I call it the “Tofu Baby Revelation.” As you may remember, I had a really bizarre dream last week about my sweet dream baby turning into a block of burning tofu on the stove. Freud, eat your heart out. While it’s not exactly Moses and the burning bush, after a few days of stewing it over I think I got it (with a little help from WiseGuy)…
Nursing the baby and having liquid gold instead of breastmilk represents a Golden Ideal, all I could have hoped for and more. The block of tofu could represent a lot of things. In Freemasonry (my husband’s a Mason) a carved block of stone represents moral perfection (as opposed to a rough, uncut rock). In Taoism, perhaps the tofu is representative of the Uncarved Block- the potential for creation, discovery, growth. I walked away with this interpretation: in my dream, the tofu was *still* my baby, but obviously in a very different form. The distress and grief upon realizing this transformation was not only warranted, but vital. Essentially, Larry and I will have our baby- just not in any way that we could have ever imagined, and mourning that change was necessary.
In the days following this dream, as I rolled around interpretations in my head, my decision just hit me- it was like I just knew this was the path we would take all along. I say my decision because Larry was on board for anything, and it’s been up to me for about the last 4 months.
Over the past week, I’ve been becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of how we plan to build our family. We’ve teased it out to our families and one friend: everyone is supportive and excited for us. And in reaching this decision, I feel like a HUGE weight has lifted off my shoulders. For once in this crazy journey, things feel like they’re in focus and with clarity comes relief and excitement.
Oh, but I am being coy, aren’t I? ^_^
So… we’ve decided we’re going to adopt!
*happy dance*
This is not at all how I would have imagined building a family. And I’m okay with that; this past year has been highly instrospective and I’m at a place of peace when it comes to grieving my infertility. From darkness, light: from despair- hope, commitment, action.
Like any family planning decision, especially one frought with the context of IF, there are a lot of reasons why we’ve chosen adoption. As much as I’d desperately like to experience pregnancy and childbirth, I’ve come to terms with this fact that I’ve got the deck stacked against me. While donor egg/IVF could potentially be successful, my Hashimoto’s puts me at greater risk for miscarriage. Larry raised an excellent point, even as far back as the RESOLVE Conference we went to in November: could I really survive the mental trauma of a loss after interfility treatments? Survive yes, but I could be irrevocably damaged in some way. I’m not saying this is the standard, I’m just saying in my experience with my own mental health, I don’t think I could cope well with a loss.
And honestly? After the hormonal roller coaster I have been on for the last year, and literally seeing a balanced thryoid issue just resting on the horizon- I just don’t know if I’m up for the hormonal challenge that is DE/IVF cycling. It scares me, it intimidates me, and I just don’t feel connected to the idea of it anymore. Adoption is by no means any easier- but there’s a whole medical element that is removed from the situation with which I am infinitely more comfortable. That being said, for those of you who are planning to or have cycled using ART: I am humbled by your courage and grace.
Adoption is for us, a guarantee. Yes, we’ll have to wait. Yes, we’ve heard some of the horror stories. But at the end of the day, we get to come home with a child. DE/IVF was just too much of a financial and emotional gamble for us. Larry and I are poker players. Since we haven’t put any money into the pot, we’re not pot committed, so it’s okay if we fold our hand on ART. Adoption has always been our ace in the hole. Adopting a child is also really attractive to us in that we get to help someone out. We get to add such a unique dynamic to our family story.
We still have TONS of details to figure out. Like, yanno… how the heck we actually do this! We also need to sort out a timeline and start looking into financial planning. I think we’ll probably start the ball rolling by next year, if not early 2011. Everytime I think about it, I get excited; I get this big grin to myself. Talking about it with Larry just gets me more excited.
I never once in my dreams imagined I’d adopt. And now the idea is the most exciting notion to me- I cannot wait for the adventure ahead of us.
I don’t think I read this post, or knew that you had decided on adoption at one point. I think this points out a question: is family-building ever really resolved for anyone in the ALI community? I feel like I know so many people in the infertility community who have changed their minds, either because of medical advice, happenstance, finances or other personal issues.
Here from the future via Time Warp Tuesday! It is so interesting and somewhat bittersweet for me to read this post, knowing that you and Larry have changed your minds about the path you want to take to try to build your family. This post is filled with so much optimisim and hope with the decision you had made and it is fun to relive that with you! However, I respect where you are now on your journey and look forward to abiding with and supporting you whenever Larry and you are ready to start trying to build your family after all you have been through.
Thank you for sharing this. My home Internet is being wonky, so I am typing this comment on my phone and hoping it makes sense and there aren’t too many typos.
Just came across your blog (and the fantastic video) – oh does it bring back the memories. Horrid memories, which thank goodness is all they are now. We also chose adoption, and even though we had it much easier than many, it was still not a pleasant path to tread. Thankfully, those memories are also fading, and what we are left with is two unbelievably fantastic kids, now 4 and 2. May your future path be smooth, and keep up the great awareness work. I suspect that someone with your courage and creativity will find a way to triumph regardless of obstacles.
Congratulations!
The picture will get bigger before it gets smaller–but it will get smaller . . you will find what is right for YOU.
i can't wait to be an aunt! so excited for the two of you.
i just found your blog tonight and i am so excited that i found you in the light of your new journey! i can't wait to keep reading along with you.
BEST of luck with your adoption…
xoxo
That is wonderful news! I am so happy for you, that you made the decision, and that now you can begin the next chapter of your journey on your chosen path. So exciting!!!
Would you look into adopting a Jewish child?
Lurker coming out to tell you that adoption has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. Check into Korean adoptions:)
Yay! I'm so excited for you and I truly hope that you have a relatively easy path to bringing home the baby you were meant to.
That's wonderful that you have chosen a path. Adoption is a wonderful option and if our DE cycle fails, then thats probably where we are headed. I look forward to following how the adoption story progresses.
I can't imagine exactly how it feels to have the weight of this decision lessened. Posting this today, at the Dark moon, I hope that you also have seen that this is the darkest it is going to be and that things will be lighter, brighter and ever more glorious from here on out. As always, my very best wishes for you and Ari!
Wow!!!! Exciting!! *happy dances too*
This is GREAT news… please keep us posted on the whole process… my hubbie and I would love to adopt once we can afford the financial cost and so any insite that you can provide would be great. I am under the impression that international adoption is more guaranteed than domestic adoptions but I'm not sure…glad that you have piece of mind and are on the path to parenthood for sure:)
That is such exciting news! Yay!!!