I’m really not looking forward to tomorrow at 3pm. In fact, I am going batshit insane over tomorrow.
There’s just something about hearing your diagnosis in person that fills me with dread. And while I know that this followup could cover anything, I’m pretty sure POF will be the solid diagnosis. I need to really mentally prepare myself for tomorrow, and I haven’t at all. I’ve been lil Miss Escapism for the last two weeks (friends of ours lent us their DVDs of Battlestar Galactica, and we’ve starting averaging about 3 episodes a night… we’re almost halfway through the series).
I’ve done a lot of work researching, preparing, telling myself I’m beautiful, I’m just as much of a woman, a wife, and someday a mother- that this isn’t some kind of punishment from God, or that I did something or didn’t do something to cause this. I’ve had a non-stop inner monologue for over a month. I feel like a lot of it is slowly eroding away in anxious anticipation of tomorrow. A can tell you- I do a great job of psyching myself out for things. The takeaway lesson: I need to do a better job of managing my stress.
After reposting my NIAW info on my FB page, I’ve had 3 people I’ve known “come out” to me about their struggles with infertility. Just based on how different all three people are, it’s humbling to see that IF can really strike anyone. I’m so sad that this is something I share in common with them, but I’m strengthened by having this new support network of people I know who can really relate to this.
Tonight: more escapism. A and I have 2 tickets to a local production of The Pillowman (a very dark, inventive play). Tomorrow I have an open house to work, then lunch, then this appt.
28.5 hours.
