Fascinating post on BlogHer: The Perfect Storm of Holidays: Infertile at Pesach (found via Mel’s blog, Stirrup Queens*). Got me thinking about religion, faith, and the Jewish perspective.
Passover starts tonight at sundown.
Last night Larry and I had a really long, thoughtful discussion on faith and G-d. Initially, I didn’t want to celebrate Passover, which, for the most part to me, is attending one or two seders and keeping KFP for the week (kosher for Passover). But I’ve realized over the last week or so, that one of the things I love so much about Passover is that it brings together family and instead of turning away from the ritual aspects of the holiday, I can instead try and find meaning.
Mel’s post talks about how Pesach is so enveloped in the idea of children, but I disagree that it is solely about children. For me, it’s about more than just children – Passover all about family. Since I wasn’t born Jewish but rather converted (2 years ago on April 20th), we only usually have one family seder with Larry’s parents. And literally, 9 times out of 10 (b/c I think I’ve been to at least 10 seders at his parents’ house), there are usually no children. The only time I can think of is literally once, and she was maybe 9 years old and unrelated to the family anyway.
Add to the fact that I’m open about the infertility issue with both of our families and I’d like to think I’ve dodged the “So, when are you having kids?” bullet.
Passover tells the story of the Exodus: the Jews are freed from Mitzraim (Egypt), wander around lost for a little bit (read: 40 years) and find G-d (that whole Mt. Sinai thing). What a great parable for anyone coping with infertility, even the non-religious. Look at the metaphor of “Exodus > 40 years in the desert > Mt. Sinai” as “Diagnosis > Coping > Coming Out a Stronger Person” somehow. To simplify it is not to invalidate the gravity of IF or the profundity of Exodus, but rather to draw a parallel meaning. Thus, re-contextualizing the way I look at the practice of ritual right now allows me to find that meaning, that guidance that I still feel a bit raw over in approaching G-d directly.
Perhaps this Passover marks my Exodus out of a question of faith and toward my Mt. Sinai of accepting G-d, and thus, this situation (interesting sidenote here: As all the Jews at Mt. Sinai chose to accept the Ten Commandments; the Torah was given, but it was up to the free will of each person to accept the Torah).
I’m not dreading Passover anymore. I was this past weekend, but really, I have no reason to. I’ll be surrounded by family that loves and cares for us, and thankfully, I shouldn’t be around too many wee ones. And if I am, I’ll manage. I’m really looking forward to spending the time with family. I think Larry and I could really use it, especially since this will be the first time we’re seeing our families since my diagnosis.
This post has gone on long enough, but I have a whole other post to do about the Infertile Matriarchs. That’s for another day.
*PS… Stirrup Queens is one hell of a resource when it comes to finding other blogs out there about infertility. If you haven’t checked her out, and are looking for other women, couples, and *gasp!* the elusive male point-of-view, I suggest checking it out.
