A truly restorative weekend.

The RESOLVE of the Bay State Annual Conference on Saturday was just amazing. I’m so glad Larry and I went – we did some seriously deep soul-searching, some crying (well, I did the crying), and engaged in some very cathartic dialogue with people who get it – who really understand what this crazy world of IF is all about. It was so empowering to feel that we weren’t alone, and that in some ways, we were lucky (I never thought I’d use that word in this context) that I was Dx’d so young with POF. Larry and I were easily the youngest couple there; it seemed like the average age was in the mid-30s, but there were a large number of women and couples in their early-40s. There was a pretty large turnout- at least 200 people.

The keynote speaker was Dr. Ali Domar. Her address really resonated with us; she spoke to all of the textbook points about how infertility and stress go hand in hand in a vicious cycle. While I’ve read this myself, there’s something different about a) hearing it from a leading professional in the field and b) seeing nods of validation and experience around the room. It was also reasurring to hear as IF referred to as a crisis, and how for many couples, this is their first major crisis that they’ve ever had to handle together. Dr. Domar supported her statements with a variety of research studies confirming the link b/t IF and stress and how they each impact each other. One particularly striking study revealed that the levels of depression and stress felt by women coping with IF is matched equally with women who are being treated for cancer. I felt like all of the mental time I’ve devoted to our situation is not not entirely for naught, in the sense that it’s completly normal. It feels all-encompassing b/c it is all-encompassing.

For our first session, we headed to Dr. Domar’s more topic focused workshop on the Mind/Body approach to treating IF. Larry and I have both been experiencing increased levels of anxiety and stress recently, and this session really provided some insight on how reigning in the stress could greatly improve our chances later on down the line once we’re pursuing IVF. She presented enough compelling research that I’m seriously considering doing one of her 10-week Mind/Body programs in the near future.

Our second session was a panel discussion on Donor Egg v. Adoption. What an eye-opener! I went in very pro DE and Larry very much for adoption. By the end of it, our horizons had been broadened significantly and we’ve flip-flopped on our stances. For me, adoption is a 100% guarantee of coming home with a child. For Larry, DE is almost half the cost of adoption given the clinical coverage provided by MA insurance companies. It certainly got us talking.

At lunch, we met two other couples, both in their mid-30s. One couple was even from our town, and the wife seemed very on-guard. You could just tell this has been a particularly hard journey; she implied they had already completed several failed procedures. The other couple seemed relatively new to IF as well, and were researching everything about IVF. While it was nice to feel validated, lunch was awkward. In those moments of silence where all of a sudden that pasta I’m eating is just SO interesting, my head was reeling: just what IS the social etiquette of the IF face-to-face community? Is asking about diagnoses rude? Are the number of procedures none of my business? Can I ask how old you are? It was simply fascinating from a sociological/communication standpoint.

After lunch, we skipped out on the next session- we wanted to go to an Adoption Overview: Domestic v. International b/c it was one area I haven’t poured tons of research into, so it would be helpful to get more info. We were just so overloaded with information we kind of needed a break. We were also torn over a silent auction item: a full donor agency package- agency fee, escrow services, legal fees (worth about $7500) for a minimum bid of $1500. All the bidder would have to pay would be the donor fee (~$8000). It would cut a DE cycle practically in half, and we thought, we can swing a bid of up to $2K if we had to. We had this very excited conversation about all of the possibilities of DE, but when we went to leave our bid, they had added that the package must be activated within 6 months. We were crushed – we’re just not in a place to start anything within a year or more, much less 6 months. It spiraled into a huge conversation about Larry’s new business, my present work situation – it got heavy. I felt like the whole day had been ruined.

We were redeemed in our last session, about Dealing with the Outside World. A panel of two support group leaders and a life coach led a guided conversation about coping. One woman spoke about the sense of a loss of control, which I was completely relating to in that moment after the whole silent auction debacle. One panelist recommended about taking a step back, living in the moment and being present, then waiting one month or six months and re-evaluating, but not to let that sense of lost control pull you away from life, from living in the moment.

While I didn’t necessarily get the specific gem of info I was looking for, it was so cathartic to simply speak freely within a group who gets it. I got very emotional at one point while speaking, and I caught myself – it’s social conformity- and the life coach and several other women were like, “Let yourself cry- it’s ok! This is the safe space to do it.” Afterward, such relief. While I do like my therapist, I will be seriously investigating support groups after this. Speaking of my therapist, I ran into her at the Conference at the end of the day, and got to introduce her to Larry. I was amused that she said, “It’s nice to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you!” I’m not sure that’s something anyone wants to hear from their partner’s therapist ^__^

In all, it was a fantastic experience full of valuable information. It’s a lot to digest at once, but I think we’ve come out richer and more knowledgeable on the other side. For the first time in several months, I’ve come out with a genuine sense of hope.