I love things “on a stick.” Chicken, pickles, cheesecake, meat in general: these are usually not disappointments.
Peeing on a stick however, sucks.
/begin TMI: So, I’m not one to get up in the night and pee, which means, by the time I wake up, I have the flowrate of a Triple Crown champion racehorse. When trying to “hold the pregnancy test in the stream for five seconds” I usually end up peeing all over my hand. I know, I’ve read the forums: pee in a cup and dip the stick there. I’ve tried that, and still: pee all over my hand, as I’m usually still half-asleep while trying to hold an old coffee mug under my lady bits while peeing a small waterfall and not dropping the whole thing in the toilet. I have never been a graceful or coordinated woman.
/end TMI.
“Wait, why are you peeing on a stick?” you ask. Well, I got all Bill Nye with my reproductive system and thought I’d try an experiment.
So, you may remember WAY back last year when I was first diagnosed, my doc mentioned that it was possible for some women with POF to get pregnant naturally on their own. This happens in about 5-10% of women with POF, but unfortunately, there’s no set protocol to predict who those 5-10% of women will be. Like regular babymakin’, it’s a crapshoot. So my doctor recommended trying an experiment: stimulating my remaining ovary with hormones to see if we could get it to ovulate on its own. There are two ways to do this: either using expensive recombinant FSH hormone injections (Gonal-F, Follistim, Bravelle and the like) or the much cheaper alternative, regular old’ birth control. With the latter, my doc suggests taking it continuously for 3 to 6 months, stopping suddently, timing intercourse, and playing the 2ww game. Like he said, this works anecdotally, meaning he’s only ever seen it happen 4 or 5 times in his whole career (my doc is no spring chicken).
I started back up on the pill in March for my HRT, and I’ve been pretty good about taking it every day, and having a faux pill-induced period every month. When I ran out, I forgot to get it refilled for a week. I was having some “could I be ovulating?” symptoms for a day or two, so post-haste to the bedroom it was. And I waited. I held out for 9dpo (or, as I now call it, 9dpn – 9 days past nothing) and tested.
One lonely blue line. I didn’t even tell Larry I tested. (I did well after the fact, and he was a bit peeved I hadn’t told him. Rightfully so, in retrospect.)
After a week of no early pg or approaching period symptoms, this past Friday evening I decided to test one more time, or as I like to call it, throw away $9 – because really, what else was I gonna buy with that money? But I needed to test because I had finally gotten my birth control refilled so I wanted to double check before I started a new pack.
Big. Fat. Negative.
This time I actually told Larry and he was waiting with me for those two minutes, and I think that’s what actually added to the momentary sense of disappointment. We hadn’t really held out any hope- we’d joked that yes, a pregnancy would certainly make life interesting in the context of buying a home right now, but that we’d take the miracle and run with it.
I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that I probably won’t get pregnant, but damn if it doesn’t sting when there’s just one single blue line staring back at you, even when you’ve already made peace.
So, there’s my failed experiment. I hadn’t really posted much about it here in the event that it DID work- a surprise pg announcement is always fun- but since it hasn’t and I started popping pink pills again yesterday morning, I thought a little lab study post-mortem was in order.
I wished it had turned out differently, but c’est la vie. Life goes on.
*lingering pause*
Hi, Just found your blog, and I plan to read more, but wanted to comment on this since we have this nasty POF thing in common. I was in complete denial at first and have more or less come to terms. Still sucks when people ask the "hey, could you be pregnant?" and I have to give a big fat, "uh, no!" Anyway, enough rambling…I feel for you.
Feel free to check out my blog too…I talk a bit about infertility and adoption, which is how my son and I came to be a family.
Hugs to you,
Kristin
Negative pregnancy tests suck! I almost always want to take one after my trigger shot because I know it will be positive and I can just SEE a positive one…I always talk myself out of that though =)
After years of peeing on sticks, I can honestly say that the sting of a single blue line never goes away. Even after coming to peace with the idea. The $9 is really not thrown away, it allows for a little bit of hope and that little bit of fantasy, while waiting.
I am sorry it didn't turn out differently.
It's funny how hope sneaks in, isn't it? Despite only having a 1-2% chance of conceiving naturally, and JUST wrapping up my second IVF miscarriage less than three weeks ago, I found myself lying in bed and counting the days when I started having what I *think* were ovulation pains a few days ago.
I'm also a stick-pee-er, though I do prefer a cup. I can usually get by with just a few dribbles on my hand that way.
Sending big hugs to you — a negative pee stick is always a major disappointment, no matter how "prepared" you think you are.
Jo
I used to love POAS… it was a nice way to feel like I could actively do something (besides BDing) tangible when pretty much the whole process is out of my hands. But after a year and a half of BFNs, I'm just tired of the whole process. I wish I could be one of those women who was able to just have sex and then one day realize "Oh, I haven't had a period in a while… shouldn't it have arrived 3 weeks ago?" and take that one test and get a BFP. Sigh.
And for a moment there I thought you were going to give out a great new recipe to put on a stick. I took many a test in my "trying on our own" POF days (don't know as I ever told DH about them) and it stings every time it's one lonesome line. Hoping you beat the odds too. Good luck with all the house stuff coming up as well.
I hate those disappointments. I have to test if my period is longer than 35 days as I have a history of ectopic pregnancy. So my rationale for testing is that its for the good of my other tube.
Still, it sucks when I only see a control line and not another one with it. But I know our chances of conceiving naturally are so low that even the tinist shred of hope gets trampled by the reality that I don't ovulate on my own and when I do its the ovary with no tube.
Sorry the experiment didn't work. ((((HUGS))))
I hate sticks of all kinds now!! I'm sorry honey! It was a great idea though!! Sending you lots of Hugs!!
Ouch, I'm sorry. 🙁 While it may have been a failed experiment, it was an experiment nonetheless, and I applaud you for having the courage to at least try in the spirit of healthy curiosity. Hugs to you and Larry.
wow, it stings a lot doesn't it.
HUGS….
I'm sorry it was a no, because you deserve a yes.
I've peed on myself so much it's ridiculous. I know how you feel.
HUG, HUG, HUG
Oh, it's not fair. I hate that feeling of starting at a negative pregnancy test.
HUGS!
Thanks for sharing. Miracles do happen, and it is still hard not to be let down when one doesn't come thru for you. You are definitely not alone in holding out a little hope that a miracle shows up at your door. until then…
I remember all those times of peeing on a stick (and I was terrible at it too and aiming for a cup – what a joke 😉 and all the negatives. Hope is good but it also can suck. I'm sorry your experiment did not turn out the way you wanted, but try, try, try again. What do you have to lose? If I had my fallopian tubes and was told what you were told I would be trying it every 3 months. Alas, I don't have any tubes so there will never be any surprise pregnancies in this house. That has been the hardest part for me. Getting over the fact that I will never have a surprise! pregnancy. That I will never get pregnant without major medical intervention. Just keep trying. After all it took a million years to discover electricity…
Do the experiment again! lol I've got lots of HPTs and OPKs that were dirt cheap (bought online) that I'm not using. Do you think you actually ovulated? If you did then the experiment was a half success. 🙂
Hope can be a real beeotch. I'm sorry the experiment didn't work.
Oh I hate the game hope plays with us! Even if we know there's a small chance, we definitely have that hope, and oh the mind games it plays. Hugs!
I'm so sorry about the failed experiment, Keiko. Life does go on, but it doesn't mean that it isn't fair. 🙁
While I did not have the same medical history as you, I know what you mean. You let that tiny bit of hope sneak through, because of course, you want to be positive. (and isn't it hard sometimes to be a role model for others when you have to swallow your own disappointment). Unfortunately, if or when the hope is dashed, it can really sting; all the more because you deserve a break for being so brave.
You and Larry sound like such a great couple. You protected him from disappointment the first time around, and he's saying no, I want to be a part of it. You have each other to motivate, inspire, love and comfort; it's great. I am including you both on my nightly "G-d, if you're there, my name is Lisa" list.
I also want to say that your Dr sounds great too; open-minded, never-say-never and supportive. That is the personal approach I wish I could hear more often from IF women. Bravo.
Thinking of you frequently. If anyone can make good things happen, like being one of the 5 – 10% with POF to become pregnant, I hope it's you.
Lisa xxx
P.S. My hand has had it's share of golden showers too. What can you do? the worst bit is at the Drs office, when there is no surface on which to put your handbag and you have to manage to pull up your knickers with the non-existent "free" hand.