Oh yeah: babies.

Photo via Flickr by Mike Locke.

So I’ve been a bit remiss in posting lately. Work has basically taken over my life as has everything with the house. Speaking of: we had an electrician in yesterday repairing all the fried wiring and Servpro comes out again tomorrow to begin their 5-day cleanup of the house from top to bottom.

I’ve gotten used to the commute but I do miss going home for lunch with my husband. The days feel a little longer now as a result. I haven’t felt this positive about my job in a while but the hours are wearing on me a bit. Ah, the joys of going from non-exempt hourly to exempt salaried… suddenly I’m here all hours of the day and night because they don’t have to pay me overtime. (I do get limited comp time.)

I’ve had so much going on that I’ve completely forgotten to shout and showcase some things… like my giveaway winners! (This weekend, I PROMISE!) And AFA, RESOLVE, and WEGO Health events here in Boston, an article where I was interviewed for Tablet Magazine last month, and the Night of Hope in less than 2 weeks. And oh yeah, didn’t I start this blog because I wanted a baby and couldn’t have one??

When you start writing checks for thousands of dollars for things UNrelated to artificial babymaking, it’s interesting how your priorities shift. We basically had to make the decision this summer: do we buy a house or a baby right now? We chose to buy a house. Thus, saving up for adoption has been kicked back easily another two or three years. A year ago, I would have freaked out but now I’m in a place where I think I’m ok with this. Well, not that we have much of a choice: there’s no money left to “buy” a baby if we could, adoption or otherwise.

This idea of building a family in general is strange to me: for fertile couples, it just kind of happens naturally, usually within a given time frame. Accidents and suprises happen. But for us, it’s just another item on Life’s To Do List and will fit within a prescribed timeline for us as soon as finances can come together. Our family building is entirely way more planned out than I think we would have ever wanted.

I miss this lack of spontaneity. I wish my life didn’t feel so planned out.

But I don’t miss being independent, a family of two, a homeowner. I haven’t exactly been Miss Baby Fever lately. Don’t get me wrong, I still ooh and ahh over my adorable little neice (um, because she’s ridiculously cute!). I’m still very excited for friends who are building and expanding their own families. But for us? Right now?

Is it wrong that I’m more interested a sofa and chair than a crib and stroller? I’m just not on that whole BABYNOW vibe.

Ironically enough, Larry has expressed on multiple occasions recently he’d totally be happy to be a new dad right now. Awww… just typing that melts my heart. We’ve both apparently done a complete 180 from about 6 months ago. I want to enjoy being a family of two for a little while longer. Just watching my sister with her soon to be 3-month old exhausts me: am I really up for that? I wonder to myself. Sometimes I wonder if I’m up for the challenge entirely.

As I shared with someone last week, sometimes it’s easier to turn down an opportunity entirely than to accept the opportunity and its responsibility because you run a greater risk of failure. It’s a whole lot easier for me to say I don’t want to parent than to parent and fail. I’m totally cognizant of all of this.

But it’s affected the way I’m looking at my advocacy. Yes, lobbying for infertility awareness, research, and legislation is still important. But suddenly it’s not in the spotlight anymore. Maybe it’s just because I’m totally overworked as of late. Maybe it’s because I’m don’t have visions of baby-plum faeries dancing round my head right now. Maybe it’s because secretly, I know it’s easier to walk away before things get big than deal with the burden of responsibility later.

In any event, this blog is supposed to be about our family-building journey and it’s on a bit of a hiatus right now. I’m not saying I’m taking a hiatus from this blog, but I’m wondering now if “infertility blog” is the most accurate descriptor at this point in time. Right now, it’s just “life.”

It’s all just life: moving onward a day at a time, as we’re left to marvel at its passing. Smack in the middle of the Days of Awe and with a rare fiery blessing extended to us, I’m left contemplative of this notion. It’s a reflective melancholy as I take stock of what’s important, so if this post is a bit of a downer, I apologize.

Got a lot of stuff on my mind lately, but oddly enough, that stuff doesn’t include babies right now.