You can insert all the jokes you like here; Lord knows I’ve seen them all over Facebook yesterday. Michelle Duggar is pregnant with baby number twenty.
Yes, it is also appropriate to insert “she can have 20 children and I can’t even have one” sentiments here as well. Because believe me, I feel them too.
On one hand, I’ve got to say: good on ya Mr. Duggar. Clearly some stellar sperm. And Mrs. Duggar: you’re a reproductive trooper. She’s 45 years old and I can’t imagine what pregnancy must be like at all for someone that age, let alone what a twentieth pregnancy would be like.
I find it interesting that everyone seems to be doing a collective eye-roll at yet another pregnancy announcement from the Duggar camp. I’m reminded of Nadya Suleman, where it was less eye-roll and more outright rage. I wonder if the difference is that Michelle Duggar has taken the last 23 years to build her family, while Suleman had 14 children within a span of just seven years. And of course, Suleman had them all through fertility treatments as opposed to the marvel of Michelle Duggar’s natural fertility.
And, as yesterday’s defeat of MS 26 proved, clearly a woman’s ability to have as many children as possible is on some right-leaning religiously-motivated agendas. But when a family starts having high-order multiples like Suleman (or even the Gosselins) or even one-after-the-other in the Duggars’ case, quickly approaching almost two dozen children naturally – they face criticism. It begs the question: where’s the threshold between the nuclear family ideal of 2.5 and when it becomes just too many damn kids?
And – who are we to judge? Why should we care?
And don’t forget: the added publicity is just media hyped salt in the wound for the infertility community. The Duggars’ announcement, whether we know them personally or not, just hurts, like any other pregnancy announcement we might read or hear about.
It’s a lot to unpack.
. . .
I don’t come from a big family. It’s just me and my older sister. My dad? Same thing. He and his younger brother. My mom is from a family of 7 children. There are cousins and second cousins I haven’t met or literally just met for the first time at my grandmother’s funeral last year. The idea of big family is actually kind of foreign to me. Compounded with my own infertility, the Duggars just kind of make me scratch my head.
And, confession time: the likelihood possibility that we could be parents of twins? This thought terrifies me. I know plenty of parents of twins and I applaud their resilience. I truly do. Wanting to have twins of my own? Yeah. I’ll make that super taboo “beggars really shouldn’t be choosers” statement: I really don’t want to be a parent of twins. (Caveat: if we have to, we will. C’est la vie.)
Maybe it’s because my frame of reference is limited by my own immediate family size and jaded by my experience with infertility. Or maybe we really should be taking a moment to stop and think about all of this.
Because I’ll be honest, I’m wrestling with some gut feelings this morning. How can I be pro-reproductive rights and then chastise Michelle Duggar at the same time?
See what I mean about it being a lot to unpack?
. . .
IVF gets a bad wrap, that science is playing G-d. But no one seems to wag their finger at G-d in the context of the Duggars. It’s verboten to have three or four babies at the same time through scientific technology. But it’s totally a miracle to have 20 children naturally in your lifetime.
Um, double standard much?
. . .
I don’t have a neat little answer, a catchy quotable statement on which to end this post. So I’ll respond to Michelle the way I respond to a lot of other pregnancy and birth announcements.
I wish Michelle and her family well. I hope the pregnancy goes smoothly. I hope her delivery is free from complications. I hope the media will give them some privacy as they welcome the newest member to the Duggar family into the world.
And now I’m going to go cry for a few minutes and then get on with my day.
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its freaking creepy
My outrage has little to do with IF and nothing to do with the finances of a large family. My outrage has to do with the medical questions involved. There is ample evidence that more pregnanices a woman has, the more dangerous pregnancy and delivery are for her AND the baby. There is even more evidence that once one has had pre-eclampsia one is at greater risk for it to reoccur. Also, once one has had a premature birth, regardless of the cause, one is at greater risk for that to reoccur as well. My outrage is the risk for harm to her unborn baby. I know, I know, I have no right to judge, and if Mom Duggar had been struggling with IF and desperately wanted a child, I would not feel this outrage. But, IMO, the risk she is taking is patenly unfair, not only to the children already born, but also her unborn child. 🙁
Upon hearing this, I immediately had my huge WTF? look up to the sky.
Keiko, you did such a great job of articulating the many thoughts and avenues on this subject.
Just throwing in some more ramblings to the mix:
I’ve often wondered what Michelle and JimBob’s (that’s his name right?) reason was to keep on having children. Is it simply religious beliefs around birth control or is it about raising children surrounded by their faith???
I was very disappointed to hear that she is pregnant again BECAUSE of the very dangerous and life-threatening experience both she and her last born encountered. Her youngest, with so many complications, will be affected by this for her lifetime. I wondered at the time if it was her body’s way of saying…enough already lady!
(Yes, it does not help that I’ve lost many. One just a week before Josie was born. Yup, it stings, I’ll be honest.)
But, knowing that they can support all of these children…I can’t help but wonder…if they believe in G*d so much, why don’t they add to their family and adopt from the millions of children that could thrive in their home???
The millions of children who don’t. have. a. home.
Isn’t this the ‘right thing to do’ in the name of ‘Faith?’
I ask this, because ‘Faith’ is such a huge focus of what they portray on their show.
This is where I find the great disconnect. I do not understand. Why the need to ‘biologically’ keep on going???????????????
All we can do at this point, is to wish her well and hope that the newest little Duggar is able to thrive and stay ‘put’ for as long as possible.
And seriously…if you are really there G*d…I ask you…WTF??? Cause this is just nuts.
I also connected and thought about many of the sentiments you expressed here Keiko. I even watch the Duggars on TV when I feel I am up to it, they fascinate me! From watching their show, I know they are a wholesome family who raise very well rounded kids but none of this takes away from the fact that I am 28 years old with unexplained infertility and they are pregnant again at 45! I too cried when I heard the news, another pregnancy announcement, another day to face the infertility roller-coaster!
In my husband’s words, “They’re talking all the babies!”
My gut says that if we don’t want people all up in our reproductive business then we shouldn’t be all up in hers. BUT she’s on TV putting it all out there, so I think she asked us to be all up in her reproductive business.
I worry that a)she was seriously ill the last pregnancy and b) her last baby was uber early. Both related to her age and both could happen again. I think that’s irresponsible. Then again – her own freakin’ eggs at 45? Maybe it was straight up from Gd.
Well said ladies… I think Keiko said it best. Bottom line its another woman who gets pregnant at the drop of a hat, no less with #20! It hurts to find out anyone is pregnant especially those pregnant with their second/ third since you’ve been ttc. I don’t think anyone can wrap their minds around wanting to have 20+ kids, especially those of us spending thousands, even tens of thousands to try and have one.
It hurts, it always will hurt. Maybe one day when were holding our children it won’t hurt so much, but I have a feeling infertility will always leave its sting.
It is perfectly easy to continue to have children into your 50’s naturally…if you’ve been having children. Having a lot of children actually extends your fertility. Believe it or not, 20 isn’t the most that one woman has born in her life by a long shot. I find the thought of spending more than half of my life pregnant frightening.
I think that Mrs Duggar may be addicted. I think that she doesn’t know who she is or what to do if she isn’t pregnant or having a baby to raise. I really don’t think she knows when to stop. What is she going to do when her ovaries FINALLY dry up and she can’t do it anymore? It won’t be pretty for her, I think.
My thought exactly, Rachel! It also bothers me that the responsibility to parent falls on the older children. I think it’s unfair to them. In fairness, I think the difference between the Duggars and Nadya Suleman is that the Duggars take care of their own put food in the mouths of their children through hard work (and TLC) while Octomom is living off of California’s taxpayers. I also think transferring so many embryos at once was unethical and dangerous.
My issue was her going on and on about how “Gd has blessed them”. As if the rest of us aren’t blessed, aren’t worthy in Gd’s eyes.
I just wrote on this today. My thought is that if you can take care of, love and support them, have them if you can. They have found ways to make it work. And I think they can support them fine because they provide what matters. I’ve seen so many families with single income do it with so little but they just do it differently, not better or worse. But the topic of consumerism and how it guilts us into constantly keep up with the Jones’ kids, is another post (rant) for another day.
Yes, yes, yes. My thoughts on so many things exactly. Thank you for articulating them : )
Mo
I agree that her having 20 pregnancies is frustrating (especially when I can’t even ATTEMPT to have one), and it feels like a slap in the face. The major difference to me between the Duggars and Nadya Suleman is that the Duggars are paying for everything themselves–while the State of California paid for the birth and medical care of the octuplets. I’m pretty sure that Suleman doesn’t have a paying job right now, which would indicate she’s using some form of government assistance to raise her brood.
The Duggars have added to their family in ones and twos, in a somewhat responsible way. Intentionally getting pregnant with HOMs is not responsible–the risks during pregnancy are severe, and it’s more than likely the children will have major health issues later than life. So I don’t really consider it a double standard, as it’s comparing apples and oranges.
I blogged about this topic yesterday but I don’t think I was so nice about it. I’m jealous of their fertility. Some folks just seem to have all the luck.
I’ve always been torn about the Duggars. I respect any woman who can have children naturally but I’m also jealous because I have to fight so hard to be able to do something that we were created to do.
But at the same time, if you willingly subject your family to the public eye, you bring on all the good with the bad. I am all for having as many children as you can support and provide for successfully. In the past, it was common to have a large family because the chances of all the kids making it to adulthood was smaller due to the lack of medical knowledge and childhood illness and diseases that we now have vaccinations to protect us against. Nowadays, it is no longer necessary to have large families and its also not financially feasible for many. The big issues that I carry with The Duggars and their soon to be 20 children is that to be able to support all of them, they have taken to parading themselves on tv to make some money (cause lets be honest, how can he afford to support all of them on his own, shes a stay at home mom). And because of this, they get the attention but they also get trips they could not afford otherwise because they are simply on tv. That being said, I don’t watch the show.
Have as many kids as you want, work hard to provide for them, praise whatever god or deity you believe in and tell everyone that that is why you have so many kids, but parade it all over tv and you are gonna get slammed. In my own personal way, I take offense to her praising god for “this gift” and god deciding to give them another child. What does that make the rest of us? Unworthy? Make a statement like that and know that you are hurting another god believing woman who truly thinks that she really is not worthy in the eyes of god and that is why she cannot have kids. That’s what makes me mad. I am no less of a person, I am no less blessed and god did not decide that I am not worthy. But there are people out there who do believe that and by publicly announcing that on tv, shes hurting infertile women out there. And thats what angers me about the duggars. But at the end of the day, I still hope that she has a healthy pregnancy and a happy healthy child.
Why are you perpetually in my head?
I had this exact conversation with someone else yesterday. A friend of a friend also gave the Duggars the “just adopt instead of bringing more babies into an overpopulated world” speech I thought was reserved for us infertiles (joke), to which I replied:
“Why are people convinced that adopting ANY baby is interchangeable with the desire to see you and your spouse reflected in a child?
Granted, the Duggars have 20+ reflections at this point, but until I see EVERY adult go out and adopt one child to lessen the “poor orphan” number, they can miss me with that “advice”.”
It is a slippery slope that unfortunately rounds its way back to one simple philosophy: Everyone should have the right to make their own reproductive health choices. They’re a debt-free family that my taxes don’t support. More power to them.
I have so many of the same sentiments. Honestly, the first thing I thought was, “She’s 45 and can get pregnant seemingly at the drop of a hat, and already has 19 kids – I’m 27, and my first pregnancy after 3+ yrs of trying ended in miscarriage. How is this fair? What is wrong with me?” But really, we all know that life isn’t fair. It’s beautiful, it’s certainly a blessing, but it isn’t fair. And also, I know what’s wrong with me. I have PCOS. But my fight isn’t over yet. So congrats to the Duggar family – I truly hope that baby and mom get through this pregnancy healthy and strong, because those kids need their mom and every child is a gift. Would I have that many children if I could? No. But they seem happy, and they seem like well-rounded good kids. They are financially independent and secure. It’s their choice, their beliefs. What’s it to us? But yes, a tear or two did roll down my cheeks when I heard. I’m infertile, it’s only natural.
Once again, you gracefully said many of the things I wanted to say. Thank you.