Of course, as soon as I posted yesterday’s entry, I go to a seder at a friend’s house with a 2 year old and a 5 month old present. Of course.
I say Sarah laughed, b/c it’s truly one of those “laugh at the universe” kind of moments.
I have always felt a little awkward around small children. Last night, I did my best to be social with the 2 year old (who, ate so much matzo I’m pretty sure that child will not poop for a week). And it didn’t feel awkward (except when we played “Hotter/Colder” while she went to go find the Afikomen and I used the term “lukewarm.” She just kind of blinked at me with a “WFT, I’m 2, I don’t know what that means” look on her face). In fact, I felt like, “yeah, I could totally do this.” Because as much as I want to be a mother, there are still those lingering doubts of “Can I actually do this? Will I eff this up?”
The real test was when I got to hold and play with the 5 month old. I made her smile and laugh and coo and giggle and it felt great! Holding a baby is totally like IF crack. I was nervous that I’d be anti-social and cranky, but I had a wonderful time, and realized that, at least right now, I can totally be fine being around young children and babies. Not so sure about pregnant women yet. But babies (right now) I can handle.
The best was seeing A’s face while I played with the baby. That “Man, when we finally get our chance, you are going to effin’ ROCK at this whole mom thing” look.
When we got home, I was sad. Definitely sad. I had my cry, I talked through it, and today, I’m not feeling so bad. One day at a time – this is how I roll. A was such an amazing support to me last night when we came home, and no matter how frustrating and scary and generally sucktastic this whole situation is, he just knows how to make me feel better.
He gives me hope.
