Today I promise to stop peeing on sticks, b/c in this economy and in a single-income household, I simply cannot afford to buy anymore.
I’ve had persistent nausea and migraines for the last week. I thought *maybe* – maybe baby.
$13 later, maybe not.
When you haven’t had a period in 7.5 months (227 days to be exact, but who’s counting?) it kind of makes any odd early pg symptom jump out at you, even when you know you have a busted ovary.
Today at lunch, I P’d OAS. I didn’t even set a timer. 20 minutes later my husband reminded me- Hey, did I check it? Oh yeah, duh. The single line of doom. Toss it out like every other one. And every POAS I’ve ever done in my life- including the handful in college- has always been for the same reason: Oh crap. Am I? Did we?
Previous to my diagnosis, one line meant relief. Now, it’s an annoying reminder. A minus sign. Me minus a baby. Me, incomplete in some way. Two lines are an equal sign. Two lines equal completion.
Today, I promise to stop peeing on sticks until we’re actively trying, which at this point, is so up in the air right now it makes me want to scream. I need to stop overanalyzing myself and my body. I need to stop thinking that my POF will reverse itself, magically, on a whim. And every time it comes up negative, I just get into one helluva foul mood.
Today, I’m giving up believing in chances, in maybes, in what ifs. It’s not a matter of giving up hope; it’s a matter of fiscal responsibility. It’s a matter of survival.
With this, you’ve pulled out what I felt, exactly: “Two lines are an equal sign. Two lines equal completion.”
Interesting where you are now…
“Today, I’m giving up believing in chances, in maybes, in what ifs.”
I love that part of your post and it can still apply to you today, especially today as you await the news of your first DE/IVF cycle in present day (October 2012).
I am here from the future via Time Warp Tuesday and appreciate what you shared in this post about POAS.
I did a lot of POASing in my day when we were trying to conceive on our own and did end up ordering the bulk inexpensive ones online and even getting from the Dollar Store at times too. It was always super awkward to check out at the dollar store with a half dozen or so, so I really appreciate when I found out that they could be ordered like that online.
Okay, back to the future to read your current post again, as I skimmed it earlier on my phone and really enjoyed it, but wanted to return and really digest it before commenting. So glad you decided to do the Time Warp again with us this month! 🙂
Just FYI, when you do decide to POAS again, they can be obtained very inexpensively (and in bulk!) online from places like babyhopes.com. Same for ovulation predictors. And for ultracheap, instead of P'ing OAS, you can Dunk A P Strip In A Cup Of P, or DAPSIACOP as I guess I've never called it. -From one who has POAS'd and Dunked her fair share
I was never a huge fan of POAS; I even avoided it during our IVF cycle. It was far too much torment and anguish each time and I finally just quit, cold turkey. It's a tough habit to break, but one day, when you KNOW it will be the result that you want, do the POAS thing just because you get to see the double lines… seeing those erases all the grief. But for now, don't torture yourself with it. You're only human after all hon. *hugs*
You are totally not alone – a lot of us have done this. Despite the diagnosis, in the back of our minds there is always a little voice of "could it be? maybe?" It's the voice of hope. If Sarah got preggo at like, 99 was it? Then why can't we 🙂
That being said, I understand how the whole POAS can be a process steeped in aggravation and can add insult to injury.
One day, you will have your baby! You have to believe this, and if you can't sometimes, we will for you!
Also, I am not sure if this is of any help, but you are soooooo young. To be sure, when the urge to have a baby strikes, the pain is great no matter what the age. But — think about women in their 30's and 40's — you really are young and starting this process early. You are ahead of the game in the IF world.