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| Photo by Frank Monnerjahn via Flickr |
IVF with donor egg is a tough concept to wrap your brain around; I certainly struggled with it initially. We’ve certainly flip-flopped around in our family building plans in the two years since I was diagnosed: donor egg, adoption, then back to donor egg. I have RESOLVE of New England to thank for that; we went to the 2009 Annual Family Building Options Conference and came out thinking donor egg. Then we went to their Adoption Decision-Making Seminar and came out thinking adoption. After volunteering at last year’s Annual Conference, we’re back on the path to donor egg. Like I’ve mentioned in our latest snapshot of our infertility journey, the only thing holding us up is getting our finances saved up for the adventure.
Despite all the flip-flopping on the mechanics of building our family, Saturday certainly solidified the decision for us and for the first time, saving up the money be damned, I’m actually really excited about the prospect of donor egg. On Saturday, RNE hosted their Donor Egg Decision-Making Seminar; since I’m on the Board, I got to host the event: set up the room, make sure the presenters are set, sign in and register attendees. Did I deliberately volunteer to host one of our programs that just so happens to be right up my interest alley? Why, I don’t know what you’re talking about!
I brought my laptop with me and tweeted a lot of the key points and information throughout the day. (You can see the summary of all the #RNEDESeminar tweets here.) It was a nice way to be able to not only jot down notes for myself, but to share them with folks as they were around on Twitter Saturday. Despite all of the research Larry and I have done regarding donor egg, there’s always something new to learn, and I certainly picked up a few interesting facts, such as…
Did you know different sects of the same religion have different views on donor egg? For example, if you’re a Sunni Muslim, donor egg is forbidden; if you’re a Shiite Muslim, it is permitted. Of course my ears perked up when the presenter talked about Judaism: the halacha is a bit fuzzy on the whole issue of donor egg, so really, it’s whatever your Rabbi says. Ha! Like I have a Rabbi right now; we still need to find a shul to call our own. (PS: live in MA? Know of a nice Reconstructionist Temple w/in the Boston/North Shore area? Email me.)
That said, I learned a lot and was thrilled to connect with the other attendees; we had 14 total (7 couples) and it was refreshing to connect and talk with folks in person. I’m actually seriously considering starting my own peer-led support group in the North Shore region; meeting other people who really understand the infertility experience is so therapeutic. I’m hardly a healed woman myself; I’ve come a long way, yes, but I still need the support on a regular basis. I was also shocked that 2 other women there had POF diagnoses, as well as one of the panelist speakers at the end of the day. We’re such a small lot that I was glad I could meet other POF-ers in person. (“Glad” of course is a relative term: no woman should ever have to go through POF.)
I wanted to share just a few highlights from the day. The Donor Egg Seminar was structured into five sessions throughout the entire day and I’ll just share a few gems from each one:
From Preparing the Way for Egg Donation
Dr. John Petrozza, Chief, Reproductive Medicine and IVF, and Joan Eilers, RN, MGH Fertility Center
- IVF with donor egg has around a 55% success rate nationally which is slightly higher than “regular” IVF (that is, trying to use your own eggs). While success rates vary by clinic, select a clinic that feels like the right fit for you: consider doctor/patient dynamic, nurse and office staff, timeliness of response, etc.
- The ASRM guidelines for donor compensation suggest a minimum donor fee of $5,000 but anything above that should be justified (which is a debatable term right now). The ASRM considers a donor compensation fee above $10,000 to be exorbitant.
- Donor egg recipients have it a lot easier than normal IVF patients. The prep is in telling the ovaries “Hey! Don’t do anything!” and that’s typically accomplished with birth control pills. Some recipients may complete a mock cycle: it’s a dry run just to see how the recipient responds to meds; this is typically reserved for patients who have never completed IVF before and is usually done concurrently while the donor get screened, to save time.
From Legal Issues and Contracts
Amy Demma, Esq, Law Office of Amy Demma
- Reproductive lawyers are a small, niche group in this country but are extremely well-versed in the intricacies of navigating the legality and ethics of assisted reproductive technology. It’s in your best interest to seek out a specialist this this area of law rather than say, your real estate lawyer.
- Did you know about the Donor Sibling Registry? When working with a lawyer, you can include this in your contract with the donor requiring her to register. It’s a valuable tool and resource for intended parents and donors.
- While not required, it’s good practice to have your lawyer review your Service Agreement with your chosen donor agency. When in doubt, just remember: it’s for your benefit and legal protection to have that set of expert eyes looking over any contracts before you sign.
From Finding a Donor
Sheryl Steinberg, Senior Case Manager, Fertility Source Companies: The Donor SOURCE
- Donors are typically young women in their early to mid-twenties. They come from all races, religious backgrounds, marital status, and may or may not have already had children.
- While you can’t obtain full medical records of potential donors, they are expected to complete a detailed medical history and comprehensive diagnostic screening.
From Psychosocial Issues
Laura Lubetsky, LICSW, Brigham and Women’s Hospital Center for Infertility and Reproductive Surgery
- Selecting your donor: looking through profiles and their pictures – is a weird experience, like you’re going through Match.com. It’s perfectly normal to feel weird about the whole thing; it’s also perfectly normal for there to be feelings of guilt, anger, and grief.
- If you’re using a known donor, particularly a family member like a sister, consider the Thanksgiving Dinner scenario. What will the dynamic be like with you, your sister, and your donor egg conceived child at the table? How will define your roles? How weird will it feel? Will it feel weird at all?
- While disclosure is almost always a good practice, it really is nobody’s business how you got pregnant.
- The idea of how to tell your children they were conceived with donor egg can seem particularly daunting to intended parents. Typically, after you have your child and once you’re parenting, the idea doesn’t seem so foreign and there are a variety of resources out there to help you begin that dialogue with your child.
From A Group Discussion About the Issues—Recipient Parents Speak
Annie Geoghegan, LICSW, Brigham and Women’s Hospital Center for Infertility and Reproductive Surgery
- One couple on the panel talked about the very broad way of how they plan to tell their daughter she was conceived by donor egg: “You weren’t an oops baby. In fact, your daddy and I couldn’t have wanted you more.”
- “Everyone comes to the moment they pick their donor differently, but when you do, something just clicks. Selecting a donor can become a very philosophical process.”
- “Your emotions can change so much during the whole donor egg process. Just try to take it a day at a time.”
- “The moment that baby is in your arms, all those concerns about using donor egg totally shift. You have to stomach this weird process to get to this wonderful end.”
On a very personal note, this was perhaps the most emotional and valuable session of the entire day. I left feeling so filled with hope to hear success stories from parents via donor egg. I think the one piece of information that stuck with me, as I drove on a long quiet drive by myself back home afterward. Right now, even though donor egg and IVF and clinics and costs and how are we ever going to tell our children are so ever present on our minds, things totally change and all this worry-filled head space starts to feel more and more distant. The moderator for the panel discussion put it best: if you successfully resolve with donor egg, it stops being the headline. It becomes a badge you wear instead.
I like that. A headline implies that the whole world is looking at you with a judgmental lens; a badge is something we’ve worked hard to earn and is something of which we can be proud.
I can’t wait and I hope I’m lucky enough to earn mine soon.
Like Kathy, I am here from the future. I have been reading for about six months now and a quite a fan of your writing. As a donor, I feel I am gaining insight into the thoughts and feelings of my previous recipients. Thank you for sharing your journey!
Here via Time Warp Tuesday from the future! I know this wasn’t “the post” you picked for this week, but since you linked to it and I wasn’t familiar with how you and Larry came to this decision, I was curious to read it. What an awesome and informative post! I love how at the end you shared about your fav takeaway re: the difference between a “headline” and a “badge.”
I have two personal connections to the DE option. One is that I have a close loved one who experiences POF when she was 18. Years ago she asked me to be her donor. There were so many layers to my considering her request. At the time I was much younger and had not started trying to build my own family yet and thus had not faced our five year journey through SIF and loss. Also back then my loved one and I had no idea what was involved in ART cycles, so we were discussing mostly the emotional ramifications of the option vs. the physical. Anyway, in the end it was hard for me, but I said no and my loved one and her husband chose not to pursue DE through other donors. They decided to try to adopt and have a healthy 18 month old now and another on the way soon that they have been matches with.
Lastly, I have a neighborhood friend who had a very positive experience with DE ART cycles and conceived now almost 3 year old twins via that route. I was fascinated to go through that experience with her and wish you and Larry the best on your journey to build your family via DE. xoxo
Keiko, good luck to you! We are in the midst of doing a DE IVF cycle right now, and I would echo a previous poster who said it's not for the faint of heart. It is, however, a wonderful option for those who need it and can make peace with this method of becoming parents.
I am currently going through a donor egg IVF cycle and I am very excited. Hoping for that miracle. I wish you the very best in your journey. The donor egg process is not for the faint of heart, I will tell you, it can be difficult choosing but you are a very strong woman and I have confidence that you can get through it! Good Luck to you 🙂
Wow. That was a wonderful post and I love the name of the blog. I found your blog through the SITS forum. I really enjoyed the information about the different religious views.
This isn't a topic I'm involved in, but it really got my attention. I enjoy your style of writing. When bloggers deal with a very personal topic, such as this, I read a lot of asides, which aren't always necessary. You made the topic very honest and approachable.
If I may make a suggestion, as a reader it was a lot to take in. I think the gems from the presentations could have been separated into a separate post. Great post and best wishes.
I remember, when, at 26, the use of donor eggs was first suggested to me. It's a tough pill to swallow– particularly when you're in your twenties and the news comes totally unexpected. Unfortunately, we attempted multiple DE cycles and discovered that in addition to using a donor, we also need a gestational carrier. We too then went back and forth between adoption and using DE+carrier. Ultimately we decided to pursue treatment in India with a DE+carrier. We are very at peace with our decision and are so thankful for the support of others in the same position. Kudos for running the conference program– events like that certainly make 3d party reproduction much less scary and much more exciting.
I remember, when, at 26, the use of donor eggs was first suggested to me. It's a tough pill to swallow– particularly when you're in your twenties and the news comes totally unexpected. Unfortunately, we attempted multiple DE cycles and discovered that in addition to using a donor, we also need a gestational carrier. We too then went back and forth between adoption and using DE+carrier. Ultimately we decided to pursue treatment in India with a DE+carrier. We are very at peace with our decision and are so thankful for the support of others in the same position. Kudos for running the conference program– events like that certainly make 3d party reproduction much less scary and much more exciting.
I remember, when, at 26, the use of donor eggs was first suggested to me. It's a tough pill to swallow– particularly when you're in your twenties and the news comes totally unexpected. Unfortunately, we attempted multiple DE cycles and discovered that in addition to using a donor, we also need a gestational carrier. We too then went back and forth between adoption and using DE+carrier. Ultimately we decided to pursue treatment in India with a DE+carrier. We are very at peace with our decision and are so thankful for the support of others in the same position. Kudos for running the conference program– events like that certainly make 3d party reproduction much less scary and much more exciting.
I remember, when, at 26, the use of donor eggs was first suggested to me. It's a tough pill to swallow– particularly when you're in your twenties and the news comes totally unexpected. Unfortunately, we attempted multiple DE cycles and discovered that in addition to using a donor, we also need a gestational carrier. We too then went back and forth between adoption and using DE+carrier. Ultimately we decided to pursue treatment in India with a DE+carrier. We are very at peace with our decision and are so thankful for the support of others in the same position. Kudos for running the conference program– events like that certainly make 3d party reproduction much less scary and much more exciting.
I remember, when, at 26, the use of donor eggs was first suggested to me. It's a tough pill to swallow– particularly when you're in your twenties and the news comes totally unexpected. Unfortunately, we attempted multiple DE cycles and discovered that in addition to using a donor, we also need a gestational carrier. We too then went back and forth between adoption and using DE+carrier. Ultimately we decided to pursue treatment in India with a DE+carrier. We are very at peace with our decision and are so thankful for the support of others in the same position. Kudos for running the conference program– events like that certainly make 3d party reproduction much less scary and much more exciting.
I remember, when, at 26, the use of donor eggs was first suggested to me. It's a tough pill to swallow– particularly when you're in your twenties and the news comes totally unexpected. Unfortunately, we attempted multiple DE cycles and discovered that in addition to using a donor, we also need a gestational carrier. We too then went back and forth between adoption and using DE+carrier. Ultimately we decided to pursue treatment in India with a DE+carrier. We are very at peace with our decision and are so thankful for the support of others in the same position. Kudos for running the conference program– events like that certainly make 3d party reproduction much less scary and much more exciting.
I remember, when, at 26, the use of donor eggs was first suggested to me. It's a tough pill to swallow– particularly when you're in your twenties and the news comes totally unexpected. Unfortunately, we attempted multiple DE cycles and discovered that in addition to using a donor, we also need a gestational carrier. We too then went back and forth between adoption and using DE+carrier. Ultimately we decided to pursue treatment in India with a DE+carrier. We are very at peace with our decision and are so thankful for the support of others in the same position. Kudos for running the conference program– events like that certainly make 3d party reproduction much less scary and much more exciting.
I remember, when, at 26, the use of donor eggs was first suggested to me. It's a tough pill to swallow– particularly when you're in your twenties and the news comes totally unexpected. Unfortunately, we attempted multiple DE cycles and discovered that in addition to using a donor, we also need a gestational carrier. We too then went back and forth between adoption and using DE+carrier. Ultimately we decided to pursue treatment in India with a DE+carrier. We are very at peace with our decision and are so thankful for the support of others in the same position. Kudos for running the conference program– events like that certainly make 3d party reproduction much less scary and much more exciting.
I'm coming by from SITS and totally amazed and appreciative of you sharing your experiences. This is totally out of my element and I can only imagine the process you've been through and are going through. It's exciting that you're excited and I'm hoping everything falls into place quickly. By the time I learned that a woman could donate eggs and I was ready to do something like that I was too old. Thanks again for this post; you've opened up my heart and mind on this subject.
I am so excited for you! The waiting and the indecision is so hard. When you start to move forward, there is nothing more exciting. I wish you the best of luck!!!!!!!
However, I HATE it when ppl with IF imply that their children are more wanted than an 'oops' child. I like to think that if my husband and I should become amazingly accidentally pregnant (we are more likely to win powerball, but what the heck) that child would be unbelievably wanted and cherished.
I am so happy to hear you excited about the possibilities…awesome!
We have talked before, but I have gone through the DE process and have consulted with different Rabbis (conservative and orthodox) on the issues surrounding it. I would be happy to answer questions you may have from my perspective. So excited for you to get the process started!
@Gwinne – Mazel tov! How exciting 🙂
@Lora – Thank you so much for the well wishes.
@Julie – Mazel tov as well on your new arrival! You bring up an excellent point; using donor gametes share a lot of the same emotional experience whether its eggs or sperm. As for resources, I think I'll post some in the next few weeks. If you email me (miriamshope AT gmail DOT com) I'm also happy to email some to you as well 🙂
I really enjoyed this post. While we didn't use donor egg, we did use donor sperm, which comes with a lot of the same issues and feelings. You mentioned that you heard some good information on telling your child. Could you post some of those? I still have a while before I have to worry about it (the baby is only 12 weeks), but it's somethink I'd like to be ready for!
It sounds like it was a great conference! I've always wanted to donate, but perhaps I am too old now being nearly 30. Best wishes on your journey!!
I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant from a donor egg/donor sperm cycle (I'm single). I rarely think about the DE angle; I'm just happy to be (finally) moving on in my fertility journey. DE was definitely the right path for me at this point in my life.