Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Pregnancy and infant loss are subjects that often leave us speechless. For the grieved parents, it’s just not the way things are supposed to happen. For those who support them, we often don’t know what to say. Like in so many other instances throughout the infertility spectrum, well-intentioned advice or support can come across as callous and disrespectful:
“At least you know you can get pregnant.”
“At least you already have a son.”
“You can always try again.”
Statements like these fail to recognize that no matter how far along the mother may have been, her pregnancy represented a promise of life that will remain unfulfilled. And miscarriages and infant loss hurt men, too. They may not endure the physical pain, but the emotional one is just as palpable. He fully intended to be a daddy, too.
I’ll be honest. I’m not good about handling the news of a miscarriage because it’s one of the few times, in all my usual eloquence, I truly don’t know what to say. The most I offer is usually my shoulder to cry on, a sympathetic ear, and to hold them in my heart. But one of the things I do try to do is to acknowledge their very real pain and tell them I support the validity of that loss.
Because I do.
I think miscarriage makes a lot of people uncomfortable, particularly those of us who have never experienced it first-hand. Miscarriage, unlike the death of an adult (or even a child or teen), doesn’t have a coffin. It doesn’t have a funeral or memorial service. There’s no obituary in the paper. In many ways, miscarriage is a loss that happens in a vacuum, no physical sign to the outside world that one of us has departed from it. Some losses happen so early there wasn’t even a name yet to give them.
But these losses are just as painful. They are just as valid – just as real.
Miscarriage is one of those fears I have, should I ever be blessed enough to experience pregnancy. I know that if my thyroid were to be poorly managed (which thankfully, it’s doing pretty swell) I would be at an increased risk. And as cold as this might seem, with the amount of finances it’s going to take just to GET me pregnant, a miscarriage represents a huge financial loss.
For those who are or have been pregnant, I imagine it’s like this little stinging bee hovering just behind you, occasionally pricking the skin to remind you it’s there. And for most, that’s all it ever is and they go on to have a healthy pregnancy and beautiful children.
And then there are the 10-25% of all hopeful mothers-to-be who don’t get that far.
Today is for them and for their partners, spouses, and lost children.
. . .
I wanted to round out this post with some resources and blog posts I’ve come across in the last few months that deal with pregnancy and infant loss. I hope that these provide some level of comfort and support to those who need it, and I encourage you to visit these sites and read these stories to learn more and raise awareness about this segment of very real, very painful loss in our society.
- The Long Goodbye: A heartbreaking post from Melissa N. at With Every Heartbeat (who contributed to my Voices of PCOS series last month) who is currently experiencing a miscarriage.
- A Month of Missing: A short post from In Due Time as she reflects on the pain of her miscarriage she experienced last month, without knowing she was pregnant before the loss began.
- Understanding and Supporting Pregnancy Loss: The R House launched a 3-part series featuring three women’s stories of dealing with pregnancy loss. It’s not often I say this, but it’s one of the most powerful things I’ve read in the blogosphere. Her series is a must-read for anyone trying to understand the unique pain of miscarriage. Part Two: Do’s and Do Not’s and Part Three: The Grieving Process.
- After Miscarriage, Missing The Luxury Of Grieving: A moving piece from NPR last month, featuring a voice we don’t often hear: that of the grieved father-to-be.
- Who You’d Be Today: Kathy from Four of a Kind reflects on her history of losses for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in 2008.
- Time Warp Tuesday: Song Lyrics: A followup post from Kathy three years later as she reflects on how much her life has changed since that post.
- Don’t minimize infertility or miscarriage: a Bust a Myth post from Whitney at Whitney & Erick with some practical advice about how to support others who may be experiencing a loss.
- Miscarriages are Real Losses: A powerful point-by-point post from Esperanza at Stumbling Gracefully that was also part of this year’s Bust a Myth challenge. Inspiring, compassionate, and validating – a beautiful post on the subject of pregnancy loss.
. . .
If you’ve been touched by pregnancy or infant loss, my heart is with you today.
Hi Keiko, I follow your blog regularly but have never commented. My husband and I have battled infertility for over four years now. Our first child, conceived through ivf, would have been born on September 8 this year. We lost that child to a miscarriage in February.
Thank you for simply taking the time to acknowledge the loss and the pain for so many people out there. I pray that we are both blessed with a child soon and that some of this pain becomes a memory as we try to help others. Still hoping…
Keiko,
Thanks for including me. It was a beautiful post and I found myself nodding my head in agreement while reading it. You are such a smart and compassionate advocate for our community. ♥
Thank you so much for this. Having had three miscarriages, I can tell you that the best thing that anyone can say is ‘I’m sorry for your loss’. It says it all and lets you continue the conversation from there.
One comment that helped make my grieving make sense to me was from my doctor. He said as soon as you learn you are pregnant you start planning, hoping and dreaming and you project forward from birth to 18 for your little one. When you miscarry you have to let all of that go and that takes time.
My story ended happily, and I hope yours will too. I shall be reading and cheering you on.
Thank you so much for writing this. And thank you for providing all the amazing links. I ready every piece and am better for having read them. Thank you.
Thank you for this, Keiko.
And: I wonder often whether my losses were due to thyroid mismanagement. Now I have a better endocrinologist, and I credit him with keeping my daughter alive. I hope that everyone with thyroid disease can find someone as supportive as he has been, and that some of our losses can be prevented … while at the same time I hope that more people can understand pregnancy loss and make it OK to talk about. Silence is a soul-killer.
Thank you for remembering with us. My dream is that someday no one else will have to learn what a miscarriage or infant loss feels like.
Thank you Keiko. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for trying to understand, even when you haven’t been there (and I hope and pray that this is something you never have to experience). Thank you, as always, for doing what you can to raise awareness about so many issues and experiences that are prevalent “throughout the infertility spectrum” (as you so aptly explained).
I am honored to be featured in your post today and really appreciate your kind words. I do hope that your readers will click through and check out all of the wonderful blog entries that you highlighted, whether they are trying to gain a better understanding of pregnancy and infant loss to support loved ones who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death or if they have lost one or more babies themselves.
You are such a kind and kindred spirit my friend. Thank you for all you are and for all you do to help advocate and educate others about the realities of family building. xoxo
I linked your blog post to mine today and am having my husband read it too along with a few of the links you provided.
Thanks for gathering all these resources. I’m still trying to figure out how to talk to people about what I’ve been through–how to help them understand–and these posts will (I hope) help with that.
I really hope that if/when you do get pregnant it goes smoothly, and you never have to join the pregnancy loss club.
Thank you for sharing this today.
Thank you for including my story in this moving blog post, Keiko. My heart goes out to all who are struggling through and with pregnancy and infant loss. I wanted to dedicate this comment, and my The Long Good-bye post, to my parents and my sister, Amanda, who was born still 30 years ago next Tuesday, October 18. I never knew her, but I love her. I am her, and she is me. I think of her often, and I truly believe she is my guardian angel. I know she will look after our little one in heaven, and she will live on in our hearts forever.