so many new people and add more blogs to my Reader. Sorry I’ve been MIA the last few days; Larry and I spent a weekend in Lake Winnipesaukee at a friend’s lake house. Limited internet access left me virtually off the grid all weekend. We had an amazing time and felt refreshed and relaxed. We did a ton of fishing (I caught 14 sunfish and Larry managed to snag a 2lb smallmouth bass!) and had a great time with four of our friends. I even managed to survive a weekend with a 6 month old and two dogs ^_^ Here are some of my favorite photos from the weekend:
Wow you have quite the full plate of quandaries ahead of you. I totally feel your pain, my husband and I have had several conversations about "buying a family" or living child-free. There is no easy answer…
With the risk of spewing out assvice, our financial advisor told us to never-ever use savings to pay off a credit card. Instead, once you have a significant amount in savings, stop putting money into it and start putting every extra penny towards your credit cards. She also recommended focusing larger payments on the card with the highest interest rate. But you probably already knew all that.
Anyway, thinking of you.
I really feel for you. It is utterly criminal that we couples who struggle with IF have to resort to "buying" our shot at parenthood when that opportunity comes so easily to so many other couples. (Sometimes too easily!)
Does your religious community have any adoption support services? Our son was adopted through a Family Services program run by our church – they provide individual & marriage counseling and adoption placement services. Our looooong awaited adoption cost less that $5,000 – there's no way we would have been able to afford it otherwise.
I totally understand the dilemma of whether to buy a home or a child. My husband and I bought a house shortly after being married, paid off all credit card debt before we got married, and still aren't sure about adoption or IVF. I must admit that even though it pains me to not have a child… and to be IF… I see the benefits of living childless because we have so much freedom and money otherwise…. I'm sure you and hubby will make the right decision either way.