Two years and still head over heels

Yesterday Larry and I celebrated two years together. It’s kind of nuts, what we’ve been through in the first two years of marriage already, but we’ve come out stronger and closer. I’m still just as in love with him as the day I walked down the aisle. We went to a lovely French bistro for dinner, and he surprised me with my anniversary gift: an edited video of our wedding! We knew we had footage of our wedding, but it disappeared among family for almost a year and a half, and finally made our way back into our hands about 6 months ago. Larry recut the footage and we watched our whole ceremony (I never realized just how long our wedding ceremony was – almost 40 minutes!) and some speeches, the Hora, and some quintessentially NJ wedding dancing (Guns N Roses Livin’ on a Prayer, Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin, and DJ Kool’s Let Me Clear My Throat). It was the first time I’d really seen anything other than our pictures, and it was fun to relive those moments that feel so long ago, but in truth, were only two years ago.

Since it was the cotton anniversary, I made us t-shirts that say Team Z—, Est. 2008. On the back of Larry’s it says 01 in big athletic numbers. On mine, 02. And yes, I bought the very first item for the child I don’t have: a youth sized small t-shirt. The plan? When we get there, making another Team Z shirt with a big 03 on the back. And I bought it not b/c I’m pining for an impossibility, but b/c I’m excited for the future and feeling really hopeful.

A year ago, we had just gotten back from a whirlwind 5-day tour of California (San Fran to San Diego). I had baby fever like whoa, but right after the trip, it had calmed down somewhat. You can’t really fit a carseat into a 2-seater Corvette Converible and just hop on the Pacific Coast Highway on a whim. And then 2009 just went to shit.

2010 has already started on a much better note. We’re still going strong, we’re feeling more comfortable in our family building plans, and things on the Larry’s job front have really picked up. He’s got an interview next Friday, a company that reached out to him and asked him to apply, another company that’s willing to create a full-time position just for him, and then the latest… well, he may as well have gotten an offer letter last Thursday, quite spontaneously. He got a one line email from a former colleague: “How do you feel about Miami?” After a very positive conversation yesterday where numbers got thrown around that weren’t laughed at, things could get very interesting for us very quickly. I’m still on the fence about moving and starting over again, but if the money’s good… sometimes it’s worth it to sellout in the short term for long term investments.

Other good news? My lady bits are feeling like lady bits again. I’m in this constant state of feeling like I’m PMS-ing, so that’s a good thing, right? Who knows what’s going on down there, but for now, I’ll take it.

Only one small gripe, out of all this goodness lately… I got my first “so when are you having kids” comment, ever. My sister posted a lovely status wishing Larry and I a happy anniversary, and wishing us a year filled with good things. A commenter added “And another baby!” Commenter has no clue about our situation, as far as I know. It’s all good- a harmless, throwaway comment from someone I’ve talked to maybe twice in my life- but even after almost 11 months, it still lands weird. Had this comment been made 6 months ago, different story. I can look at this momentary gripe as a way of looking at how I’ve grown.

Does my diagnosis still hurt? Absolutely. Do I still wish I could have my own genetic children? Every day. But have I let my infertility consume me? Despite my IF coloring the way I look at the world, has it defined me, defeated me?

No, no it hasn’t.

It’s not so much that I’ve moved on or moved past this, rather, I’ve accepted it, accepted what I need to do to move forward from here, and accepted that I’m still an ok person, and that even though my life isn’t going according to plan (does it ever??) I’ll make it work.

And I’ll come out stronger in the end.

In other news, I will hopefully find out if I’m going to be the Auntie of a neice or nephew a week from today… exciting! Spud has not been cooperating very well during u/s – Spud’s a bit camera shy. My bets are on a girl. Everyone else seems to think it’ll be a boy. Hopefully we’ll know more in a week!