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| Photo by Tim Regan, via Flickr. |
So often I’m writing about all the big picture things in the infertility world: advocacy efforts, ranting about the media, and the like – sometimes I forget to remember that ultimately, I started this blog to chronicle our personal journey through infertility. I thought I should take a step back from all of that other stuff – though quite important – to just take a look at where we are right now.
Back before we ever knew about my diagnosis, Larry and I had talked over the Big Discussion of When We’d Have Children and decided that May 2011 would be the month we ditch the birth control and start makin’ babies. How idealistic we were. It’s bittersweet to know that now I can’t ditch the BC if I wanted to; it serves as vital hormone replacement therapy. And, despite my best efforts to be sloppy with taking BC, I couldn’t make an “accident” happen no matter how hard I tried. And believe me: I’ve tried this past year. What can I say: I’ve got a busted ovary and wishful thinking is hardly going to jumpstart it again anytime soon.
It’s hard knowing this was supposed to be the month we made love with reckless abandon in hopes for a baby by our fourth wedding anniversary. It’s hard knowing that my body has conspired against us. And, like every spring, it’s hard feeling like the last kid picked for the team when all I see on my Facebook, Twitter, and Reader feeds are pregnancy and birth announcements, many from within this community. I am of course, happy for each and every one of them.
If you’re an infertile blogger, then you know what that bittersweetness feels like: joy tinged with the faintest jealousy. You know that as happy as you are in your heart, it doesn’t stop your nearly instinctual reaction to start crying, wondering, “When will it be my turn?”
Once again, I’m on the hunt to find newer blogs of folks who haven’t yet resolved; I still read the folks who are moving on, but I’m finding myself in fewer alike company. When I started blogging two years ago, I watched that first batch of fellow bloggers resolve. There have been many batches of bloggers since. And I just keep writing, keeping filling this very aching void in my womb with inspired words.
What I can’t create in biology I create in writing instead.
I wonder how many words I will have written before I’m able to write That Happy Ending. That Happy Ending That We Thought We’d Get to Have It All Just Like in The Movies – you know – The One Where You Marry Your High School Sweetheart and Have Your Little Soulmate Babies Together.
Our new adjusted timeline is to hopefully select a donor sometime late fall of this year, to pursue IVF with donor egg. My second opinion doc, Doc Awesome, assures me I’ll be an excellent candidate for DE/IVF. Once we select a donor and go through that whole legal and donor screening rigamaroll, hopefully we’ll get this baby-makin’ ball rolling by December or January at the latest. And… it’s only May. It’s good to have a timeline in sight, but damn if the waiting doesn’t get to me.
This all of course, depends on how quickly we can make our $15,000 savings goal. Believe me, I’m thankful to live in a state with the best mandated infertility treatment coverage, but of couse, donor egg is full of loopholes. Donor compensation, donor screening, agency and legal fees aren’t covered, so even with my awesome mandated insurance, we’re still facing $15K out of pocket. I know I should be thankful – it’s remarkably less than those who have no insurance coverage, but we’re not exactly Bill and Melinda Gates here. We’re doing our best to pay our mortgage, our bills, fill up our gas tanks and our bellies and still somehow put some cash aside so we can build our family.
And then there’s that nagging little voice: “We’re actually saving $15K for a chance to build our family.”
Because like everything else in this infertility journey: there’s just no guarantee.
So that’s where we’re at: in a financial holding pattern until we save up the money. I continue to be involved with RESOLVE and RESOLVE of New England. I advocate for infertility awareness because it helps pass the time and gives me a sense of purpose and control while I wait. And the world moves ahead of us, another pregnancy announcement at a time.
I keep praying for a miracle.
As the days tick off the rest of this month, as I approach my 29th birthday next week, I keep thinking about How It Was Supposed to Have Been and How It’s Very Much Not That at All Now.
And we keep waiting.
What an excellent post. You express your thoughts and feelings so eloquently and I was really engaged with your process. I will certainly be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you continue on your journey.
Hi Keiko,
This is the first time I have commented on a blog. This post really spoke to me. I'm in a similar situation. I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure in January and told the only way for a baby is DE IVF. I also turned 29 in January. Talk about a huge blow! I absolutely feel for you and your husband. This infertility stuff sucks! I just started my own blog, ababywouldbeeggs-cellent.blogspot.com if you want to take a look.
I think you are an awesome inspiration to the Infertility community! I hope I can have as much of an impact as you have. You are a very brave woman. I pray we are all blessed with the resolve we hope for.
~Tonya
I've been reading your blog for a while now and just wanted to say hi. I'm a single mother by choice and turned to DE to conceive my second child, after 2.5 years and a DOR diagnosis. I hope the rest of 2011 brings good thigns for you.
You are such a young thing! 😉 My hubby and I waited 4 years before we ditched the birth control. That was in 2000, when we both turned 30. Thank goodness we started when we did, because I was still an old lady of 35 when we finally were able to bring home babies, just a couple months shy of our 6th anniversary TTC. We got very tired of hearing "You are so young, you have time on your side" after round and round of IVF. Time is great, but it's not everything. Many ppl had already had their second kids by the time we were pregnant. I wish you tons of luck, and patience. I had to have surgery between rounds II and III, months of waiting for the surgery and months of recovery afterwords. Sometimes the waiting to try is the hardest thing of all. Thank you for sharing everything with us.
I know the feeling… there are certain blogs I am less and less enthused to read as they discuss their happy pregnancies and new children. As we continue to sit in this holding pattern. I hate that money is such a hurdle for us…
I feel your pain I feel like I am getting left in the dust in the baby making department all my friends and relatives are on their second and third kid while I am still waiting. My husband and I have been off birth control for 4 years and actively TTC for 3 so I understand that ache all to well. Your blog is inspiring to me and I would love if you would follow me http://www.anotherdayinthelifeofjules.blogspot.com
You know hubby and I are right along with you. I will turn the big 3 0 this october and had planned in my early and silly years to have my 2 or 3 children by now. so strange that we are still working our way towards 1. Hang in there hunnie, and you know I am hanging in with you…. xoxo jamie
Feeling like a soul sister at this moment. My birthday is next week, turning 28. And we've been working on this infertility journey for about 4 years now too. Still praying for a miracle for all my IF friends, and glad your blog is still around advocating for all of us.
IF involves SO much waiting. I'm glad you have a plan though…and coverage that helps bring the cost to an unreasonable amount instead of a completely unreasonable amount. Ugh. Who am I kidding, $15K is an insane amount.
Thanks for your awesome posts!
I am waiting along with you, but without the hope of even the saving up for a family yet, and I'm just a bit older as well. The clock is ticking so very very loudly in my ears. I wish you well, and send you my thoughts and prayers.
Oh I can so relate to this. When we were married, it will be six years in August, I thought we would have kids right away, but I'm still waiting. Thanks for being such a strong advocate in the IF world!
The whole "paying for a CHANCE to make it happen" is so gut wrenching. I always have to keep reminding myself that just because we paid the big bucks and did everything perfectly with meds, shots, blood draws, ultrasounds, etc still doesn't mean a baby will happen. SO FRUSTRATING! Especially for us control freaks and perfectionists that think if we do everything to the nth degree we can force it into being.
Great post.
Not sure if you already follow my blog (bravingivf.blogspot.com) but I'm in the still TTC club – July marks 4 years and based on the plan we have with Dr. Sher, there's no way I could get pregnant before the end of this year, so next July will be baby free too. Le sigh.
*hugs*
I'm so glad you wrote an update – I've been wondering where you are in your journey, lately. Meeting those mile stones can be heartbreaking, and grieving those losses of "what was supposed to be," again and again. Infertility can be relentless at times. I've also been having a harder time with following the stories of those who resolve from our community… it does feel like our pool is a bit deserted lately.
Hang in there, babe. We ARE getting closer. Every day.
I totally understand this post because I was SO there. I have been blogging for almost 7 years now and I have friends in blogland that have almost 7 year olds (and some have had 2nd children)
I used to call it "getting lapped". I mean OF COURSE you are happy for your friends that achieve success but it is hard to be the bridesmaid time and time again.
I have no advice, just nodding my head with you. I get it. I am now in the group of the lucky that have achieved what was once thought to be unattainable – but I just needed to let you know that I hear you and it fucking SUCKS and I'm sorry.
I am relatively new to your blog and have greatly enjoyed it thus far. My husband and I have watched many friends go on for years ahead of us, many have 3-4 children now, and we still sit here, childless here on earth. I am rapidly approaching my 30th in two weeks, and I guarantee this life is not what I had planned on at all. But I do have to believe that our story will be more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Keep up the beautiful, passionate posts. Personal or big picture, I appreciate your voice.
Oh, Keiko. Your comment "What I can't create in biology I create in writing instead" makes my heart ache for you. As much as you are an inspiration, I know that advocacy doesn't replace your desire to become a mother. I feel so torn about my own "completion" … and lately, have been trying to figure out how to write so that I don't leave behind the community that has become so important to me. I'm not just another mommy blogger … and yet, I'm also sensitive to the bittersweetness you describe.
I wish I could help, do something more than stay here, witness, and pray.
I relate to a lot of what you've said, even though I haven't been on this journey or blogging nearly as long. Already my reader is full of pregnant/adopting bloggers. A few already have their babies. It is so very hard not to take it personally when someone "laps" me.
This must be a tough month for you. (((Hugs)))
Ace post. We've been off birth control since August 2007 and taking ttc more seriously since January 2008 – it feels like forever. But hopefully we'll all get there in the end, somehow.
Lovely post, I admire how you put all of your emotions about infertility out there. Hopefully this helps you in your journey. No matter how you become a parent, your child will be the soulmate baby you always dreamed about.
You are an inspiration to all of us who are still reaching for our resolve. My husband and I have been TTC since February 2008 — since then, I have had open heart surgery and a pacemaker implanted. I, too, dream of a day when I can share the news that my womb is no longer empty. You mentioned that you are looking for new bloggers to read/follow. My blog is http://www.infertilemyrtleme.blogspot.com. You are more than welcome to follow along on our journey. I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your story and for your brave voice.