(Follow up to my most recent post.) Still no progress for Larry’s grandmother. She ate yesterday- something she’s barely done in 2 weeks- but no progress one way or another. She is still generally unresponsive.
Right now, Larry and I are operating in that mode where we’re just waiting for the phone call. It is a conflicted place to be in.
Hospice care is simply astonishing to me. I’m the kind of person who wants to make the world right, to get my hands dirty and wade out into deep waters to make change, to heal, to repair. The idea of hospice care is simply to let nature take its own course. Larry and I have read her living will, and this is in fact, her wishes. These were her wishes made several years ago, in fact, while she was still quite lucid and mobile. We may not intervene- all we can do, legally, is stand by.
For ENFP & INFP personalities such as Larry and me, respectively, this course of (in)action is contrary to our personal beliefs and values.
Yesterday I went shopping for a new dress for the inevitable. I felt so shameful doing it, but as Larry explained, when it comes to Jewish funerals, there just isn’t time to go out and get new clothes if you don’t have them for the funeral. The deceased must be buried as quickly as possible. I felt so awful, like I’m willing this kind of fate upon her and yet, it was a matter of practicality.
FFS, she’s not dead yet.
In the end, I didn’t buy anything. I have a dress, and Larry just did a ton of dry-cleaning so I have a cardigan to wear as well. If anything, I just need to pick up a pair of new shoes.
What it comes down to is that I’m not standing here, arms folded, tapping my toe in impatience. I’m here waiting, continuing with life as normally as possible. And I pray. I pray a lot. I don’t ask for G-d to be quick in His decision. I simply want her to be comfortable, to be happy, to be at peace.
B/c if there’s nothing else I can do, I can do this much.
The idea of hospice is to allow a person to die with dignity and to allow them to be in their own environment, if possible or surrounded by loving, caring folks if a terminal condition has been diagnosed and death is expected within the next 6 months. It may sound counter intuitive, but many of the things done to the terminally ill only prolong life in a painful way or are ultimately futile and do not contribute to a quality of life. I was a registered nurse for many years and CPR on an elderly person is often a futile, horrible way to die, with rib fractures and punctured lungs etc. Many therapies for still done for comfort measures such as oxygen to improve comfort while breathing, infections are treated as well as but multiple pills for such things as cholesterol and to prevent osteoporosis are discontinued to allow the patient to live a more normal life or if they have trouble swallowing. (Just a few examples, there are many more.)
Please ask to speak to the hospice social worker with your concerns, and see what exactly Ari's grandmother is getting in her treatment. The social worker is there for the patient and her family. I think that you will rest better after you are able to discuss the plan of care with them and to voice your concerns.
Take care, and best wishes.