A bit sluggish this morning… had a very cathartic conversation with Larry last night about how generally awful I feel on a daily basis. And not just emotionally awful- I’m able to pick myself up 99% of the time- I mean physically worn out. I have virtually zero stamina or energy lately. I’m concerned that the 88mcg of Levoxyl just aren’t cutting it. I’m just desperate to feel like my old self again- I don’t really dig this newer, moodier, constantly exhausted version of me.
Monday, I went to a Red Tent Temple that my friend organized. It was nice to connect with other women in all stages of their Goddess paths. It meets close to the new moon each month, and I felt so wonderful and invigorated and inspired. I’m hoping to keep up with this group as a way to a) meet new people and b) mark a sense of cyclical time. I’ve really missed my period – I can’t believe it’s the last week in July! I’ve had no way ot marking my monthly time anymore and it’s really thrown me off. The women were so open and supportive and bold and strong and vulnerable… it was a really wonderful night. I even had energy work done on me, which I haven’t had done in years and I felt amazing afterward. I also got to share my story of how I’m at where I’m at medically, and it was so cathartic and comforting. Sadly, I can’t make the next RTT, but I’m looking forward to September’s.
Last night I had my free consultation at an acupuncture clinic. No needles yet- just a medical history and TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) diagnosis via the tongue inspection. That’s right- she looked at my tongue and pointed out all these things that were big issues. The crack in the center of my tongue indicates a systemic imbalance. The little lumps along the back of my tongue correlate to PCOS. The scalloped edge (where my tongue basically presses into my teeth) indicate metabolic issues. The veins underneath my tongue were almost black they were so purple, which had to do with my migraines and blood stagnation in my neck and head. I forget what she said about the coating, but it indicated that my problems are rather severe.
They see a ton of infertilty patients, and a large number of folks with Hashimoto’s and/or POF. She’s recommended 4 initial sessions to get me started, as a way to see a) how fast I respond to treatment and b) if this clinic is a good fit for me. And while I have an insurance discount b/c of our particular carrier, it’s still not cheap. (Hello tax deduction.)
I am pretty nervous about the needles. Before I start cooking Chinese herbs at home and pulling out the big guns, I’ve got an email into my doc about combining Western and Chinese medical approaches to my problems. I know he’s receptive to it: at my first appt with him, he had a stack of “Infertility & Acupuncture” brochures on his desk. But apparently, if I get treated for my thyroid via acupuncture, I have to monitor my thyroid levels even more closely so that my dosage isn’t too high. Considering I feel like I’m not even taking a thyroid med right now, I don’t think that’s going to be an issue right away.
I’m just at a point, as I realized last night, that I’ve really felt betrayed by my doctors over the years. My current guy, Dr. G, is wonderful – no major qualms other than some bedside manner issues. But all the other doctors who barely treated my hypothyroidism, who allowed me to continue taking hormonal birth control despite my known migraine contraindication, who wrote off practically everything I’ve felt and experienced as stress or clinical depression – when, as I’ve been reading and researching on my own and becoming my own reproductive healthcare advocate, this is simply not the case. Those crazy 2 years of depression and anxiety that nearly kept me from graduating college? Those mind-numbing, personality-altering years of Lexapro and Wellbutrin? The 40 lbs in 4 years of college, thinking it was all just a part of eating poorly on the campus meal plan? That wasn’t stress. That wasn’t depression, in the classic sense – it was all mismanaged thyroid, and I probably could have met Hashi’s at the pass if I’d caught it early enough.
And the thing that’s really been bugging me is when, 2 years ago, I didn’t have a period for 7 months while I was on birth control, my PCP (aka, Dr. Skinny Bitch), basically told me a) I’m fat; b) I’m stressed; and c) my body needed more estrogen so here’s a higher dose of the pill which I shouldn’t have been on in the first place – if I’d stopped the pill and done some of tests I’d had in March, perhaps I could’ve been in the realm of POI rather than POF. And Dr. Skinny Bitch offered the same diagnosis, minus C, when my period didn’t come back when I finally stopped the pill.
Dear Dr. Skinny Bitch: NOW do you see that this isn’t fucking stress?? That my obesity is not the fucking cause, but a frustrating result?
…Why yes, that is a lot of pent up anger and resentment you’re reading.
So, it’s probably a very good thing I’m seeing a therapist who works with IF patients tomorrow night.
The meeting sounds wonderful hon. I'm glad you had the opportunity to go.
And like you, I've battled with doctors for years about the weight issues and all that. I KNEW something was wrong, but every time they bothered to check my thyroid, I got a "normal" result. Now we know differently and we must (unfortunately) become our own advocates. Hang in there. It CAN work for you too.
In the meantime, acupuncture won't hurt. There are studies that show that acupuncture can increase implantation rates for IVF patients. If I weren't terrified of needles, I'd have looked into it myself! Give it a shot. You never know…
I would love to go to a Red Tent meeting! I checked out the website you posted and hopefully you'll see me at a future meeting. 🙂 I'm so sorry that the doctors all treated you so badly and that no one got their act together for so long. It sucks, hardcore, and is just so unfair. I'm praying for you!!