Let me put this scenario out there:
Imagine a dear friend of yours – a parent – has lost their child. Their child has died. It doesn’t matter how, but merely this child that was once theirs and here in this world and perhaps their whole world – is no longer. They hold onto the photos they have of their deceased child in memoriam. They still speak of them by name as they remember their child in the weeks, months, years following their death.
Would you call that act of remembering their deceased child “terrifying“?
Would you judge them for their life choices that brought that child – their child – into the world?
So why are “we” (collective media-messaged culture we) doing that to the Duggars?
. . .
Bastion of quality celebrity “journalism” Perez Hilton posted yesterday about the Duggars’ memorial service for Jubilee Shalom, who would have been the 20th child of the Duggar family (thanks to reader Amy for the tip yesterday!). In the span of about three paragraphs, he goes from revolted to faux compassionate in his sensationalized story about the Duggars’ decision to release a memorial photo taken of their 20-week old daughter.
Totally disturbing. Our hearts go out to the Duggar family, who lost their 20th child in a miscarriage. There is no right way to handle the loss of a child. However, taking creative pictures of your dead child… terrifying.
…We decided not to post the pictures out of respect for the family and our readers. RIP baby Jubilee!
Well gee, Perez, ain’t that mighty warm and fuzzy of you. Judge-y much?
My beloved Gawker.com wasn’t much better:
…the Duggar Family coped with the loss of their twentieth, unborn child in a perfectly reasonable way: posing for a series of photos with its fetal corpse and handing them out to mourners at a memorial service. (They also posted the photos to their Twitter feed and blog.)
Oh, wait, sorry. That’s in fact not a perfectly reasonable response to dealing with your miscarried attempt at adding a twenty-third person to your fucking family. The reasonable response is to STOP HAVING CHILDREN SOMEWHERE IN THE LOW SINGLE-DIGITS. Scroll down to get a look at Jubilee Shalom Duggar’s mouse-sized appendages. You have been warned. (Source)
On one hand, I totally expect snark from the likes of Perez and Gawker. It’s their bread and buttah.
But we’re talking about a dead child and grieving parents here. Why should memorial photos of someone who made it out of the womb alive and THEN die have more societal acceptance than a child who died in utero? Why are the Duggars’ photos “icky” and “terrifying” simply because Jubilee Shalom never made it out of the womb?
Are you telling me the line of culturally appropriate grieving is literally at the cervix? Cuz that’s bullshit.
I have written before about how people don’t handle miscarriage or pregnancy loss well. Not the affected parents per se, but how those around them react to and try to support them during the grieving process. Ironically enough, I had this specifically to say:
I think miscarriage makes a lot of people uncomfortable, particularly those of us who have never experienced it first-hand. Miscarriage, unlike the death of an adult (or even a child or teen), doesn’t have a coffin. It doesn’t have a funeral or memorial service. There’s no obituary in the paper. In many ways, miscarriage is a loss that happens in a vacuum, no physical sign to the outside world that one of us has departed from it. Some losses happen so early there wasn’t even a name yet to give them.
The Duggars had all those things in remembering their daughter. Including a photo of her, “mouse-sized appendages” and all, a very visible, public sign to the outside world of their loss.
“We” (media-messaged we) don’t get it. But it’s not our place to get because it’s not our loss.
And I’m going to go ahead and say this: we (the infertility community) don’t have a place to judge either. We can’t advocate for a more public conversation about infertility and pregnancy loss and simultaneously wish the Duggars would just keep their business quiet. From scanning my social media networks yesterday, I got a sense of that sentiment from the IF community.
I understand that the Duggars live in the public spotlight and thus, are subject to public scrutiny. And I know many of us have beef with their religious and political views. But at the end of the day, it comes down to this:
The Duggars are grieving parents. It doesn’t matter if Jubilee was child number one, four, or twenty. They lost a whole life, a whole world. And no matter what you think or feel about them, they deserve to grieve their loss however they see fit.
End of story.
And, for the record – these photos are not uncommon and historically, post-mortem photography is nothing new and dates back to the earliest days of 19th century photography. As I’ve seen from other bloggers who’ve experienced such loss, they take those photos too. Some even hire professional photographers who specialize in this tragic portraiture if they know for example, a mother will deliver stillborn on a specific date.
A friend of mine from high school posted the photos of her stillborn son on Facebook a few years ago. She got a lot of flack from people who clearly didn’t understand. Even I didn’t, at the time.
But I didn’t pass judgement.
I respected a parent’s right to grieve for their lost child.
We should extend the same courtesy to the Duggars.
Thank you for this. I’m not a big fan of the Duggars… it’s difficult to see family that’s so blithely hyperfertile when so many of us struggle to have just one child. But whether it’s their first child, their third or their 20th, whether Michelle was 20 or 45 or whatever — this was their child & they deserve our sympathy.
The comments I’ve read about this make it so very clear how very little non-ALI folk know about our world. Bereavement photography was very common in Victorian times & has made a comeback in the last 20 years or so. Dh & I facilitated a pregnancy loss support group for 10 years, & during that time, the vast, vast majority of the couples we saw who had a stillbirth or neonatal loss had keepsake photos of their babies, either ones taken by the hospital, ones they took themselves, or both.
My own biggest regret after the stillbirth of our daughter was that I didn’t take a camera to the hospital, even though the social worker I spoke with suggested it. It just seemed way too morbid… and I have been kicking myself ever since then. The nurses took six Polaroids for us — they are crappy & you can’t even see her in three of them, but I treasure them because they are all I have.
Thank you for this post. Before they lost the baby, I was frustrated that they were having babies. But my heart went out to them immediately when they lost her, never once feeling like they didn’t deserve to grieve for their loss. I’m appalled at what they wrote. I avoided most coverage of that for no reason in particular, but maybe somewhere inside I knew that’s how people would react and I wouldn’t be able to take it.
Wonderful post Keiko, very well said.
I agree with you Keiko. A loss is a loss, no matter how many children you have. It is true that photos of dead babies are very disturbing. My mother has a photo taken of her namesake, a baby that died at age 1 of scarlet fever in 1911. You can tell the baby is dead and it’s creepy as all get out. But it SHOULD be disturbing. The loss of a baby is something that no one wants to think about. But, unfortunately, it happens in this country WAY too frequently (The infant mortality rate in the US is higher than some developing nations). When parents are hurting they shouldn’t be forced to sweep the loss under a rug and grieve in private like it is a shameful secret. If we find the pictures disturbing, we don’t have to look at them. They’re not for US anyway.
I looked at the pictures. I think they are very tasteful. I have friends who have had later term miscarriages and stillbirths. Most of them have pictures of their babies. I don’t see why everyone finds it so disturbing. That is their child and she is gone now. They deserve to grieve that however they choose. Regardless of what you think about their reproductive decisions you have got to acknowledge and respect the pain that they are experiencing. I don’t understand how some “journalists” can be so cruel.
I have been bothered by the Duggar media coverage since this came out recently. First of all, I don’t agree with some of their beliefs (but I think most people say that) but I am secretly in sympathy with them for having so many children. I mean, they are obviously taking it to extremes and I wouldn’t have THAT many children, but I could see myself being happy with a good eight or so children. (If only I could. Sigh.)
And I am horrified to see what some people are saying now. I basically had this miscarriage. I have an urn in my bedroom. I have the same pictures. I chose not to share some of my pictures because I knew people would say horrible things like this, but if I knew it was totally safe? I would have.
I just saw the photos. I didn’t think they were morbid at all! In fact, I thought they were really nice. If I could have seen or TOUCHED my miscarried baby, I would have liked to have KNOWN about doing the same. Instead, it took me 2 years of not telling anyone (because my doctor made me think “it’s no big deal/happens all the time”) before I REALLY started to deal with my grief and anger… in that process, I made cards that my husband and I sent out to family and close friends to tell them and memorialize that pregnancy. I was ready for the flak, but was surprised to receive sympathy cards instead. All that time, I had been missing out on the support, etc. by holding it in. I wish such photos/announcements were standard procedure, AND that everyone knew the appropriate way to respond with sympathy and compassion.
I rather glad that the Duggars felt able to share with the world one of the worst experiences parents go through. Don’t get me wrong that I am happy for them, I’m not. I’m devastated for them actually. I too recently miscarried and I found it hard to share with my family the loss I went through since it was one miscarriage right after another one.
The Duggars might be able, through their loss, to help more of us dealing with this type of loss feel able to open up with the friends and family we have and seek their support and understanding.
I totally agree, Keiko, and I’m really surprised to hear that the infertile community is being unkind about the Duggar’s loss. A loss is a loss is a loss. Period.
Thank you for writing this. I just tried to put this comment on the Gawker article but it won’t go through:
“I have to say, I find this article to be reprehensible. It is very common (and understandable) for a family to take pictures of their born-too-soon baby. Just because she was born dead doesn’t mean the family shouldn’t have a memory of her to take with them through their lives.
And just because someone doesn’t share your family building beliefs, you should never, ever shout obscenities at them (or in their general direction) in an article about their lost child. I truly hope you never lose a baby too soon and that you’re spared ever truly knowing the hurt you’ve caused not only them, but anyone whose lost a child and cherishes their pictures as the only memory they have.”
I know people respond this way because they don’t get it, because they’ve never been there, but it’s hard to be understanding, it really is.
It’s been interesting to see the ALI communities response to all of this. So many people had so much shit to say when they were pregnant with #20 and now there is mostly either silence or something else, something harder to define. And of course there is a lot of reaching out and condolences from this community too, surely more from us than anyone else, but there is something else there too. I don’t think even the community knows how they feel about it all, not really.
Thanks for writing about this. I’m sure I’m not the only one who appreciates it.
Thanks for posting this Keiko. I can attest to miscarriage and infant death making people uncomfortable. Not so different to the way people treat infertility… I fit into both groups. It makes them uncomfortable so they pass judgement to quickly and make snarky comments.
I would never do ivf… I would never take pictures of a stillborn child, I would never… the list goes on and on. Bottom line, none of us know what we would do until were faced with the situation. There’s no way to prepare for those things. And like infertility, I would never wish that pain on anyone.
I personally know several people (through a support group, HEAL) who have pictures like this. They may not be easy or comfortable for someone else to look at but it may be the only thing that devastated family has to hold onto.
Similar to infertility, you do what’s best for you to survive and exist. Good for them for being willing to be so public with this as well. Maybe it will bring some level of awareness…
my heart goes out to the duggrs
Thanks for this post. I saw some of the photos and thought they were touching. A way of grieving for them.
I completely agree here. I’m not a big fan of the Duggars religious beliefs, but I find absolutely no fault in them mourning the loss of a child. I’ve been lucky enough never to have suffered a miscarriage (because after four years of trying, I’ve never gotten pregnant), but I can’t say that if I did I would react differently. If I were as far along as Michelle was, I would want pictures of the child I would never again get the chance to hold. I don’t think there is anything wrong, weird or “disgusting” about that.
It also bothers me when others judge how many children they have, especially those who use infertility as a launch pad for judgement. There is not some limited amout of fertility in this world that she got doled out more than us in the IF community. It simply isn’t that way. Her over zealous uterus has nothing to do with my PCOS, and she has every right to have as many children as she does. From all views I’ve had of the family, their children are well taken care of emotionally, financially and otherwise.
I think people do need to lay off the Duggars, and let them mourn how they see fit. I applaud them for having the courage to share their journey with the end of their little girls life with the rest of the world. It opens up a great opportunity to speak about all issues surrounding pregnancy loss.
Thank you for the post, Keiko. As always you’ve hit the nail on the head.
Beautiful post, well written. I agree 100%. xo
Keiko, thank you again for expressing what so many are feeling: disappointment in everyone dragging a grieving family through the mud. Loss is loss. An empty spot in a family’s heart is not a job opening, it won’t be filled or negated by anyone else. This being a larger family than average doesn’t diminish the pain. I hope the few-and-far-between honestly supportive posts like this can offer some small comfort to a couple whose personal choices have been pointlessly vilified every step of the way.
Keiko, thank you for this post. I wish there were some way to make all those insensitive, ignorant people out there understand this. The word “miscarriage” implies a passive event that simply happens to you, your body expelling a mass of tissue that is unidentifiable as a baby. As awful as it is for a mother to lose a pregnancy at any stage, I HATE that that word is used to refer to stillbirth. Michelle Duggar’s baby was real, she LOOKED like a baby, and Michelle had to give birth to her (I think – I didn’t read that she had a c-section) but either way, a mother of a stillborn baby has to go through childbirth in some form. I have publicly posted one photo of my stillborn son in only one place – on my blog, but I WISH I could share it with everyone in my life. His photos are the only proof I have that he ever existed. He was not simply a mass of tissue, and he didn’t simply “slip away.” I gave birth to him and held him, he has a name. Grieving mothers share pictures of their dead babies as a way of proving what they lost.
Beautiful post.
Thank you for defending not just the Duggars but all women, men and families who’ve lost a child to miscarriage. When I miscarried several years ago, my baby slipped out of me perfectly intact…fingers, toes, ears all perfectly formed…and when I went to the ER for hemorrhaging, the nurse whisked the tiny tiny tiny baby away. I asked for the baby back so that when my husband arrived he could see her, and the nurse looked at me like I was completely insane.
Miscarriage is a strange kind of loss, a strange kind of grief. And the only way society seems to think you’re allowed to grieve for a miscarried child is to stop talking about it, which only makes the pain worse. I carried a deep hurt around with me for a long time because I never had closure. Finally, my husband and a few family members and I held a small candle light memorial in our living room and I felt like I could move on.
I posted about this earlier this week. It’s like people are looking for reasons NOT to be compassionate (she was old, her family is big, her religion, etc.)
It’s so strange, right?
I really don’t know anything about them–I’ve never seen the show, but I am sad that they didn’t get to raise all the children they dreamed of raising. As an IF community, we are well acquainted with those emotions.
Great post!
*cheering* … I’m so glad you posted this today. I’ve been trying to think about what I can write about it (without driving away my non-IF readers … thinking about Mel’s post about what one does and doesn’t say on one’s blog!) … because this is such an important conversation both for fertiles and the IF community. I’d argue that in general, the Western world sucks at dealing with loss and grieving, but when it comes to miscarriage, it downright fails. We can barely talk about pregnancy loss to begin with without getting it brushed aside (“oh, don’t worry, you’ll have more”) … and if it’s loss AFTER we already have kids, we’re judged to be ungrateful, or worse. I feel awful for Michelle Duggar, but honestly, I can’t pretend to be inside her head. All I can do is support her (or whomever else) in feeling how they feel, being where they are, and sending them love and light.