It’s Patriot’s Day here in Massachusetts, quite possibly my favorite random statewide holiday (aka, freebie day off). Happy start of the American Revolution! It’s also the running of the Boston Marathon. I can totally see a relevant metaphor between marathons and adoption, but seeing as I know next to nothing about running culture, I’ll just let that metaphor pass me by…
Anywho, we’ve dived deep into adoption literature and websites, talking more with our families this weekend. Larry needed an eye checkup (his father is an eye doctor), so we spent the weekend with our families; I had the chance to do some serious baby shower shopping for my sister. Our parents are so excited for us. It’s wonderful to have their support, and I feel constantly blessed with the amount of support we have in our lives. And I wasn’t a blubbering mess picking out shower decorations- in fact, I am freakin’ PUMPED to be an aunt in just a couple of months. I think now that since we’re solid on our decision to adopt, so much of the uncertainty and doubt about having kids has been washed away. I’ve moved from pain to excitement.
You may have noticed the large new column of adoption-themed blogs to the left. Thanks to everyone and their suggestions in my last post: I found so many great resources and stories out there. With this influx of information, Larry and I are trying to stay afloat, treading uncertain and overwhelming waters. We have so many questions. Just when we think we have an answer… more questions! It’s a lot to digest at once. We’ve been doing so much of our own soul searching, asking questions of each other and having conversations we never thought we’d have.
Here’s just a small snippet of what’s running through our heads:
- Race. Wow, this has been an amazing, confusing, refreshing conversation at any given point. It gets interesting because I’m half-Japanese, half-Irish(ish), so I have perhaps a more open attitude toward race. At the end of the day, our preferences are our business, but it’s a mind-blowing conversation to be having just the same.
- Religion. Not knocking any Christian organizations out there, but there’s a TON of support for Christian couples… haven’t seen so much for Jewish couples. Obviously, we’d need to disclose our religion and in what faith our adopted child would be raised. I worry that this is actually going to limit the kind of reception we’ll get from birthparents.
- Cost. Sweet jiminy crickets. Since IF treatment is mandated in Massachusetts, the cost of treating our infertility was a lot more doable than the cost of coping with childlessness (an important distinction). Thankfully, Larry’s new job is allowing us to save for the first time in a year, but we still have a lot more to go. I’ve been researching grants, and sadly, neither of our employers provide any adoption assistance benefits. I’ve also been toying with the idea of setting up an Etsy shop for some of my crafts, and of course, monetizing this blog. Our parents have also volunteered to help… I wonder is it tacky to ask our friends and family fundraiser-style? Is a PayPal “Donate Here” button on this blog too far? This arena of etiquette is completely foreign to me.
- How open? “Open” adoption can mean a lot of things. Are we a “Come over for lunch on Tuesdays” kind of family or pictures every birthday or are we just “please let us know about any medical issues as they arise for you and your family” when it comes to openness? How open is too open? How will this limit our chances to be picked by birthparents?
- Blogging. Don’t worry, I’m not planning on closing this blog any time soon, but as I’ve browsed other adoption blogs, there are pictures of the adoptive couple, full names, contact information, detailed personal profiles with sidebar badges like “Considering adoption? Consider us!” I wonder if I’m ready to do that when the time comes, or perhaps I just create a separate blog entirely. Do I really want to share all of this with our future agency, birthparents, or even future child? I also wonder if a sidebar request like that isn’t also in violation of Massachusetts law (no private advertising may be done by the couple, as independent adoptions are illegal in the state).
- Stuff. Um, do adoptive parents get baby showers? Do we need to buy a crib before we have a home study? How does one- better yet, WHEN does one get the future child all the stuff they need?
- Cost. Did I mention we’re still scrambling to figure out how we’re going to afford this?
So I apparently missed a whole bunch of posts during my last few weeks of the semester (and somehow managed to miss hearing about it anywhere else). First of all: *SQUEEEEE!* I'm soooo glad you and Larry have settled on your family-building plan. Second, I'm with Nic (and Sonja) – the Paper Pregnant party AND a full on shower will be had! (Nic, be sure to call me when you start your planning!) Oh man, I am so giddy now that I'm up to speed with everything. Yay!
I was advised not to buy baby stuff until we were matched, so I didn't. And… we ended up only having 2 days to prepare to bring our daughter home (we got "the call" the day after she was born). We had less than 48 hours to get ourselves set up with the necessities, and it was totally fine. Crazy and intense, but fine! All you need, initially, are bottles, formula, a car seat, a few sleepers, and a place for the baby to sleep, which can be as simple as your bed if it's set up for co-sleeping, or even a cardboard box (the baby-care manual issued by our provincial government even says so!). You can get all that in an hour at Wal-Mart or Target if you need to. A baby carrier (I recommend a Moby or other stretchy wrap for the first 2-4 months, then a mei tai or Beco/Ergo/something similar, or else a woven wrap) is also totally invaluable, go to thebabywearer.com for details on that. Everything else you can gather as needed after babe arrives.
No harm in researching ahead of time what exact stuff you want to get (especially car seats–we had no clue and that was epic, we returned 3 before we found one that fit our needs), but I'm really thankful we didn't have a bunch of baby stuff sitting around and mocking us while we waited to be matched.
We had a shower a month after M. came home–in our area, birth mothers have 30 days to legally change their minds, so we waited until that time was up.
We adopted via an emergency placement from foster care 18 months ago. Our daughters were 11 months old and 2.5 years old at time of placement. Being their mom, watching them heal and grow and change in our home and family, has been the most magical thing I've ever encountered.
I watched your video and it made me angry because I hate how infertile women are expected to be angry about their infertility. I honestly don't care. So what, I can't get knocked up and fat and be miserable for ten months before shooting a kid out of my body that will, incidentally, never be the same again. Yeah. Sign me up. I know I'm not the norm and that women tend to have guilt and shame and a whole host of emotions towards not being able to get pregnant but I've just never really cared.
I have my kids. My magical, wonderful, amazing kids. And they have birth parents who did the stuff I didn't want to do. Yes we have our own set of challenges that come along with adoption but I am not defined as an adoptive mother any more than I am as an infertile woman. I'm Kait. I'm a wife. And a mom. I'm a student, a bookworm, a workout junkie, a chocolate and burgers addict. I am myself whether or not my reproductive organs work.
So I'm glad you're putting this out there, that women don't have to allow this to define them. Because it's bullshit and it's ridiculous that everyone expects me to be upset over pregnancy announcements. So what? You birthed yours, I bought mine. I get to be a mom and that was my goal all along.
I just found your blog today via the vimeo posting that A Little Pregnant did. Looong story between getting married in 1994 and the adoption of our daughter in 2007, but suffice to say I know where you are coming from. When we adopted from a private agency in the U.S., I literally knew no one who had done so in the past 20 years. I live in a rural area, there is no such agency for hundreds of miles. I researched agencies and did everything really online. We used one agency for homestudy only, and the actual adoption agency was out of state. Our daughter's birthparents live on the other side of the country, but chose us because we were one of the few non-Christian households the agency had on file. From the time of starting the physicals & applications to actually watching my daughter be born was 9 months. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions unlike I've ever seen or felt. You will survive it! Any questions you have I will be happy to answer. Now I send some funky chest tap & peace sign combo out your way, saying, I feel you sista.
ICLW – thanks for stopping by my blog – you might want to consider an adoption orientation day that an agency in your area holds – that will give you lots of information (if you haven't already done so. You don't necessarily want to go with them but it might prove informative. Also there may be non profit adoption organizations that could help with info as well.
Registering at Target a baby store or other equivalent place will help a great deal – but that may depend on how long you will wait for a baby – home studies and paperwork take weeks or months to complete.
Also if you are going to go online, it might be helpful to have an adoption lawyer or agency or third party handle all enquiries to make sure they are legitimate.
I know I often worried about not getting picked because I am a Buddhist and not Christian (and it did come up a few times) but I finally got matched with someone who knew all about my practice and was cool about it. So you never know.
Hi!
I just found your blog! I have been diagnosed with POF since I was 22 (I'm 28 now), and we just adopted our first child from Russia two months ago. I wish you many blessings on your journey! I will keep following!
As for showers…YES!! I just had my 4th and final shower for my little man…they are so much fun, and I was so excited that it was finally my turn to have the shower for me!
I'm from Canada, so our process is different…but know that you are definately NOT alone!
I love this idea of a paper shower. (and that means you get two parties!).
Really, you have to do what you feel is best for your life at the moment.
Adoptive parents TOTALLY get baby showers! My husbands sisters are throwing ours in a couple months! We registered, are getting a cake, sent invitations, the whole nine yards. There is no reason why you should have to miss out on that step just because you aren't going to be pregnant at the time. Plus, its an awesome way to get all the stuff they are going to be making sure you have during the homestudy process!
SJJellyBean
i was thinking the same thing the other day in regards to the "stuff" category. You know me, always ready for a party!
I think…well this is at least how it happened for a few ppl who i know adopted… is that you get a few small items you would need to keep a kid alive for the first 2 months. really, its not much. When you are pregnant you think you need all your chickens lined up before the baby comes, when really you don't.
Necessity items for the first two months:
a few burp cloths, cloth diapers work
diapers and wipes
a pack n play (ppl use them now instead of bassinets.
small travel swing
car seat and maybe a snap and go
a few clothing items, neutral since you wont know the sex.
a couple bottles (don't buy formula till the baby arrives or it goes bad).
really you don't need much else. And i am sure a shower will be put in place ASAP for when you get the baby! Also, this would give you the opportunity to register for baby items that you will need after the fact. Not many moms get to do that.
I would think the last thing you want is your apartment ready for baby waiting for baby.