My Infertility Playlist

Sometimes, when I think about infertility, I think Amy Winehouse said it best:

Okay, to be fair: she was talking about a crazy volatile relationship in her song, Me & Mr. Jones. But truly, what is infertility if not a crazy volatile relationship with one’s own body?

Amirite or amirite?

. . .

It’s been a hard couple of months for me recently when it comes to my ability to cope. I take every day one day at a time. Some days are awesome. Some days I come home from a gathering of friends sobbing because I was the only one without kids. The life of the infertile woman is hardly even-keeled, but I do what I can to manage. Keeping a positive attitude, committing to living a fertile life this year – these have both been incredibly invaluable in my coping skills toolkit.

And sometimes? Well, sometimes I just need to cry it out.

I like to wallow around in that sad muck and mire for a little while, cry it out, and move on. A lot of times this will all take place in the quiet safety of my car. I simply fire up the BlueTooth and put on my “Sad” playlist, and in between the hum of my tires on the road and the strains of music playing through my speakers, I cry my way home.

Yes, that is as absolutely lame and depressing as that sounds. I freely admit to my sullen Commutes of Self-Pity but I have to say: I feel remarkably better by the time I pull up into the driveway.

My infertility playlist is peppered with songs that are guaranteed to make me cry. That’s the whole point of that playlist. While I won’t share the whole thing here, there are a couple of songs I wanted to share, in case you wanted to build your own little cathartic Pandora station.

I should also explain that I pretty much envision the world as one long film. Every time I hear a song, I’m playing it like a short film in my head. I’ve done this since I was a very young child; it’s just the way I conceptualize the world, apparently. It probably plays a role in my filmic way of dreaming.

So, every time I hear one of these songs on my playlist, there’s a little film reel that’s whirring up to life in my Mind’s Eye Projector. A lot of times they’re little mini-films of my life, and, in particular, the way the song relates to how I feel about infertility.

So here are a couple of songs that I’ve got in my Infertility Playlist rotation at the moment. (Click on the song title to listen to & watch it over at YouTube.)

Willie Nelson | The Scientist (Cover)
Lyric that gets me every time:

Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I first heard this song waiting for movie previews to begin, when Chipotle decides to back their amazing long-form commercial with Willie Nelson covering this Coldplay tune. Did I cry watching a two and a half minute stop-motion short film about Chipotle’s pig farms? You bet your sweet bippy I did. But now I just think of it in terms of just how much infertility sucks sometimes and wishing I could just do it all over again, sans infertility.

Arcade Fire | My Body is a Cage
Lyric that gets me every time:

I’m standing on the stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It’s a hollow play
But they’ll clap anyway

Hipster commentary on Arcade Fire aside, I became fascinated with this song when I first saw the Benjamin Button trailer. There’s just something so primal in this song as it relates to the way I struggle with my body’s ability to comply to my desires.

Radiohead | Videotape
Lyric that gets me every time: (Okay, the two lyrics)

You are my center when I spin away
Out of control on videotape

No matter what happens now
I shouldn’t be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I’ve ever seen.

This is probably one of the most beautiful songs by Radiohead, up there with Reckoner and True Love Waits (both instant tearjerkers for me). It’s incredibly dark and morbid: Thom Yorke essentially talks about leaving his final words on videotape for his loved ones to see after he’s gone. It’s splendidly haunting and from a musical perspective, the piano line just spirals and spirals away into oblivion. As terrifying as the thought can be sometimes, infertility forces us to confront our own mortality in very disturbing ways that many of us just aren’t yet ready for, myself included.

Coldplay | Fix You
Lyric that gets me every time:

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace

I couldn’t end this list on such a downer and it would appear I have a thing for Coldplay. This is, weirdly enough, my Infertility Victory song. When we finally achieve our dream, I hear this song playing in the background of my amazing short video that chronicles our whole journey from beginning to end. As much of a tear-jerker as this song can be, I find it incredibly hopeful.

I should note: my infertility playlist is over 2 hours long – lots of evocative soundtrack and instrumental pieces too.

I know I can’t be the only one with a Super Sad List of Infertility Jams…

What’s on your infertility playlist?