Clarity of Purpose and Living Fearlessly

Hi, I’m Keiko and I am a habitual self-saboteur.

(“Hi, Keiko.”)

I have always found it easier to walk away from the opportunity and know that I came out on my own terms than at the mercy of failure. This is the justification I’ve told myself for years.

It’s easier than saying the truth: “I don’t take risks because I’m too scared to fail.”

Instead I told myself, “I come out better for having chosen to walk away.” In that sense, I felt in control.

In reality, I sabotaged myself from opportunity after opportunity my whole life.

. . .

Infertility robs us of our sense of control of our own lives, own own bodies, our own futures. So ever since I was diagnosed, I clung to whatever control I could.

I stayed in a job that left me unfulfilled.

And I justified that choice, day after day, for a little over three years:

“I need the health insurance to to pursue treatment later.”

“We have a mortgage.”

“It’s in a field with a career path.”

“It’s only for another academic year. I can make changes.”

“Lisa needs braces… dental plan! Lisa needs braces… dental plan!”

(Well, maybe not that last one.)

I created a narrative of necessity.

In truth, I created a false narrative to keep myself comfortable. Instead, I trapped myself in my own fear.

. . .

Yesterday and today I attended the Massachusetts Conference for Women in Boston. By sheer luck, Larry told me about it because he works in the Convention Center. I’m so glad he did because it was exactly the kick in the ass I needed this week.

Look, I still own with a full, heavy heart how I feel about my infertility right now. I do. And there’s a time to grieve and wallow and sink ourselves into the mire. But I’m not a swimmer. In fact, I have a pretty terrible fear of drowning because I’ve come too close to it too many times for me to comfortably admit here.

At some point, I’d drown. So for as deep as I may go and believe me – I have been in the deep – there’s that instinctual kicking of the legs, the thrashing of the arms, anything to propel your face above water, to fill your lungs with breath – your primordial sense goes into overdrive and it’s fight or flight. You’ll do whatever you have to do than submit to the alternative.

And that’s how I’ve dealt with my infertility for the last nearly 3 years. I float. I do well. Sometimes I slip beneath the waves and for a little while, I like the way the water feels, the muffled silence of the ocean. And then that ache in my lungs reminds me that I need to come up for air.

. . .

“Live fearlessly.”

That was the conference theme.

And today was when I realized just how much I have lived my life paralyzed by that fear. Quitting my job was the first step in living fearlessly. Launching my own business was the second step. But even then, after two days of networking with amazing women and listening and interacting with some of the most engaging speakers and presenters I’ve ever seen – I circle back to the very first piece of advice I received at the first session yesterday.

It was on the 5 tips every small business owner should know.

Tip #1: Make mistakes and make them early.

Hell, even Steve Jobs agreed:

“Sometimes when you innovate, you make mistakes. It is best to admit them quickly, and get on with improving your other innovations.” (Source.)

It wasn’t a mistake to launch a business. My mistake was in launching a business that was the safe, easy thing to do because I was too afraid to take the BIG risks and actually go after what I really want.

Today, that changes. Which means my business will be changing, and I’ll be shaping and crafting and honing it to make it the success I know it can be. And I know it can be successful because I’ve articulated to myself – and a few select others – exactly what I want.

I have a lot of work to do. I need to rethink and replan everything, basically start over from scratch. And when I’m ready, I’m going to let y’all know what I’m up to, because I’m going to need each and every one of you to help me realize my goals.

My whole life, I chose to walk away from failure rather than take the risk.

But today?

Today I choose to live fearlessly.