Let’s Talk About Sex – and Infertility

It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow and I wanted to write about somethin’ sexy to celebrate. And what’s sexier than sex?

Sex is so complicated. I could write dozens upon dozens of posts about sex (and, maybe I will in the future). Sex is one of those things that factors into the most basic of baby-making formulas:

Sex = Fireworks! = Baby

If only it were that simple, right?

Putting the “Fun” in Dysfunctional!

Sometimes sex does not equal baby. Enter: me… and 7.3 million other people with infertility. For us, it’s injections + timed intercourse + donor gametes + adoption homestudies = X, where X may or may not be a baby.

Sex is that most basic of human reproductive functions that when we don’t achieve the desired procreative outcome, it can feel like a disappointment or even failure. And feelings of disappointment and failure do not carry over well into the bedroom (or the kitchen, or the living room, or that hotel room in Atlantic City…)

It’s hard to feel joyful, sensuous, passionate or carnal when you’re worried about whether or not you’re ovulating, if your cervical mucus is actually like egg whites and whether or not your husband has enough sperm built up from his last emission and you hope to G-d he didn’t spank it this morning because hey – we need maximum sperm count here. Not to mention that repeated timed intercourse, particularly the every-other-day method, can leave both partners sore, both physically and emotionally.

It’s also hard knowing that sex can also be strictly off-limits while in the middle of treatment.

Larry joked some time ago about how we could just, yanno, do it the night of embryo transfer and call it a wash: maybe we made a baby through ART, maybe we made one the old-fashioned way. I hated to burst his bubble to inform him that no, sex was on the list of verboten things when a gal’s on post-transfer bed rest.

“Lame,” he said.

I nodded. “I know, right?”

I won’t tell you what sex should be, rather what sex can be: fun, spontaneous, messy, slow, quick, tender, rough, stress-relieving, invigorating, passionate, sensual, risky, joyous, sweaty, exhausting, loud, muffled, pleasurable… the list goes on and on.

And when we’re in TTC-mode, it’s amazing how, when it comes to sex, we can at once be both emotionally wrapped up and emotionally detached from it. We’re emotional because so much is riding on that one chance encounter between blessed sperm and egg. We become detached because this is the third time this week we’ve had sex and you’re 75% sure you’re ovulating.

All this assumes of course that you even have a libido in the first place. Some drugs can even zap your sex drive. And sometimes, even your own emotions can get in the way of your desire: when each cycle of timed intercourse ends without success, it can be a real mood killer.

Not Tonight, Honey – I Have a Heartache

I went through a particularly painful dry spell last summer. Not physically painful, but emotionally painful. Larry and I have what I like to think is a healthy sex life. We’re not doing it like rabbits, but we don’t go for months at a time without some fun, sexy romps.

(And I’m not saying our sexual relationship is any “better” than anyone else’s – our frequency works for us. Your mileage may vary.)

Not so last summer. I got so wrapped up in sex feeling like such a disappointment. Not on account of physical performance, rather, in knowing we could never have an oops baby – a baby the old-fashioned way – no matter how hard we tried.

And that hurt. I didn’t feel sexy or beautiful or arousing. I felt like a dried up old lady prune vag, with dust for ovaries. There was never a doubt that I wasn’t attracted to my husband, even aroused by him – but I squashed all those physical urges because emotionally, I was a wreck.

I didn’t even want him to touch me for a while because I feared engaging in sex only to be so emotionally crushed afterward.

This was probably one of the roughest terrains we’d faced in our marriage, especially when sex is usually a frequent and very fun thing for us. It took a little while for me to learn to leave all that mental baggage at the bedroom door. That it was okay just to relish in the moment, without worrying about whether or not we make a baby – and to just get completely lost in each other and the moment.

Bringin’ Sexy Back: 3 Ways to Make Sex Sexy Again!

Sex is like ice cream: lots of different flavors and everyone likes to customize their sundae a little differently. Some of us are strictly vanilla. Some of us will eat any flavor with chocolate. And some of us approach sex like a trip to Coldstone Creamery: throw in all the topics and mix it up! Whatever your flavor of choice, here are three tried-and-true tips to make sex sexy again.

1. Take your time. I’m not saying you need to block off an entire day of marathon sex (but hey, if you’re in shape and you’ve got a whole day to yourselves, I say go for it). Taking your time has nothing to do with the actual amount of time you spend enjoying each other. Taking your time means paying attention to all the little things – what makes you or your partner shiver and go, “I love it when you do that.” Taking your time means setting aside that time – however long or short it may be – where it’s just you and your partner and you’re focused solely on enjoying each other. Make this time sacred to just the two of you to engage in complete body worship.
2. Practice mindfulness and get lost in the moment. The art of mindfulness is a a great tool to make you just take a step back from everything and begin to experience the world around you fully. Think of mindfulness as your mind’s way of becoming acutely aware of every sensation and associated emotion. In this way, practicing mindfulness during sex opens you up to some completely awesome/overwhelming/satisfying experiences. It’s more than just letting go – it’s shutting off the brain chatter and focusing on how everything feels in the moment. The touch of lips to skin, the sounds of breathing, the aroma of desire: let your mind be engulfed in the sensations and in doing so, just get lost in it and each other.
3. Laugh and smile. I have been known to crack a joke or two whilst engaged in relations. I can’t help it – if I’m really enjoying myself, my enjoyment gets expressed in a variety of ways: laughter, smiling, giggling, or bein’ a wise ass and cracking a lame joke or two. Here’s a cool magic trick to try. Having a craptastic day? Next time you go out somewhere – to grab lunch, to buy gas, to pick up groceries – make eye contact with the cashier and smile, even if it’s just a quick one. It’s human nature to smile right back. And every time you smile, you release all kinds of feel good endorphines. So when you smile, you feel good. When you make someone else smile, they feel good. And it just feels good to make other people feel good, right? Now imagine how much that can zing up an otherwise routine romp in the bedroom?

No matter what your plans for Valentine’s Day, sexy or otherwise, I’m wishing you all the love, closeness and connection in the world for you and your partner tomorrow!