I realize my posting has been sporadic at best around here. A variety of things have come up – various writing projects, some job leads, random travel. But mostly?
Mostly I’ve been living under the weight of near crippling depression. Writing has always been in my coping toolbox for times like these, but this time – I felt strangely compelled to remain silent here on the blog. For the first time in a lifetime of dealing with depression, I felt shame.
Like I’d somehow be letting everyone down by admitting to it here.
Like I’d invalidate my credibility to lead a Fertile Living eClass.
Like somehow I was some kind of phony.
But the fact is, depression happens.
. . .
I’m happy to report that it’s largely been driven by (yet another) major swing in my thyroid hormones. A few months ago, my TSH was up in the rafters at just over 5. Now, it’s in the basement at 0.12, which is extremely too low. I’ve gone from hypo- to hyperthyroid in a matter of weeks due to a dosage adjustment that appeared to be a bit too much at once.
What happens then is I see an uptick in anxiety, insomnia* and as a result: depression.
(*Weirdly, it’s not that I can’t fall asleep. I wake up at 3 and 4 in the morning, unable to fall back to sleep for hours. My dreams, on the other hand, have been some of the most vivid I’ve had in my entire life.)
When my doctor got my my thyroid panel results back in, I felt relieved. I feel like this particular episode came out of nowhere and indeed it has, just simply the result of an easily tweaked dosage change.
To give you some idea of how my thyroid can perhaps throw my mood out of whack, here’s what my TSH has looked like for the past 3 years:
With peaks and valleys like these, it’s no wonder I might not exactly feel like I’m bringing my A game to any given situation.
. . .
I’m not living / I’m just killing time.
-Radiohead, “True Love Waits”
The first time I heard this lyric, I realized it sums up exactly how depression feels. In my marriage, I know it’s an incredible burden on Larry. For him, it’s hard to wrap his brain around the way I act (or rather, don’t act at all) when my depression gets really bad simply because he’s been fortunate enough never to have experienced depression for himself.
This lyric is the only way I’ve even been able to really communicate what depression feels like to anyone who’s never experienced it first hand.
Larry has been so incredibly supportive during this particular episode.
“I finally understand that it’s not you,” he told me last week, and I had hit probably one of my lowest points I’ve ever experienced in my life. “It’s your depression. And you have no control over it.”
. . .
I am hesitant to take medication, for a variety of reasons that borders on the political. One of the biggest reasons I’m hesitant to start any kind of anti-depressant is because of yanno, that whole IVF thing in a few months.
But I’m open to counseling and therapy and found a fantastic therapist in my own town who not only specializes in women’s issues and infertility, but uses therapeutic writing as part of her therapy practice. Sadly, I may not be able to see her for some time; I’m in the running for a 6-week full-time contract position with a startup. In the interim, she’s left me a book I need to check out: Composing a Life, by Mary Bateson.
This is what Amazon has to say about the book:
A “deeply satisfying treatise on the improvisational lives of five extraordinary women. Using their personal stories as her framework, Dr. Bateson delves into the creative potential of the complex lives we live today, where ambitions are constantly refocused on new goals and possibilities. With balanced sympathy and a candid approach to what makes these women inspiring, examples of the newly fluid movement of adaptation–their relationships with spouses, children, and friends, their ever-evolving work, and their gender–Bateson shows us that life itself is a creative process.”
Considering I feel like I’ve been living the life of some Bohemian gypsy for the past 5 years while currently trapped in this episode of depressive stagnancy, I have a feeling I need to read this book and soon.
. . .
It’s hard for me to blog about depression without it feeling like this is some desperate plea for comments and sympathy. It’s not that at all. I just needed to name my depression, own it, get it out there, and now come up with a plan for either moving beyond it or living with it more productively.
(Feel free to replace “depression” with “infertility” or your chronic illness of choice.)
I’m hoping my thyroid medication adjustment will start to perk me up in the coming weeks. I hope that this contract writing gig pans out. I hope our cycle continues to move ahead as swimmingly as it has. We meet with our social worker for our mental health evaluation tomorrow. Should be interesting, given everything I’ve mentioned in this post.
. . .
I have gotten through this before.
I will get through this again.
Rachel says
I am curious. How long does it take for the medicine to make you feel better? I am new to all of this and Wednesday I am getting the results of my first thyroid test but I am willing to bet that is the problem. Reading all these blogs is like reading my life. Now I am starting to wonder how long it takes to start feeling better after you get a diagnosis and start taking thyroid medication.
Keiko Zoll says
Hi Rachel,
Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through thyroid issues… they BLOW. If you haven’t found dearthyroid.org or thyroid.about.com, I can’t recommend them enough. They are really both fantastic resources for thyroid disease. I can only speak about my personal experience, but it typically takes anywhere from 3-6 weeks for me to notice a difference in dosage adjustments; it’s been so long since I started taking thyroid meds (I’ve been taking them for 10+ years at this point) so I don’t remember how long they took to actually “kick” in for the first time.
Good luck with your treatment and I hope you get symptomatic relief soon!
~Keiko
cgraefey says
Echoing everything everyone else said about this post, plus LOVE that chart graphic: your ability to laugh and poke fun in the face of struggle will be what continues to pull you through them time and again.
summerdownes says
I am mostly a lurker on your blog and I don’t think I have ever commented but this post really got to me. I have struggled with depression and I know I will always be prone to it. When I’m not depressed I don’t feel much shame in having it but when I am depressed? It’s a different story.
Do your read The Bloggess? There is a whole host of reasons why I read her blog. She is wicked funny for one but for another, she likes to remind people that depression lies. It helps me to hear it from other people, especially those who go through it as well. So, I wanted to write and say to you, depression lies. You are a stronger, better person than the person depression tells you you are.
KeikoZoll says
@summerdownes I’m glad you’ve come out to delurk. Welcome! We don’t bite around here. Much. Okay nibbles, but whatever, we get hungry.
Anyway… 😉 I’m glad you could relate to this post and thanks for the tip re: Bloggress. I’ve heard of her but am not a regular reader. I’ll have to check her out. And thank you so much for the kind words – they are needed and much appreciated.
jlevine says
(Reposted, because the last comment seems to have gotten half-deleted:) I made cookies for you at my blog. 🙂 But seriously … I still think you’re full of awesomesauce, even more so because you’re not just coaching others about living a Fertile Life from a place of judgement; you’re experiencing that journey yourself. Thank you for being willing to share this here, for being brave enough to talk about it.
Congrats on making it to “in the running” stage for the startup contract. And that book sounds great. I wonder … BlogHer reading selection? 🙂
KeikoZoll says
@jlevine <3 <3 <3
Kymberli says
We must be half-sharing a brain, because today I posted about depression, too. This is new territory for me, though, and it does feel strange to have those feel of those letters under my fingers. I think you for being ballsome enough to talk about it so candidly. And no – it doesn’t invalidate you. If anything, it will make your coaching even more valid, because you are woman enough to practice what you preach. xoxo
KeikoZoll says
@Kymberli Your post was friggin’ fantastic, Kym. How are you holding up, esp. after Nancy’s passing?
Dawn says
Keiko, thanks so much for your bravery of writing these words. You are not alone. You are not a phony. You are infinitely qualified to lead the Fertile Living Class. As you said, you’ve dealt with it before and you are doing it again. Hugs!
KeikoZoll says
Thank you so much for the sweet words, Dawn – very much appreciated right now 🙂
audreybmosley says
“I finally understand that it’s not you,” he told me last week, and I had hit probably one of my lowest points I’ve ever experienced in my life. “It’s your depression. And you have no control over it.”These are words that will never come out of my husband’s mouth– he thinks depression is a choice, no matter how many medical studies and doctor blogs I have him read on the subject. But I think he’s pretty normal– I think that most of society believes that depression is a choice… that is, until it happens to them.
Hang in there, Keiko. I’m right there in the trenches with you, sister.
KeikoZoll says
@audreybmosley It is SO hard for people who have never experience depression to understand how it completely undermines your ability to function on a daily basis. People who don’t get it just think you’re being lazy, like you have some kind of choice in this matter at all. You’re totally right – ppl just don’t get it until they go through it themselves. Thank you for the kind words – how are you holding up?
jlevine says
I made cookies for you at my blog. 🙂 But seriously … I still think you’re full of awesomesauce. Congrats on making it to “in the running” stage for the startup contract. And that book sounds great. I wonder … BlogHer reading selection? 🙂
MrsTiye says
KEIKO! Stop living my life! OMG.
My blog hasn’t been updated in I don’t know how long.
Thyroid jumping around like crazy.
Feeling crazy.
It passes.
Hugs and love to you until yours subsides.
KeikoZoll says
@MrsTiye How’s your thyroid doing? Mine’s slowly getting back on track – bloodwork in a couple of weeks. Been missing you at your blog but I see you Facebooking like a champ. How are you??