And I’m not afraid to admit it.
I have a call in to a fertility counselor my doc recommended whom he knows personally. Dr. G has been great about my care thus far, so I trust his recommendations. I did therapy in college, so I’m well aware of its benefits and I’m way beyond any kind of mental health stigma. Hell, I’d rather talk to someone than have to ever take an antidepressant ever again. (Which, oddly enough, the personal hell that was labeled clinical depression and panic disorders in college might have actually been the result of my hypothyroidism being poorly monitored the whole time.) B/c Miriam + antidepressants =/= Miriam. I am really not the cool, awesome person I normally am with antidepressants. That (combined with a period of reduced finances) is why I quit them cold turkey almost 2 years ago. I know that’s a medical no-no, but probably one of the best decisions I’ve made for myself medically. I feel like a person again.
I’ve also got an email out for a free acupuncture consultation at one of the leading acupuncture clinics for IF in New England. I met the owner at an arts festival (of all places) this weekend. And she was cool enough to follow up with the email address I left her and send me a list of times she’s available to meet this week. While I am generally terrified of acupuncture, I’m willing to give anything a shot at this point. And there’s gotta be something to it otherwise ppl would have stopped doing it 3000 years ago. EDIT: Looks like I’m going to see her next Tuesday at 7pm. This should be interesting.
What brings me to my positively foul state of mind recently: disturbing realizations, guilt over good news, and doing some more research into hypothyroidism. I was particularly discouraged by reading more detailed info about thyroid hormones here online, and that the fact I am practically useless in the gym is a direct result of years of poorly managed thyroid disorder. I’m not feeling too great about myself right now- I’ve fallen off the WW wagon pretty hard (Larry has too), and I know that the old adage of “lose weight with diet and exercise” is next to fucking impossible when you’re as hypothyroidic as I am.
The guilt over good news, which I finally broke down and told Larry last night, was that secretly… I hoped his SA would be disastrous, so that all of the IF problems wouldn’t be just mine. So that fault doesn’t sit squarely on my shoulders. While he totally understands why I would think that and knows that I’m not deliberately harboring ill will toward him; it was a desperation thought process not to feel so goddamned isolated and alone in our marriage. I am still reeling from this whole thing, that I couldn’t just accept the good news and be happy.
And the disturbing realization: We have a good chunk of money in savings. A good net, if say, I got laid off (knock wood, b/c that’s the last fucking thing we need right now). But we only have just enough right now for either one IVF cycle, or one paltry down payment on a house. And the choice we need to face right now is… do we want a child? Or a home of our own? I am so bitter, angry- no, infuriated- and depressed by this.
This is just not how it was supposed to be, for fuck’s sake.
And I’m at a point in my own personal development that I can recognize when it’s time to call in the big guns and get some help. B/c I am way too angry and sad this far out from my original diagnosis.
Thanks for commenting 🙂 Much appreciated!
Seems to me they're all valid emotions that you're having. You're right, it's not supposed to be like this. And our problems are totally me, so I hear ya there to. I'm so very sorry you're going through this. IF sucks on so many levels. It just keeps finding new ways to bite you on the ass. You'll find your way through – hang in there…
Enjoy the acupuncture – thinking of you….
I know how difficult it all is for you right now…
Focus on YOU, on being OK with the diagnosis and with what lies ahead, I will say that for me that was then most important thing to do and it helped tons!
Once you feel you are getting back on track, you will see things differently. Money issues can be solved, it is amazing what can someone do when a desire is really powerfull. We are on the same boat, and before us a LOT of couples were able to get the money to cover fertility treatments.
I read this on Bella's blog and I remember it often:
"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will…"
(((HUGS))) to you!
I too wished that my DH had awful sperm results – and what did we get perfect swimmers – to the point that our RE pratically gave him a high 5 on his swimmers (big sigh – obviously i am the only infertile one).
i love acupuncture – so relaxing i always fall asleep.
I shamelessly attend professional help frequently! I don't blame you for being sad and angry.
I LOVE acupuncture! I hope your appointment goes well.